After The Death Of My Best Friend

How is things with me? Someone asked me yesterday, and I can't answer that questions. Because to tell you the truth I dont even know how I feel. How must I feel? How do I feel? It seems I just shut my self out from everything that's got to do with feelings.
Feelings are too dangerously subject to talk about, let alone to show it openly. It's better to be buried deep and dont look at it anymore, that's what I think nowadays. And I convinced my self that it's nothing wrong to just not feel anything at all.

But at the same time I just want to shout and scream out loud that this pain I hate and I dont want it anymore. Instead I'm focusing on my sons..pay as much attention to them than to my self. I rather talk about them, be with them, than to be alone. Be busy so I dont have to see my deepest sadness, agonizing pain, dreadful loneliness, and self loathsomeness that grows inside me.

Until one of my friends had the audacity to look me in the eyes and ask that question: " Tell me honestly Stevie, how are you and dont tap dance around your answer, tell me truthfully how you feel? "
Suddenly that question turned around and become a mirror and I hate to see my self in there. I dont recognize the person in that mirror. She's someone else, I dont recognize her at all. She's a stranger, I hate her. She so full of self pity, she's so helpless, she can't even help her buddy, and now she just stand there, there is no worth what so ever in her. Too many darkness around her.

Few minutes after that one other friend send me a text message, with the same question. What are my goals in life. I can't answer that question either. I realized, that I stop living after Lya died.
I was just stop. That's last question about what are my goals in life was a trigger that shock me to reach deep down, and all those sadness and agonizing pain suddenly rises and I can't put it back inside me. It stare back in my eyes like this one big black shadow that hold me as hostage for so long. But the thing is, I let all that hold me, I let it all to swallowed me whole and now it comes back again and it's for me to choose what do I do? To let it hold me back again, or to destroy it by let it flow bit by bit and allow my self to feel the feelings. And love my self because all the pain and sadness it's just one color out of life that no one love, but that's it's there, and you can't ignore it.

And for the first time I cry, this time it is a cry that really genuine because now I allow the pain to be there, I allow the sadness to be dancing around my soul. And the music of loosing someone was too hard for me to listen to it, but I let it play. I didn't sleep at all the whole night, instead I was writing down everything what I feel, everything that I hear of the lyrics that's come out of my heart, and I can feel my heart beating. The sadness was too thick but I let it covers me like a blanket, at one time it feels suffocating me.

It was 4.30 AM when I open my door and walk to the balcony at my bedroom, the fresh early morning air, softly breeze that I feel touching my face that it's wet with tears and as I close my eyes, in my head I hear one soft voice that I remember saying: " Always love you and always with you in your heart, be strong. But I will be there at the weakest moment in your life!" Lya said that the day she came to me and told me that she's dying.

Early morning glow of the sun I felt as if someone embrace me, and I cry..I'm awake...I feel again, I feel again. And not hiding behind my sons, but there on my own at the balcony feeling the sun warming my soul, as I open my eyes I see a black bird on the branch of my Silver Birch...I think he was looking at me, and started to sing..