A guys opinion on single mothers? (357)
allmcc: Whenever i tell a guy i have children i watch them run.
If they run let them, they aren't worth dating because they aren't real men, certainly not the family man your looking for, if I was 10 years younger I would be the man to date you.------ This thread is Archived ------
mnowsa: well, if i am convinced beyond reasoable doubts that she was forced to be a single mom, and that she didn't become a single mom by choice, i should have no problem whatsoever marrying a single mother.
Why should it matter if she became a single mom by choice or by force?
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I have been a single mom forever!! my son is now 27 years old. I have enjoyed every minute of it. any guy that runs at the mention of kids isn't worth your time anyway. Raise your kids and enjoy them. They grow up way too fast. When the time is right the right guy will come along.
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KarmaInitiative: Some time ago I had a relationship with a single mum. Her time was really divided between working and looking after the two kids. It was pretty hard to find a moment together. Nevertheless, any moment shared with the kids or otherwise was wonderful.
However, my preference now is for someone without kids. I think it is nothing about being mature or immature. It is just about the kind of relationship that you want, the amount of time you have available, the kind of things you want to do with your time. Also, whether or not you want to have more kids in the future.
A lot of single mums don't want to have more kids... and I would like to have kids of my own. So yeah - I think it is about the kind of relationship you want and the things you want out of life.
Not all the guys who run away are doing so because they are shallow and irresponsible. If you like each other, but the things you and the guy want out of life are different, then it is best to avoid a situation that could ultimately hurt you and the kids.
However, my preference now is for someone without kids. I think it is nothing about being mature or immature. It is just about the kind of relationship that you want, the amount of time you have available, the kind of things you want to do with your time. Also, whether or not you want to have more kids in the future.
A lot of single mums don't want to have more kids... and I would like to have kids of my own. So yeah - I think it is about the kind of relationship you want and the things you want out of life.
Not all the guys who run away are doing so because they are shallow and irresponsible. If you like each other, but the things you and the guy want out of life are different, then it is best to avoid a situation that could ultimately hurt you and the kids.
Good for you Allmcc!! I would much prefer that the man I loved ran away from me rather than give up his chance of bearing children of his own one day. It would kill me to know that he gave up this dream for me. Of course, I would prefer he ran away from me before ALL of us got too attached. Best to avoid a relationship that could ultimately generate resentments.
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Oops... meant to say good for you KARMALINITIATIVE.
Jaygo1: Good for you Allmcc!! I would much prefer that the man I loved ran away from me rather than give up his chance of bearing children of his own one day. It would kill me to know that he gave up this dream for me. Of course, I would prefer he ran away from me before ALL of us got too attached. Best to avoid a relationship that could ultimately generate resentments.
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Jaygo1: Oops... meant to say good for you KARMALINITIATIVE.
He's got his priorities straight, that one!!
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allmcc: I would be ok with that because I understand my children come first and other single dads would be the same. Its all about understanding the situation.
Yes but cast your mind back to when you didn't have kids of your own. Would you have been more eager back then to meet a guy with kids or the same guy with no kids?
I have friends who are single fathers. And they have similar experience as you. It is quite unrelated to whether the single parent is male or female.
The simple situation is that people who do not have kids (maybe have chosen not to have kids) might not be eager to have a relationship with kids involved.
It's nothing to do with maturity or all these self-professed real men (laughable!). It is simply lifestyle choice, priorities, do they in fact enjoy spending time with children (?).
I have female friends who are mid-forty who never wanted to have kids, and most probably never will. Nothing to do with maturity. Just personal choice about what you want to spend your life doing.
If they have chosen not to have kids, would you really expect them to welcome a guy with kids?
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Jaygo1: I would much prefer that the man I loved ran away from me rather than give up his chance of bearing children of his own one day. It would kill me to know that he gave up this dream for me. Of course, I would prefer he ran away from me before ALL of us got too attached. Best to avoid a relationship that could ultimately generate resentments.
I totally agree - especially with the before getting attached bit!
The same can be said for other relationships where there is some condition that would eventually cause more resentment than happiness.
If it is just two adults involved then I think you can be a little more reckless. As long as you can both agree that if you love each other enough then letting go eventually is not a bad thing.
Also, relationships that are truly loving are not so binary - they can be just as loving if you remain friends.
However, when children are involved you really have to take into account those extra emotions and connections.
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anonymous1: As a matter of fact, I was commenting on a post that talked about different men, not just one, and I talked about the men at both extremes, the ones who are jealous, and the ones who weren't.If you feel like making the kind of compromises I talked about will give you less than you deserve, that's your problem, and your words; not mine.
One of my best friends is a man who I helped raise, and I feel blessed for the compromises I made, that helped him become the man he is today.
When he shakes my hand, I don't feel like I have less than I deserve.
.
One of my best friends is a man who I helped raise, and I feel blessed for the compromises I made, that helped him become the man he is today.
When he shakes my hand, I don't feel like I have less than I deserve.
.
SAID SO BRILLIANTLY!!! Finally the right word!!! COMPROMISE
And the love you still have for the man you had a large part in raising is humbling. Hat's off to you....
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lookup64: ok. what is this now, the fourth time?
A man dating a woman with children, needs to understand that your children will have needs that cancel plans you make; which could cause a certain amount of resentment on his part, and might seem like jealousy.
The reality is, if you have children, you can never give a man the attention a woman without children can.
If a man is dating a woman with children he needs to understand, he can't always be number one in the mother's life.
That means a man who accepts you with children, needs to really love you, and knowingly accept less than he could get if he wasn't dating a mom.
anybody getting into a meaningful relationship deserves more than that. if they believe they don't there's a problem. he doesn't need first, just even like a family is. the kids' real dad would accept this? what hell is the difference? what he wasn't the donor so he's less than a father? pffft. no thanks.
ok. now let's say i made this statement... Hi, i love the color green. all green all the time. green is the best. now somebody say's. He likes the color of pine tree's. and i come back and say... huh? i never said that. don't make sense does it. why would i deny it? deathly afraid of pine tree's and trying to hide it?
A man dating a woman with children, needs to understand that your children will have needs that cancel plans you make; which could cause a certain amount of resentment on his part, and might seem like jealousy.
The reality is, if you have children, you can never give a man the attention a woman without children can.
If a man is dating a woman with children he needs to understand, he can't always be number one in the mother's life.
That means a man who accepts you with children, needs to really love you, and knowingly accept less than he could get if he wasn't dating a mom.
anybody getting into a meaningful relationship deserves more than that. if they believe they don't there's a problem. he doesn't need first, just even like a family is. the kids' real dad would accept this? what hell is the difference? what he wasn't the donor so he's less than a father? pffft. no thanks.
ok. now let's say i made this statement... Hi, i love the color green. all green all the time. green is the best. now somebody say's. He likes the color of pine tree's. and i come back and say... huh? i never said that. don't make sense does it. why would i deny it? deathly afraid of pine tree's and trying to hide it?
Maybe that's the way you INTERPRETED what he said, but that's not his fault. You were wrong. Drop it.
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lookup64: lol. now i see your issue. your thinking i expect it straght away. well, if you read my posts you will see there's plenty of reference to the opposite. things like... when trust is gained, when you do decide to connect, when you do respect, so on and so forth. i'm saying to continue to settle and not get what anyone would get in a normal healthy relationship is not good for anybody involved. that simple. this whole thing took a dramatic turn somewhere and really i'm just going back to the start with this statement above. peace brother.
Much better. 
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KarmaInitiative: Yes but cast your mind back to when you didn't have kids of your own. Would you have been more eager back then to meet a guy with kids or the same guy with no kids?
I have friends who are single fathers. And they have similar experience as you. It is quite unrelated to whether the single parent is male or female.
The simple situation is that people who do not have kids (maybe have chosen not to have kids) might not be eager to have a relationship with kids involved.
It's nothing to do with maturity or all these self-professed real men (laughable!). It is simply lifestyle choice, priorities, do they in fact enjoy spending time with children (?).
I have female friends who are mid-forty who never wanted to have kids, and most probably never will. Nothing to do with maturity. Just personal choice about what you want to spend your life doing.
If they have chosen not to have kids, would you really expect them to welcome a guy with kids?
I have friends who are single fathers. And they have similar experience as you. It is quite unrelated to whether the single parent is male or female.
The simple situation is that people who do not have kids (maybe have chosen not to have kids) might not be eager to have a relationship with kids involved.
It's nothing to do with maturity or all these self-professed real men (laughable!). It is simply lifestyle choice, priorities, do they in fact enjoy spending time with children (?).
I have female friends who are mid-forty who never wanted to have kids, and most probably never will. Nothing to do with maturity. Just personal choice about what you want to spend your life doing.
If they have chosen not to have kids, would you really expect them to welcome a guy with kids?
My first boyfriend had a child I had no problem with it at all.
I understand that everyone wants different things out of life, some what to travel, some dont like kids or want them of course they arent going to want to have a relationship with someone who has kids.
Just like I dont want to date someone who drinks alot its personal preference, its what kind of life you want to lead.
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Need2clean: Hey get back on track guys the original topic intent was to comment on why the guys ran away once they discovered a lady was a single mother and now we are discussing control issues of the kids in the relationship, why does that reflect on why the men run or not. I believe its wrong to use an excuse that the kids are the issue .........really the issue is the strength of character of the would be suitor ..if your a real man you will take the lady and her family as one regardless of the hurdle.
The world is a diverse place. Having a lifestyle that includes kids is not for everyone. It does not make a man less of a man simply because his pursuit of happiness doesn't include kids. (The exception is if they are HIS biological kids. Then the responsibility of fathering them plays into the mix). The question was "Why do some men run when they find out she has kids", and the answer is that it isn't for everyone. It is the extremely wise man who knows that it wouldn't be for him, and he has every right to not take on a situation he does not feel comfortable with. This prudent decision does not mean that he isn't a "real man". You are mistaken. Also, I see it being problematic that it was stated, "once they discovered she was a single mother". Why should they have to "discover" this? Perhaps it would be far more beneficial if she told him right away. For instance, if he asked her for a date, and it was apparent there was an attraction. "Oh, I'd love to. I'll need to call my sitter, though. I have two little ones". Then there's no mystery, no "discovering" no painful emotional parting.------ This thread is Archived ------
anonymous1: My major point was... the mother thinks the guy seems more interested in her children than her, and the guy who is jealous of the children, should both be happy for the attention the children get.
.
.
I think you read a little too much into what I said, I was actually just giving examples of situations I've been in. I'm talking about the guy who seems to want an instant family and wants jump right into that instead of really getting to know me first.
Any guy I deem good enough to be part of my kids lives and wants to spend time thats all good with me.
The point is, it's all about balance
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rohaan: The world is a diverse place. Having a lifestyle that includes kids is not for everyone. It does not make a man less of a man simply because his pursuit of happiness doesn't include kids. (The exception is if they are HIS biological kids. Then the responsibility of fathering them plays into the mix). The question was "Why do some men run when they find out she has kids", and the answer is that it isn't for everyone. It is the extremely wise man who knows that it wouldn't be for him, and he has every right to not take on a situation he does not feel comfortable with. This prudent decision does not mean that he isn't a "real man". You are mistaken. Also, I see it being problematic that it was stated, "once they discovered she was a single mother". Why should they have to "discover" this? Perhaps it would be far more beneficial if she told him right away. For instance, if he asked her for a date, and it was apparent there was an attraction. "Oh, I'd love to. I'll need to call my sitter, though. I have two little ones". Then there's no mystery, no "discovering" no painful emotional parting.
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Understanding the situation is key but I have found that most will not stick around long enough to see what the situation is let alone understand it. Most ladies with no children are are a little uneasy getting involved with someone who has their children as much as I do and see it as a competitive relationship. Most women with children have been burned one too many times and question how sincere men really are.
Its like someone else has already said,"children are NOT an obligation they are a responsibility"