soquiliquay Poetry (105)

Last time I saw your face was like the first time I saw your face.
I was nervous, I wanted to run as far away as I could, so that if you loved me, you'd feel compelled to follow. Like a magnet draws another magnet towards itself.
Every day of our lives together, I still felt the same. I was nervous, as if I knew there were better girls out there who deserved you more than I.
Last time I held your hand, I almost cried, but my silent tears I hid from your perfect-ness. Come to think of it, I hid everything that was me. I knew I wasn't enough. I could feel it and I knew you felt it too, and that's why you left. Or so I thought.

Last time I talked to you, I heard it in your voice. The plastic, I'm sorry. The way you followed me and ran away, like a cat toying a mouse. You made me love you and then hate the very thought of you.

Last time you texted, you laid all the blame on me and then I knew the truth.
Like an overweight woman with low self esteem, who finally bares it all without fear.

The bare naked truth, underneath the lowest layer.

There is a better woman out there.

I am her.

But you're not the better man.

Show me where I asked you to break my heart once, years ago.
Show me where I asked you to mend it only sparingly so you could break it all again.
Give me time to let the scab form.
Let me feel like a total loser because I felt like the end of us meant, the end of me.
Now is that moment when I need to curl up into my chrysalis, to sluff off the dying remnants of the yesterday me.
Become reborn as something better than before, something stronger, something perfectly capable of being loved by someone who knows how.
The time for me.
For new discoveries.
For new hopes, dreams, even fears; because I am human.
Once I can stand tall on my new feet, with acceptance and pride, I know how this will end.
You will see me once more.
Your heart will race, your knees will buckle, gravity will take you to the ground where you deserve to be for a time. You will cry, and that's alright, it frees your pain and you'll have that.
Your head will slowly rise, looking to me again for guidance.
All I have to give to you, is the promise that it gets better with time if you let it.
I must remind you, however, that love doesn't come back. Turn your back on it once, you might have a chance to be let in the door. Turn your back on it twice, and the locks are changed and the old key is melted down as a keepsake.

We live in ruin
We create ruin



She calls her a whore
The whore calls her a slut



He defends the slut
And he defends the whore



Hazel eyes turn black and blue
Lips are split
Bones break
The wrong words are said to the wrong people
at the wrong times.



Doctors fix what would not have needed to be
in the chain reaction that is our ruined world.


Anger can be the ruin of an entire world.


If only we'd be willing to hold our tongues
and tell white lies
We would be in a better place, globally.

Promises were meant to be broken
They sit there on some quiet shelf collecting dust
And then like a whirlwind, they topple to the ground
The dust settles
And eye sight is lost
I am all alone with nothing to lean on
No one to keep me from an abysmal fall
I can't promise anymore, that I'll be able to survive this
It feels as if nothing is left to give or take
Maybe I don't exist anymore,
and that is why you no longer care
You look through the mirror and see nothing
but the original ugly person who met you a while ago
No hopes, no dreams, no anorexic frame
No golden blonde hair or blue eyes
No fear of god
No rapture
Just someone wanting to believe in herself
You refuse to see the perfections amidst the imperfections
Your love was bought somehow
With money I never had
I am in debt as always
I am lonely
I am alone
I am nothing
I am no one
I'm a made up person you can't see anymore
My tears fill canyons
I've lost my will
I shouldn't be in this much pain
Friendship isn't bought
But you still put a price tag on yourself
How do I live with my head held up
when all the people I thought were friends
Expect more from me than just friendship returned?
I lost you
and you
and you
and you
This list keeps growing
I can not keep it short
I've lost the way and can't find myself
When I don't exist anymore
Why am I; to you, not good enough?
Aren't we all hopelessly flawed?

Gaunt sallow faces
Sunken tear stained cheeks
Unseeing eyes
Bleeding lips that ceaselessly speak of goodness, ignoring a plea for life
At a time when all that was given was a sliver of a chance at living within death
Known only by a number
Where good memories haunt them, driving them mad
The bad ones, reaffirming truth.
Life never lasts.
And death, brings peace with it.

Spoke the moon
through the trees
Telling tales of young and old
Listen well, friend
To the fierce call of the wolf
See the judgement in his eyes
Understand what's been spoken
Years of pent up anger and the lies

Spoke the moon
through the trees
Telling tales of truth and glory
Listen well, friend
To the tainted mountain lions' roar
See the disdain dripping from his every poor
Wonder why, why, am I a part of this?

Running to escape it
Tears forming
at the corners of my eyes
No matter where I go
The moon follows
Telling its saddened tales
Leaving me with a remorseful aftertaste
upon saying, I'm sorry

So long departed
When anger played the largest part
I held onto the belief
That in you was someone you were afraid of
Someone good, but vulnerable

Time as it's been said heals all wounds
But time also creates more
In an infinite loop of opened scabs , scarring over
I can see your wounds are stagnant
The one that really matters, may always hurt

I didn't try to find you
I tried to fight your electricity pulling me to you
And I failed and failed and failed again
Like we're side by side on different plains
You are too far away on this one
Yet the thoughts you send to me
Electrify

Together, sitting, hand in hand
Eye to eye
Soul to soul
We became once
And to become again, I know
May change, to fade the scars
We created for each other

In the silence we hold now
We are who we let ourselves be
Together

Let go

Give in

Love

and

Electrify

I let others grieve for me
And then in turn, I blamed myself
I couldn't open up
Nobody would help me, at least, those that should be
I should've been afraid
Rigid in the fear to not be willing to change
Comfortable in the denial

We're all like that
We freeze as if time has stopped around us
But we still feel the unasked for hands
The force we're too afraid to deny
And then we beat ourselves up in various ways
To cope with the weight of it all on our shoulders

The telltale heart beating so loudly,
it drowns out the other sounds we want to forget

Some survive, without moving forward

Others disappear internally,
not to be found again

While I...
I heal, repair the damage, open up, and when I'm ready...

I finally speak it's name.

And am reborn, not as a victim, but as a survivor.

In life, he stood resolute
Trying in vain, or so we thought, but he did not, to outshine the sun
His brightness shocked me each chance I had to look at him
He reached upward, as if to say, I can outgrow, the sun too
But sadly, he was visited by mortality and his colors faded
He started to droop, he lost his tall stance
His petals curled and dried, turning brittle
And when I saw him again, I pitied him and shed a tear.

But in death, he moved me more than he did in life, for he stayed.
We pulled him from the pot, but there he stood upon the stairs
Just begging, throw me away, I am spent

But alas, I did not have the strength to grant that wish
And years later, there he still sat upon those purple stairs
Until the very day we moved away.
He could still be there, sitting, waiting, in his delay

Hoping these photos work
Sunflower in life=

Sunflower in death=

Empty
You told me "I'm going to do this, and that," one year.
I hoped you would. You deserved it.
The following year, you told me yet again, "I'm going to do this and that," and I started to loose my faith in you.
Then you left me altogether, still saying, "I'm going to do this, and I'll do that..."
You can keep saying you'll do these things...but if you don't do them you're cheating yourself.
It's empty promises to you.
Of course, there are no expectations because when you don't do anything, you have nothing to fight fo. Being stuck in the same place, each successive year leaves you less inclined to make plans, and more inclined to except what "will not" happen because of it.
We may not be making plans together anymore, but that doesn't mean you can't make plans with yourself. For yourself.
Stop holding yourself back, and move forward.
Don't let your life end, empty.

The Conversation

"Hello." Said the robin to the rabbit
"Hello." Said the rabbit to the robin

Hopping closer, Mr. Robin cocked his head, and peered at Mr. Rabbit.
"How's the worms this evening?"
Mr. Rabbit twitched his ears in confusion and asked, "How's the clover this evening?"

The meals continued in silence as they sat side by side
Each harboring a silent respect for the other

The conversation didn't end, it just grew quiet

Chained.
Are we there?
White irises
No clues
No upturned lips
Voices silent
We run on greed
Change cometh
Nobody knows
We hold ourselves back
Invisibly
Within change
We refuse
To break
Our own chains
We are
Internally...
Dead upon arrival

Chained.