Friday Funnies (145)
pedalguy59: A Pirate walks into a Pub, the Barkeep says, "Do you know you have
a Steering Wheel sticking out of your Trousers? The Pirate replies:
"Aaar I know, It's driving me nut's"
a Steering Wheel sticking out of your Trousers? The Pirate replies:
"Aaar I know, It's driving me nut's"
A Ghost Dog walks into a Pub looking for his Tail.
Barkeep says: "Sorry we don't retail Spirits"
Barkeep says: "Sorry we don't retail Spirits"
pedalguy59: A Ghost Dog walks into a Pub looking for his Tail.
Barkeep says: "Sorry we don't retail Spirits"
Barkeep says: "Sorry we don't retail Spirits"
A Drunk goes in the Loo to relieve himself, looking down he notices
that he has two Knobs. So he puts one away, and pisses himself.
that he has two Knobs. So he puts one away, and pisses himself.
A blind man walks into a bar.....
i just made that up 
i just made that up A Copper knocks on a Blokes door. "Is this a Picture of your Wife Sir?,
it looks like she has been in a Car Accident." Bloke says" I know, but
she has a pleasant personality."
it looks like she has been in a Car Accident." Bloke says" I know, but
she has a pleasant personality."
A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."
3 Dogs are in the waiting room, a Collie,Rottweiler, and a German Shepard.
Rottweiler says to the Shepard, "What are in for?". Shepard says, " I
bit the Postie, and am getting the Needle, and you?"
Rottweiler says, "I bit the Mother inlaw, and am getting the needle."
The Shepard asks the Collie, "What are you in for?"
Collie replies: "While the Masters Wife was under the sink, I pounced
on her from behind and gave her what for."
"Oh they will put you down for that." the G. Shepard says.
The Collie replies, "No, I'm just getting my Nails clipped."
Rottweiler says to the Shepard, "What are in for?". Shepard says, " I
bit the Postie, and am getting the Needle, and you?"
Rottweiler says, "I bit the Mother inlaw, and am getting the needle."
The Shepard asks the Collie, "What are you in for?"
Collie replies: "While the Masters Wife was under the sink, I pounced
on her from behind and gave her what for."
"Oh they will put you down for that." the G. Shepard says.
The Collie replies, "No, I'm just getting my Nails clipped."
pedalguy59: 3 Dogs are in the waiting room, a Collie,Rottweiler, and a German Shepard.
Rottweiler says to the Shepard, "What are in for?". Shepard says, " I
bit the Postie, and am getting the Needle, and you?"
Rottweiler says, "I bit the Mother inlaw, and am getting the needle."
The Shepard asks the Collie, "What are you in for?"
Collie replies: "While the Masters Wife was under the sink, I pounced
on her from behind and gave her what for."
"Oh they will put you down for that." the G. Shepard says.
The Collie replies, "No, I'm just getting my Nails clipped."
Rottweiler says to the Shepard, "What are in for?". Shepard says, " I
bit the Postie, and am getting the Needle, and you?"
Rottweiler says, "I bit the Mother inlaw, and am getting the needle."
The Shepard asks the Collie, "What are you in for?"
Collie replies: "While the Masters Wife was under the sink, I pounced
on her from behind and gave her what for."
"Oh they will put you down for that." the G. Shepard says.
The Collie replies, "No, I'm just getting my Nails clipped."
This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club 
Lookin4missright: This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club
Ooh,
pedalguy59: Ooh,
Sorry
It was on page where i'm looking at jokes
You can call me a fat kangaroo if ya want to
A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time...."
Lookin4missright: Sorry
It was on page where i'm looking at jokes You can call me a fat kangaroo if ya want to
It was on page where i'm looking at jokes You can call me a fat kangaroo if ya want to
No worries, I don't take too much seriously.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
KNenagh: A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me..'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me..'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Twodawgz: Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me..'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage..
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me..'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
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a Steering Wheel sticking out of your Trousers? The Pirate replies:
"Aaar I know, It's driving me nut's"