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The Toad

Amidst the fallen and scattered stones of a ruined castle close to where I live, it is said, dwells an ancient toad. For five hundred years and more has the toad lurked, squatted, crawled and roamed within the castle grounds, confined inside its boundaries forever by force of a medieval spell.

Way back in the sixteenth century, when the toad was just a normal toad, he came upon a beautiful princess, asleep on the grassy bank below the the castle wall. Through some amphibious instinct or mystic influence, he knew not which, he shot out his lightning quick tongue towards her lips, as if to catch a fly. No sooner had the sticky tongue flicked the princess’s lower lip than her eyes opened, but no longer were they the eyes of a princess. To the startled toad’s amazement, there, on the grassy bank before him, lay an ugly old witch who had been turned into a beautiful princess in a previous legend.

Sitting up, the witch stared down at the toad for a moment and then scooped him up off the ground to take a closer look at him. The toad was alarmed to be raised by a toothless, bearded hag in this abrupt way, but it was all right, she set him back down again on a nearby stone, which had rolled part way down the bank.

The witch had mixed feelings about being restored to her original form but was obliged by witch lore to grant a wish to her restorer. The toad quite liked the idea of being a handsome prince, so, with the uttering of a few strange words, the witch caused it to be so; although her dissatisfaction at being old and ugly again found it’s way into the wish. So, while she did grant that the toad become a prince, and should be so for eternity, she rather meanly contrived that he should be a toad prince, which, from the perspective of a
human, is barely any better than just being a toad. She did make him handsome, but only another toad would be able to tell.

All in all, things worked out pretty well for the toad. Being a handsome princely toad, he naturally acquired a harem of pretty girl toads around him at all times.

Through the years there have been many sightings of the ancient toad, and all the documented descriptions of him bear a remarkable similarity; too similar, some say, for mere coincidence. All who have seen him report his appearance as being uncannily similar to that of an ordinary toad, making the claims difficult to dismiss as nonsense. Several of the witnesses have also remarked how quickly he is able to leap into the undergrowth or behind a stone and disappear without trace. This is most probably how the toad came to be known locally as Jumping Natterjack Flash.


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This Weekend

I thought I might do something out of the ordinary again this weekend; I also thought it last weekend. There is very little chance of my doing anything out of the ordinary, but imagining that I could if I wanted to gives me something to look forward to. I don’t quite know how that works, but it does. Even though I know I won’t be doing anything, and even though I don’t know what I would do if I did do something, I can still, somehow, manage to look forward to it. Amazing.
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When I’m 64

I will be 64 next month; it’s time I started thinking about bungalows and beige overcoats. There is planning to be done if my transition into geriatricity is to be smooth and trouble free.

In order to avoid any sudden expense, I need to start accumulating my future wardrobe now. There will be comfy shoes that don’t aggravate my corns to buy, preferably slip-ons so I won’t have to bend to tie the laces. I’ll need baggy trousers that come up to my chest, and woolly jumpers for the summer. It is an annoying fact that the fashion industry is only really interested in the younger generations: If you wanted to buy a brand new pair of jeans that look worn out and are full of holes you would have no problem finding them, but just try looking for shirts that come with gravy stains already down the front and it’s a different matter. I have yet to decide whether I will wear a hat. A flat cap or trilby, perhaps; all I know for sure is that it won’t be a baseball cap.

Certain habits need to be developed; I should be working on them now if they are to become ingrained by the time I need them. That sporadic nibbling motion of the lower jaw doesn’t just develop on its own, it needs to be practised until it becomes second nature if you are to remember to do it even when there is nothing in your mouth to chew. I have always been a curious person, so coming to a sudden halt in the middle of the pavement and staring with mouth agape at anything that catches my interest will probably come quite naturally to me.

We often underestimate the aged. Driving at 30 mph on the motorway takes a lot of self discipline; just try it if you’re in any doubt. Likewise with ignoring no entry signs and doing very slow U turns at busy traffic lights. Then there is the holy grail of the elderly driver: going the wrong way down the motorway, achieved only by the very ambitious. There is so much going on on the roads these days and it’s not easy to remain oblivious to it all; it needs to be worked at, particularly when you are trying to incorporate a significant element of inconsistency into your driving at the same time. Being able to cause an accident without being directly involved in it is a very subtle skill indeed.

I don’t yet know whether I will be the endearing granddad type or the miserable old git; probably the latter, no point in wasting the skills I already have.
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Philosophy

I became interested in philosophy a few years ago and made a casual acquaintance with some of the characters who have played a part in its progression since Socrates wandered about the market places of ancient Greece, annoying the locals. I can’t say I am any wiser because of it. I thought that learning about philosophy might help facilitate my getting to the truth of things. If it has taught me anything at all, it is that there isn’t a truth of things.

Perhaps a better way of putting that would be to say that the word “truth” stands for something different every time we use it, but it always seems to involve distilling or isolating something from something bigger. What we end up with is very often something that has to be separated from any wider context in order to satisfy our desire for a binary* outcome.

Philosophy isn’t really about getting to the truth, it’s more about getting to what isn’t the truth, and for that alone, it’s worth pursuing.



* I would have said “black and white” at one time.
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Picture Cards

When I was at junior school, we used to buy bubble gum that came with picture cards. The ones I remember were a series about World War 2, Mars Attacks and the American Civil War. Some of the pictures were very gory, many of them depicting scenes of extreme violence. Such images would certainly not be sold to children nowadays, although, strange as it might seem, being exposed to them neither caused anyone any trauma nor produced any homicidal maniacs in later life.

The American Civil War series is the one I remember most clearly. In the little pack would be a flat, square piece of pink bubble gum, several picture cards and a pretend US bank note. The subject of the American Civil War certainly captured our schoolboy imaginations for the duration of their being on sale. For the playground bullies, they were like a gift from the gods. They would run up to some defenceless little soul and demand to know if he was “Union or Confederate”. There was no way of knowing where the bully’s allegiance lay, and if yours happened not to coincide with it, there were consequences. I don’t remember exactly what the consequences were, but I’m pretty sure it involved a measure of being roughed up.


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How times change

My daughter called round today for a couple of hours. We spent half of that time discussing cleaning products. If anyone had predicted that scenario five years ago, both of us would have said they were crazy.
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The tip of the iceberg

A recent event got me wondering what must be going on behind the scenes here. I am now imagining a frenzy of private messages hurtling back and forth, discrediting enemies and attempting to form alliances. What actually gets posted is probably but a tiny glimpse of the full picture. Obscure accusations that no one understands, apart from those directly involved, seem to appear on a regular basis. I say obscure, but perhaps it’s just me that finds them so, maybe everyone else knows what they are about.

It might be a good idea to add an extra feature to the site; a separate section, increasing the options for expressing our thoughts. We already have the Forum and Blogs, what we need now is a Washing Dirty Laundry In Public section.
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Sometimes

Sometimes being here is fun, but sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes it's:

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Breaking News

Reports are coming in that archeologists have found the remains of Gandalf the wizard, but, before the story could be verified, men in black suits and dark glasses descended on the scene and removed all traces of the evidence. Now it looks like we will have to turn to Youtube to get to the truth of the matter. Meanwhile, some scholars are scouring the Bible to find something to offend the common sense of the rationally minded with; while others are claiming that the Lord of the Rings was dictated to Tolkien by a hologram left behind by an ancient race of extraterrestrials who once dominated our planet.
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