Friday Funnies (145)
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Two drovers standing in a bar. One asked, "What are you up to?"
"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
"Ahh. I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah . . and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
ffs diggy
...... i was hopeing to fix my fence on my days off 
Gonna take me a few to read all them jokes
diggadavo: Been goin hard Lookin
not since your dad story.......
but have pills for that.......
======Dps, that was 4 not 5
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman,
who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Everyone started screaming and running for the exit, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman,
who sat calmly in his seat without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid
of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."
Hey Diggy
Molly just rang me and in conversation
she said that she likes blokes not far from the murray river, that can't tell too many jokes 
love you
ps, i was
telling furfy's 
Molly just rang me and in conversation
she said that she likes blokes not far from the murray river, that can't tell too many jokes love you ps, i was
telling furfy's 
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
diggadavo: A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
I loved this one Mr. L
diggadavo: I loved this one Mr. L
I was reading a book not so long ago when that eternal question came up............"Who came first, the chicken or the egg?"
Considering the number of well-educated people (as well as every second person) who have sat around debate, theorise or outshout someone over this question, I did have to sit and ponder the answer for a number of minutes.
It was so obvious.
Why had noone ever said that before?
It seems so logical.
Anyone with half a brain would see that.
Anyone with a chicken's brain would see that
it
was
the
Rooster
wash2u: I was reading a book not so long ago when that eternal question came up............"Who came first, the chicken or the egg?"
Considering the number of well-educated people (as well as every second person) who have sat around debate, theorise or outshout someone over this question, I did have to sit and ponder the answer for a number of minutes.
It was so obvious.
Why had noone ever said that before?
It seems so logical.Anyone with half a brain would see that.
Anyone with a chicken's brain would see that
it
was the Rooster
Considering the number of well-educated people (as well as every second person) who have sat around debate, theorise or outshout someone over this question, I did have to sit and ponder the answer for a number of minutes.
It was so obvious.
Why had noone ever said that before?
It seems so logical.Anyone with half a brain would see that.
Anyone with a chicken's brain would see that
it
was the Rooster
Of course it was wash 
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from???
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu**in' cat!!!
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from???
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu**in' cat!!!
diggadavo: Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from???
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu**in' cat!!!
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from???
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a fu**in' cat!!!
I wondered where that was going Why do newly married woman need to experience thrush
because they need to learn to live with an irritating c^^t
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asks,
"Just hold its nose." He replies,
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asks,
"Just hold its nose." He replies,
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
diggadavo: A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asks,
"Just hold its nose." He replies,
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?" She asks,
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" She asks,
"Just hold its nose." He replies,
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Don't shoot the messenger ladies
Who says men don't remember anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do! " she replies.
The husband paused.
#The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes I do! " she replies.
The husband paused.
#The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when
your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued......."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have gotten out today."
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Little Johnny and Susie Smith are only 10 years old, but they just know
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married.
So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far."
that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married.
So Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, Me and Susie are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?" So without even taking a moment
to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Susie." So again Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month. That should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith
says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out.
I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you
should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"Well, I have to admit, we've been lucky so far."
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That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."