End of today, beginning of tomorrow

25 minutes ... before the clock's hour and minute sticks come together as one to mark a new day. A new day starts in darkness at midnight and gets brighter when our eyes open to the sunlight. That way i hardly notice that a new day doesnt begin with sunshine but grows from dark to light.

So many questions about him when he helped me organize Mom's celebration. "Who is he?; is he your boyfriend?; are you marrying him soon?; why don't you marry him, he is good..." Bla bla yes he is good but he is just my buddy.

And today once again i had to turn down his proposal. It hurts. Not only him but also me. I wish i could love him. I have tried several times for more than 10 years but i can't lie to myself. He is good but my feelings just won't come...

Sometimes life is like a chasing game. People want what they can not get and do not want what they have... but anyway, love can not be forced..i must let go even though i m lost.

What do i want? A nice western gentleman. Why? Why not Asian? I have many decent married western colleagues and friends and i like the ways they treat their women. I have witnessed and had not good experience with Asian men that keeps me stay away from them.

But now, talking with some white guys online really confuses my mind. What perception should i have about western guys? I used to think they are nice, kind, humble and respect people on an equal ground. However, now i really dont know if i should correct my perception.

Many of those white guys i have talked to seem so different from what i thought. Seem they look down on Asian women, poor countries. Seem they just want submissive women. They are even much more arogant than dominant men which i hate the most.

Or is that because of misunderstanding or different ways of thinking that hampered and made the conversations go wrong? But why most of my foreign colleagues and friends love me? Or cos of my shortage of knowledge of culture barriers or cos of my unlucky encounter to people whom i should just think of as a reference for socio-diversity?...

So many questions to be cleared in the way to address the challenges, improve myself to reach a harmonized relation.

I was so irritated today by an Australian guy who immediately said i was a scammer and a b*tch after he saw my skype location in philippine (i registered skype when i was there) and i said he was arrogant as he looked down on poor countries. I was so shocked. Never had i received such dirty words until i opened up myself and joined this online world. People warned me it is a hot pot including much trush that makes it difficult to have trust but it is really not easy when we actually have to encounter it to filter and be clear.

Really tired now. I need more western friends to get to know them to learn more and maybe think less lol. And now what i need the most, a sound sleep! Tomorrow a new clear sky is awaiting to expel part of the ambiguity.