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Mothers apart from their children. ( Archived) (29)

Jul 28, 2009 10:34 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
I am posting this in the lounge as I feel it will receive a wider audience.

I have a woman, that I have known for many years, who in essence lost a residency battle for her children. She has them every other weekend, she is filled with love for her children, they are aged 12 and 10. The reason is that she fell apart after her divorce and her husband applied for residency (custody) of the children.

My own mother was apart from her children, my father was awarded custody of my brother and I when I was ten and he, six. Because he was aware that we were not being taken care of. Yet, in no way do I feel that I have missed out and in no way would I allow any person to sully my mother. A very ill woman.

Bringing me to the point of my thread, why does soceity look down on those mothers who are apart from their children?

I do hope this can be handled with some dignity.
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Jul 28, 2009 10:37 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71: I am posting this in the lounge as I feel it will receive a wider audience.

I have a woman, that I have known for many years, who in essence lost a residency battle for her children. She has them every other weekend, she is filled with love for her children, they are aged 12 and 10. The reason is that she fell apart after her divorce and her husband applied for residency (custody) of the children.

My own mother was apart from her children, my father was awarded custody of my brother and I when I was ten and he, six. Because he was aware that we were not being taken care of. Yet, in no way do I feel that I have missed out and in no way would I allow any person to sully my mother. A very ill woman.

Bringing me to the point of my thread, why does soceity look down on those mothers who are apart from their children?

I do hope this can be handled with some dignity.


This one statement applies to every area of life. My question is, "what makes society right"??confused
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Jul 28, 2009 10:43 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
HJFinAZ: This one statement applies to every area of life. My question is, "what makes society right"??
Pat! Soceity is not right is it?

But it exists and in it's all superiority that we all have to endure.

Society has set the precedence, for macing people such as mothers apart from their children.

When I split from my ex husband, there was no way he was not going to have the children. I would not have used them against him, yet we see so many people that do.

Soceity deems that we have to hang onto our children and fight and sacrifice what we have borne.

Well, we don't. Do we? Our family law systems are set up so that one parent is favoured over another, money is often the caveat attached to when an estranged parent can see their child. What if that estranged parent cannot afford to support the child? Does that make them a lesser parent.

It will be interesting to see where this discussion goes.
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Jul 28, 2009 10:51 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
pubwrite08
pubwrite08pubwrite08Columbus, Georgia USA18 Threads 3,630 Posts
Because some people think if the woman cared she would have held on to them, or fought harder for them. BUT it is never always like that. I work in the daycare feild, and I see all kinds of custody arrangements that work for the whole family. JMHO
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Jul 28, 2009 10:56 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
pubwrite08: Because some people think if the woman cared she would have held on to them, or fought harder for them. BUT it is never always like that. I work in the daycare feild, and I see all kinds of custody arrangements that work for the whole family. JMHO
Exactly Pub.

'Some people'

For some mothers, letting their children go is harder than keeping them.

It takes so much to do that. Yet they are slammed, I know what my friend has been through in the words, eyes of those who condemn her.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:01 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71: Pat! Soceity is not right is it?

But it exists and in it's all superiority that we all have to endure.

Society has set the precedence, for macing people such as mothers apart from their children.

When I split from my ex husband, there was no way he was not going to have the children. I would not have used them against him, yet we see so many people that do.

Soceity deems that we have to hang onto our children and fight and sacrifice what we have borne.

Well, we don't. Do we? Our family law systems are set up so that one parent is favoured over another, money is often the caveat attached to when an estranged parent can see their child. What if that estranged parent cannot afford to support the child? Does that make them a lesser parent.

It will be interesting to see where this discussion goes.


When my daughters mother split from me, I was a total drunk. Needless to say she got custody of my daughter. At 18 my daughter came to live with me, her mother basically disowned her at that time.

To this day, my daughter says she would have been better off being raised by me instead of what she endured growing up. My daughter (and granddaughters) love this "Old Fart", there is no question in my mind.

Her mom is a sick human being, it does not give me the right to disrespect her. "Society" that she grew up with made her the way she is. Rather sad in my book. We all can change for the better.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:02 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
tainogirl
tainogirltainogirlTrincity,West Indies,, Trinidad and Tobago368 Threads 7 Polls 6,888 Posts
Sommerauer71: I am posting this in the lounge as I feel it will receive a wider audience.

I have a woman, that I have known for many years, who in essence lost a residency battle for her children. She has them every other weekend, she is filled with love for her children, they are aged 12 and 10. The reason is that she fell apart after her divorce and her husband applied for residency (custody) of the children.

My own mother was apart from her children, my father was awarded custody of my brother and I when I was ten and he, six. Because he was aware that we were not being taken care of. Yet, in no way do I feel that I have missed out and in no way would I allow any person to sully my mother. A very ill woman.

Bringing me to the point of my thread, why does soceity look down on those mothers who are apart from their children?

I do hope this can be handled with some dignity.


I'm a mother who fought it out in court - twice. In the end I made the compromise that I thought was best for my daughter. Now she has access to both parents even though we are separate, its not the ideal of situations but here we are. Now we are into the holidays and he gets her for the first half - a month. Its been a month since I've seen her and it is hard, this is my baby and my heart, I can only imagaine what a mother goes through who has to not see her child for even longer because it may be what is best for them. Sometimes as mother we have to make sacrifices for the better of our child, I don't think that this makes us any less of a mother. I think it makes us heroes. JMHO.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:04 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
druidess6308
druidess6308druidess6308Aliquippa, Pennsylvania USA99 Threads 20,283 Posts
Sommerauer71: I am posting this in the lounge as I feel it will receive a wider audience.

I have a woman, that I have known for many years, who in essence lost a residency battle for her children. She has them every other weekend, she is filled with love for her children, they are aged 12 and 10. The reason is that she fell apart after her divorce and her husband applied for residency (custody) of the children.

My own mother was apart from her children, my father was awarded custody of my brother and I when I was ten and he, six. Because he was aware that we were not being taken care of. Yet, in no way do I feel that I have missed out and in no way would I allow any person to sully my mother. A very ill woman.

Bringing me to the point of my thread, why does soceity look down on those mothers who are apart from their children?

I do hope this can be handled with some dignity.


I honestly find that they do, Sommer. I have certainly been judged for it, without being asked why I gave their father custody 10 years ago. It wasn't taken from me, I gave it freely, for the benefit of my children. I sacrificed to do what was best for them...I don't remember that being a sin. It was, in fact, the greatest act of love.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:05 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
druidess6308
druidess6308druidess6308Aliquippa, Pennsylvania USA99 Threads 20,283 Posts
tainogirl: I'm a mother who fought it out in court - twice. In the end I made the compromise that I thought was best for my daughter. Now she has access to both parents even though we are separate, its not the ideal of situations but here we are. Now we are into the holidays and he gets her for the first half - a month. Its been a month since I've seen her and it is hard, this is my baby and my heart, I can only imagaine what a mother goes through who has to not see her child for even longer because it may be what is best for them. Sometimes as mother we have to make sacrifices for the better of our child, I don't think that this makes us any less of a mother. I think it makes us heroes. JMHO.
hug hug comfort
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Jul 28, 2009 11:11 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
tainogirl: I'm a mother who fought it out in court - twice. In the end I made the compromise that I thought was best for my daughter. Now she has access to both parents even though we are separate, its not the ideal of situations but here we are. Now we are into the holidays and he gets her for the first half - a month. Its been a month since I've seen her and it is hard, this is my baby and my heart, I can only imagaine what a mother goes through who has to not see her child for even longer because it may be what is best for them. Sometimes as mother we have to make sacrifices for the better of our child, I don't think that this makes us any less of a mother. I think it makes us heroes. JMHO.


A very dear lady that is about 4 years younger than my mother explained to me in terms "I" could understand, "A mother is a mother and she always will be, regardless of circumstances".

I am a man, do I really need to understand a mothers love, or simply accept that it is?
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Jul 28, 2009 11:12 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
HJFinAZ: When my daughters mother split from me, I was a total drunk. Needless to say she got custody of my daughter. At 18 my daughter came to live with me, her mother basically disowned her at that time.


Naturally. This would happen. Her mother disowned her? A life of Dad is a drunk eh? So mum felt abandoned because Dad 'won' the love of his daughter in the end? Without a fight Your daughter came to you because she loved you, her mother disowning her was her own insecurities in that she felt you did not deserve your daughter because of alcohol, how amazing that people feel they need to punish a person with children and losing them when a person is suffering.

In response to:
To this day, my daughter says she would have been better off being raised by me instead of what she endured growing up. My daughter (and granddaughters) love this "Old Fart", there is no question in my mind.



Given what I see of you now, I suspect your daughter is right.

In response to:

Her mom is a sick human being, it does not give me the right to disrespect her. "Society" that she grew up with made her the way she is. Rather sad in my book. We all can change for the better.


She is not well in that she disowned her daughter, soceity did make that of her, and that is when the old agage, 'You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can alter your sails' comes into fruition, eh?

You're a good man Pat, any person not devoid of any intelligence can see that.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:16 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
druidess6308: I honestly find that they do, Sommer. I have certainly been judged for it, without being asked why I gave their father custody 10 years ago. It wasn't taken from me, I gave it freely, for the benefit of my children. I sacrificed to do what was best for them...I don't remember that being a sin. It was, in fact, the greatest act of love.
I believe this too, Hugs is another one whose son lived with his dad and has recently moved back with Mum.

They do Dru and I see what my friend has been subjected to, what I was subjected to, because I felt the benefit of my children living with their father also was better than just living with me.

Tragic really isn't it? How some are treated, maced, maligned by those who are sniffy about giving up everything for their children, when in fact you, Hugs, and many others have done what they could never do and give your children the best, in that they are allowed to love both parents.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:19 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71: Naturally. This would happen. Her mother disowned her? A life of Dad is a drunk eh? So mum felt abandoned because Dad 'won' the love of his daughter in the end? Without a fight Your daughter came to you because she loved you, her mother disowning her was her own insecurities in that she felt you did not deserve your daughter because of alcohol, how amazing that people feel they need to punish a person with children and losing them when a person is suffering.



Given what I see of you now, I suspect your daughter is right.



She is not well in that she disowned her daughter, soceity did make that of her, and that is when the old agage, 'You cannot change the direction of the wind, but you can alter your sails' comes into fruition, eh?

You're a good man Pat, any person not devoid of any intelligence can see that.


Not good, not bad, just am.. I do the best I can do in all situations, and have learned that is good enough for me.

Old saying, "I ain't the man I want to be, but thankfully I ain't the man I used to be"..
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Jul 28, 2009 11:21 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
pubwrite08
pubwrite08pubwrite08Columbus, Georgia USA18 Threads 3,630 Posts
My children have been with me all their lives. There were nights when I cried in the shower after they were asleep because they were such a handful. Especially when sickle-cell-disease reared it's ugly head in the younger one's life. Did they know they were aging me? No, and were they suppose to know? Nope. But would it have been nice if someone had looked at the dark circles under my eyes, a dad... And asked "do you need a hand?" It turned out they were better off with me. I was always the better parent, even though I always wondered.
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Jul 28, 2009 11:29 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
hopefloats
hopefloatshopefloatsSlim's Lady, Tennessee USA55 Threads 8,331 Posts
Sommer your thread made me want to sign in and reply.

I do not think anyone really knows "why" society judges mothers who are apart from their children. But the fact still remains that society does judge us (me being one of them). This is a subject that is sensitive to me, still to this day. Bad character judgments can take a lifetime to out live....that's where I had to accept that as long as "I" know the truth, it doesn't matter what others judge me by. wine
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Jul 28, 2009 11:37 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
druidess6308
druidess6308druidess6308Aliquippa, Pennsylvania USA99 Threads 20,283 Posts
hopefloats: Sommer your thread made me want to sign in and reply.

I do not think anyone really knows "why" society judges mothers who are apart from their children. But the fact still remains that society does judge us (me being one of them). This is a subject that is sensitive to me, still to this day. Bad character judgments can take a lifetime to out live....that's where I had to accept that as long as "I" know the truth, it doesn't matter what others judge me by.


So true, Sis. hug bouquet
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Jul 28, 2009 11:41 AM CST Mothers apart from their children.
rizlaredonline today!
rizlaredonline today!rizlaredTemp accom with my son, Worcestershire, England UK113 Threads 3 Polls 8,804 Posts
hopefloats: Sommer your thread made me want to sign in and reply.

I do not think anyone really knows "why" society judges mothers who are apart from their children. But the fact still remains that society does judge us (me being one of them). This is a subject that is sensitive to me, still to this day. Bad character judgments can take a lifetime to out live....that's where I had to accept that as long as "I" know the truth, it doesn't matter what others judge me by.


The problem as I see it, is that society has much to answer for, the same arrogance is used to ensure that when a family split, the Father is made to feel a criminal, he has to fight for "PERMISSION" to see his own children, I can understand when there is violence or abuse, but, it is only when society recognises that there are TWO parents for each child, then those mothers will also have rights to be or not with their offspring, without being slighted or snubbed.
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Jul 28, 2009 12:04 PM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
hopefloats: Sommer your thread made me want to sign in and reply.

I do not think anyone really knows "why" society judges mothers who are apart from their children. But the fact still remains that society does judge us (me being one of them). This is a subject that is sensitive to me, still to this day. Bad character judgments can take a lifetime to out live....that's where I had to accept that as long as "I" know the truth, it doesn't matter what others judge me by.
And thereby lies what my point is, that any mother who is apart from their children should never, never be made to feel less than they are.

Merky, thank you.
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Jul 28, 2009 12:09 PM CST Mothers apart from their children.
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
rizlared: The problem as I see it, is that society has much to answer for, the same arrogance is used to ensure that when a family split, the Father is made to feel a criminal, he has to fight for "PERMISSION" to see his own children, I can understand when there is violence or abuse, but, it is only when society recognises that there are TWO parents for each child, then those mothers will also have rights to be or not with their offspring, without being slighted or snubbed.
Doesn't it just Bro?

I have fought father's corners in this debate and to align the wheels, I felt there are many mothers who do hide further away because soceity is far harsher on mother's than fathers when it comes to having children. Fathers are seen as heroes if they raise a child alone, mothers are seen as Satan if they do not have their children with them.

I feel for both mothers and fathers who are subjected to any of these traumas, one of the many reasons why I went for a 50/50 split with the children, so that they could have the benefit of both parents and should I become unable to take care of them for whatever reason, then their father would be able to do that full time.
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Jul 28, 2009 12:16 PM CST Mothers apart from their children.
rizlaredonline today!
rizlaredonline today!rizlaredTemp accom with my son, Worcestershire, England UK113 Threads 3 Polls 8,804 Posts
Sommerauer71: Doesn't it just Bro?

I have fought father's corners in this debate and to align the wheels, I felt there are many mothers who do hide further away because soceity is far harsher on mother's than fathers when it comes to having children. Fathers are seen as heroes if they raise a child alone, mothers are seen as Satan if they do not have their children with them.

I feel for both mothers and fathers who are subjected to any of these traumas, one of the many reasons why I went for a 50/50 split with the children, so that they could have the benefit of both parents and should I become unable to take care of them for whatever reason, then their father would be able to do that full time.


No you're right, there is no balance, when society as a whole accepts that children need BOTH parents, then the stigma should hopefully disappear from either of the "Absent" parents.
I would agree that almost all absent mothers are treated appallingly, whereas there are many absent Fathers who are in a position to at least have regular contact and a semblance of a relationship and who do not have a stigma attached to them.
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