Dating Principles...
I read an article about dating principles to live by that talked about how long is too long for dating before it's time to get married, what type of man a woman shouldn't date, how long is too long a phone conversation when dating, what's an appropriate method of communication, etc.One thing that stood out to me was the type of man a woman shouldn't date. The writer noted that women should not date unavailable men (and I guess vice versa) - "A person who is married, engaged, going through a divorce, or in an exclusive relationship is unavailable." Out of all those listed, I was puzzled by why "going through a divorce" is there.
I think in all cases where a man or woman might be going through a divorce, the circumstances surrounding this divorce should be examined before writing somebody off. For instance, I'd ask the following questions:
* How long has s/he been going through this divorce?
* Was there a period of separation longer than a year before the divorce was filed for?
* What were the grounds under which the separation and divorce happened? Infidelity, irreconcilable differences, domestic abuse? And on whose part?
* How soon will the divorce come through?
I'm sure there are more questions that can be asked, but I'm still waking up. One question that my friend asked me when I was openly wondering about this divorce business was, "Is the guy emotionally available?"
So my other problem is with emotional availability. Why do people seem to think we ever become emotionally available after being in a relationship with somebody we've had feelings for?
My philosophy is this:
Once people have been in relationships with others, their emotional availability is compromised and it's not that they're not available to you, you're an entirely different person (we'd hope) and they need to build a new section in their emotional plaza for you. When you've experienced loss, the feelings of grief never really go away. You just get used to the person not being there. If you truly loved somebody a part of you will always be with him/her etc.
Penny (not really) for your thoughts?
Comments (10)
I agree that you don't write somebody off as undatable just because of this, although a divorce that is not yet final can cause some complication in a new relationship. Certainly if anything else it would be stressfull for the one who has not ended things legally yet.
Emotional availability? Consider that he/she wether that divorce is through or not might still try for a reconcilliation with that person of the past realationship regardless of who they were dating at the time...
Or might simply hold them dear to their heart and love them forever...
Most of us I think, know these risks... but are willing to take them anyway
My ex-husband got involved with a lady and dated her during our seperation.(Just seperated, regardless of what he may have told her, we had no intentions to divorce)
He left her and returned to me after his affair and we attempted to work on our relationship. This is just one example...
But the biggest risk of dating somebody very fresh out of a relationship is that they will go back to their ex...
What choco said.
Doh! look out - I can here Firas's footsteps on the stairs now...
Sorry Sas - great to see you.
I get what you guys are saying. Definitely, if that person is in a relationship, they shouldn't try to have one with somebody else because call it what you like, dating will lead to a relationship unless you stop dating the person.
I don't know if I'm trying to make excuses for myself, but I don't think people can ever be truly emotionally available when they've been with another person they truly loved. Sometimes I think we often convince ourselves that what we feel is love but it really isn't. I think it's a strong like. I think when we find someone who we can love the same way (with the same intensity) that we love our family (if you actually love them), we're truly in a good place emotionally.