Speaking of One's Finer Instincts...

So, as my friends out there know, I've been seein' this man Liam. He's a nice man and, although I feel a sense of connection to him, my finer instincts have from the start said "This is not likely to go anywhere romantically". So I wasn't inclined, having been chaste for 3 years and coming again to prize that chastity, (I know: weird, ANYway...) to get into a s*xual relationship with him. So I say to the Lord, "I'm disinclined to get into a s*xual relationship with him even though he's attractive, but I think we're supposed to be good friends". Now, Liam, as it turns out, has been separated from his wife (eeHEEMMMMmmm...) for 2 years and he says to me (on the first date) that he's given up on the marriage. The Little Voice of finer instinct says "Yeah, right". So, after the 2nd date, we're talking daily and he's dropping in to se me at work and get a hug and I go by and see him at home (just around the corner from my job) after work. He tells me he has the divorce paperwork on his desk inside. Little Voice says, "Warn him about the sh*t storm to come". So I tell him, "As soon as you file, the wife is gonna come up with something to keep you. Trust me. ("I know this room. I've walked this floor, boyo," as the song goes...) She'd have seen you served already with her own papers if she was into the idea of divorce." That was a week ago. Now guess what... He's 48 and she's 41 and she's...(drumroll) pregnant. Yeee-up.

He's not sure it's his. ("Oh," I'm thinkin', "Separated and serious about divorce but still makin' whoopie... Glad I didn't get s*xual with this man...")

NOW, he's decided, he's taken with me and he doesn't want to start raising a child but he doesn't want to desert it either if it's his. <Shrug> I'm laughing. Maybe I shouldn't be but he's trapped again but only if he allows himself to be trapped. I don't do interferance with a marriage so I am backing off to "good friends" and telling him "Liam, you gotta do what allows you to look yourself in the eye in the mirror." He asks me, "Is it wrong of me, does it mean I am in some way 'bad' that I don't want to raise a child at this age and I want, instead, to be with you?"

"I dunno. Let's look at this. Is it wrong of a drowning man to want a breath of air? Does it make you bad to want to do what pleases you? You've been depressed a long time and now you start to feel happy and like you have something to look forward to and this comes up. It's up to you to decide what you stand for. Here you are 48 and this is the finale of your life. When you look back at it, what do you want it to have stood for? ...There is no 'us' except as good friends, and you can have that whether you go back to your wife or not. We are friends."

"I'll be nearly 70, if I live that long, when this kid reaches college. It will be an only child," he sighs. "What will life be like for him or her with parents so old and no siblings after we're gone? ...I just don't think it's fair to bring a child into such a situation when the marriage was pretty much done already."

"Well," says I, "those are valid considerations and you have to decide if you're going to allow other people's sensibilities to direct the course of your life."

Why is this situation amusing to me? (I mean other than the fact that I am not smitten and so it's nox-nix to me.) People are so sad and funny at the same time at this stage of my life. I wish them all well. He's grasping after what doesn't even exist. He's worrying about outcomes and making a "wrong choice".

I feel so blessed that my happiness is independant of situations. Now is all that is. In joy...