how to handle this one. ( Archived) (31)

My younger daughter's father is for lack of a better word..uninvolved.

To make her feel less ostracized because he's all about playing Daddy to his gf's kids and his other two, I just keep her involved in lots of activities, we do fun things together and I put my focus entirely on her and her needs when she's with me.

Yes, she has questions, but, like you although I have my thoughts, it's not about what I think or feel, it's about being honest w/ her in a way that a 7 y/o child can understand. I never speak down about her father to her, I tell her the positive things (though not many) about her Dad and try to build him up in her eyes...and when she's old enough to fully understand how he is, she'll draw her own conclusions with no help from my input.

The new gf being pregnant has got to be emotionally hurtful and confusing to her, especially if she is feeling her father is in a sense replacing her with this other "new" baby. To which my advice to you is to tell her she will always be first with you, try to look for the positives in the situation and play on those aspects.

Remember to never put your feelings/anger/frustrations first in any situation involving an ex, it only winds up hurting the child/children of the situation.

We know how we feel, we know it's justified and we even know deep down it's not right what they may do to the children in the situation, but keep a civil tongue, bite it for the sake of your kids.

Do your best to make sure she feels secure and loved from you, reinforce her good qualities, shower her with praise and attention and love...and she should come through it just find, children have amazing stores of resiliency and it's been proven to me time and again when I see my little girl and how she has come through this situation.

You can't fix stupid when it comes to your daughters father, but you can do your best to minimize how that stupidity is going to affect her..I wish you great strength, love and understanding, because it's never easy!

I dont have any kids, but I remember my own parents told me at a young age (before puberty)'that I was adopted. They were honest with me in a way that only made me feel more secure because I knew I was where I was wanted. I never went through any identity crisis or need to find my biological parents either, probably due to accepting it as just how things were so early on.


Don't lie to her to build up who your ex is in her eyes only to have her illusions shattered when she gets older and finally sees the truth. Try to find a way to tell her the truth in a way that will be least damaging to her.

Look Za...she is already such a lucky baby. She has you for her mom. You have to feel/talk it out as you go. Just answer honestly when she asks you questions. Let her know she is the most important person in your life. and she will be alright.

I never said a bad word about my ex to my kids growing up no matter what was going on. At the same time, I made no excuses for him. often I would say I dont know, you will have to ask your father. That would make him responsible for answering for his actions and the girls didnt expect me to have the answers for him which took the stress off me for it.

Keep the lines of communication open and love her madly, thats what they need the most. Your going to know how to handle things when they arise because you are a good mom. Theres a quote by Maya Anjelou that saved my life when I was a single parent. Shes talking about being a single parent herself. "I did the best I knew how, and as I learned better, I did better"

to the man that posted the blog,your daughter is bound to feel a little left out at moment but she has you and in time she will have her life and boyfriends,children know how to play us,and im sure when all the hype dies down with new baby an all she will proudly be the big sis,i told my two that their dads love and mine for them is the most important thing in the world and even though mammy and daddy stopped lovin each other we want each other to be happy,and now after 8 years ana goin through divorce my son has his life and confident that he went to Austraila 3 years ago,yes things will improve for you,ur daughter,she is growin up one day at atime.best luck.love conquers all.

as long as your baby remains in a loving nurturing environment with minimal drama she should be just fine. but its best to tell her the truth if she asks and explain it to her as she was an adult and not sugar coat it so she will comprehend and except it. it should bring her closer to you and not create inferiority from the absence of the father...she will take it with a grain of salt and love you more because of it

Like Boban, I gave up on having a life of my own. The trouble with this is that having spent so much time single, I think I'm stuck with it. I'm not sure it was the best option in the long run.

I had a couple of brief encounters that made me realise that I was potentially messing with my daughter's head, in as much as I felt that there was no room for mistakes where relationships were concerned.

She recently told me she was a little bit jealous when I was briefly dating, but wasn't overly concerned, nor traumatised by it as her father claimed, (hmmm, I wonder why he said that...)

If you have some kind of support system, family, or babysitters, I'd suggest that you keep any dates, or relationships seperate from your daughter until you a pretty damned certain you have a keeper and then introduce him gradually.

As for talking to her about the situation with her father, I always went by the policy that if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to know. It doesn't always matter if they understand, you've opened the door for more questions.

I was very honest with my daughter, but in retrospect the situation was so stressful with his substance misuse and court hearings, I didn't spend enough time explaining how he came to be such a damaged person himself and that his behaviour wasn't her fault. Maybe I did explain it, but she didn't understand until later, I can't remember. Retrospect is a wonderful thing and we can only do our best (and hold our hands up when we mess up. )

As for the new baby, could you explain that as her mummy she is the most important to you and as the mummy of the new baby, her daddy's girlfriend will feel the same about her baby, but both her and the new baby will be equally important to her daddy? It's realistic and reassuring at the same time, maybe.

Cara dear,the things will sort out themselves..
i dont doubt you will find the right way to go through this..
meanwhile,you are blessed to have your little princess as shes blessed to have you,enjoy it...

My first husband got remarried and had 3 boys..He did the same thing to my son after his first son was born..I had words with him and decided after that to not have my son visit him anymore because I couldnt stand seeing my son feeing rejected..I now kind of regret making that choice and feel if I was older and more mature when this happened I could have chosen my words a little more wisely..lol
If I were you, I would think carefully before talking to the ex about how your daughter is feeling about this?
Also have a talk with her and explain in any family when a new baby is born, the new baby does seem to get a little bit of attention..Tell her she is loved and try to do things to make her feel loved..It is difficult working and trying to raise a child..I know but things will work out..

My son was about 5 years old when he ask why don't I have a daddy. I sat him down told him the truth of the way it was. I took the blame for the whole thing. After our talk he looked me in the eye and said can I have some ice cream.

We both laughed, went and got ice cream. Never underestimate a child's ability to understand.

We have always had a great relationship because he knows his mom has never lied to him even when it would be in my best interest to lie.

You are the mom you know what needs to be done and how to do it. Follow those instincts and all will be well.