The Myth of finding "THE ONE”
Certain women hold on to a romantic notion that “a Knight in Shining armour” or “a Prince” will appear to sweep her off her feet and live in happiness ever after. While this is the stuff that fairytales are made of, being on CS means facing up to harsh reality.Reading the blogs and polls, it is easy to conclude that some on CS think that by providing a photograph and writing a profile will magically lead to finding the proverbial “one.” Some will simply flick through the photographs with the same logic behind the Tinder application – decisions to connect based only on the person's physical appearance. Others will glance over profiles and dismiss it out of hand, even if it does not contain content that would make contact otherwise unacceptable.
Profile screening often leads to a judgmental, “shopping” mentality. This is why some of the loveliest and genuinely sincere people are left on the shelves and gather dust. Certainly profiles are able to screen out obviously inappropriate or incompatible partners, but too often people make a decision based purely on pictures and the limited information provided. Studies have in fact led to the discovery that only once people have met in person, other characteristics become more important. One does not have a clue of how one will interact with another person until you actually meet, because interaction is a very complex process that no profile can reveal.
Perhaps it is time that some women on CS take a step back and re-evaluate their mindset – being so focused on chasing their Disney dream that they turn away so many great opportunities of meeting wonderful men. Chasing away potential partners just because they might not fit 100% into your self-created dream of perfection means that you are missing out on the experience of life.
So if you have reached that age when you are absolutely determined to find “The One,” and made it your life's mission to find “The One,” the reality is that trying to find someone that fits exactly into the jigsaw of your self-inflicted mindset is virtually impossible.
Comments (43)
I am looking for the one.
My soulmate.
And noone else.
Thanx.
Had a bad day at work. Lost my cool and almost bit off 3 heads.
I am not searching but wish all those who are ... That you find someone who will be perfect for you
Through general observation and also knowing that a number of friends and acquaintances go for decades being single because of the myth of finding "The One," because of totally unreasonable expectations.
Go on, tell me you have none
So u have a point there on me alone.
Sometimes I have females interested as well.
I am just wondering if males knowing your list may feel that they may not fit into every criteria. I know from a female I certainly wouldn't fit in.
I think to find that man who will equally find what he wants in you may take some patience.... But I'm sure you will find him
I agree lots of patience.
It was fine until I joined this site.
Then suddenly I could not wait zny longer.
But now I'm back to square one.
Wish me luck.
Snooks maybe you have not fully let go of your ex I have wondered that before when you have said things. Maybe you need to search your heart for where it lies and what it truly is ready for. You once said your heart hadn't been healed... But until it is you will always struggle to find your happiness.
I truly wish you much luck in your search
And some other want a caveman to club them over the head and drag them into a cave.
Most people who are looking will only look at profiles with pics, so they can spot The One at a glance.
That's why I took my pics down again, so as not to waste any searcher's time (or, you know, break his heart)
The reason why engaging in the misguided search of “The One,” is that the criteria attached to finding is often so rigid that it does not allow some flexibility. The extensive checklist is a perfect example of the situation that is being highlighted – should one solitary component of that checklist not be ticked-off then the person is regarded as unsuitable – the person does not fullfill the rigid expectations of “The One.” This situation is totally different to when a general guideline of preferences is kept in mind to determine how much compatibility exists at the start.
It is a pipe dream to think that two people are 100% perfect for each other – no two people want exactly the same things. Some compromise of necessity must occur in any successful relationship for the union to work. People change over time.
Based on the clinical work made by psychologists, too many people continue to mistakingly look for their one and only perfect match.
Of interest is another observation that a number of women over 40 start intensively looking for “The One.” Some men on the other hand are put off entirely by such rigid criteria and therefor prefer dating younger women who have a more flexible outlook.
And I do agree with you on many points.
Online dating is like online shopping in many ways.
You like the look and description of the product, but until you bring it home and try it, you don't know if is really the one for you, or if it even fits!
However, it is not always true.
I met my boyfriend on CS. He had no picture nor profile. I had my blur.
However, we used to chat in the chatroom, and I liked his personality and thoughts.
When we met, still sight-unseen, I still liked him and we are still together.
So it's not all doom and gloom.
Your post is very encouraging as being the exception to the rule by having taken the time and trouble to discover who the person is and what made him “tick” as you were fortunate enough to slowly discover the personality and thoughts of your current partner.
It is the flexibility in attitude that is so different to the romantic notion that a love of one's life (“The One”) is out there somewhere. Not only would it be exceptionally difficult to find such a person by searching, but trying to maintain a relationship on the basis of a checklist will usually lead to disaster. Sooner or later the partner which was thought to be the perfect “The One,” will not be able to maintain the standards (including additions to the original list) which have been set and this will ultimately lead to disappointment. Often it leads to conduct to try to change the other person's behaviour to suit their idea of perfection.
Having preferences within the realm of dating is natural. Preferences are, however, different to setting out on the endless and frustrating search to find the elusive perfect “The One,” which in reality does not exist. There is also a world of difference between trying to find a "number 1" as opposed to the non-existent "The One."
Unfortunately this method has its own difficulties!
To judge other people like this.
Do u have a god complex.
It definitely looks like it.
Or r u
Perfect.
In ur dreams only.
It is people like u that makes us severely dislike some men.
YOU
Remember first impressions always count the most.
Nevermind who tell u what.
If u don't like u will not grow to like.
It would probably have gone down better if the original post targeted men as well as women, for men certainly can be very picky on physical and other traits (they are looking for their queen or princess, I have even read profiles stating this). I have no doubt at all that countless women are shot down in online profile picking just on weight alone. What if she lost a few pounds? Would should be the total package then? She very well might be, if others areas of compatibility are there, but she isn't given the chance, just as men are not for other reasons.
Rven with these drawbacks, there ARE success stories. But the "perfect one for me" myth is shared by both genders in the online dating dynamic.
Nice blog...interesting comments here.
As a wise person once said "When you find the perfect partner ask yourself. Why should he/she chose me?"
Conversely, a truly great person never has a shortage of potential quality partners
I didn't think the OP was trying to attack anyone, he is just trying to make a point. So many women AND MEN are looking for perfection, and they are never going to find it. So many people have too narrow of a range of criteria and that rules out some good people....so what ends up happening is they end up never finding anyone; it is better to be more open-minded. I see alot of men passing me by because they want young things, and I see alot of men passing me by because I'm not slim.....and it is true that women pass up men for superficial reasons, too, like someone who "wears the wrong clothes" or is in "the wrong" career....it goes on and on...
If you have a list of requirements for love it is never going to happen.
You may like the tall dark and handsome, he may meet all your requirements but it may just be that short guy with the nice personality that you actually fall for.
It may be that quiet guy sitting in the corner reading a book but you will not know until you look him in the eyes and feel that much
needed electricity running through your body and making your knees go to water.
The instant attraction called love
“I didn't think the OP was trying to attack anyone, he is just trying to make a point. So many women AND MEN are looking for perfection, and they are never going to find it. So many people have too narrow of a range of criteria and that rules out some good people....so what ends up happening is they end up never finding anyone; it is better to be more open-minded.”