Friday Funnies (145)
Lookin4missrightmelbourne, Victoria Australia400 Threads 24,032 Postsdiggadavo: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Freakin funny as, Dig ... i'll need to read bit by bit or me eyes will pop out 
... i'll need to read bit by bit or me eyes will pop out Lookin4missright: Freakin funny as, Dig ... i'll need to read bit by bit or me eyes will pop out
HAPPY NEW YEAR Mr.L It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for john and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right Up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.
Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for john and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said:
"Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish.
She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.
I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway.
The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right Up the middle......."
The old woman fainted.
A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by
throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the
edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe
in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in
Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a
routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away "she explained
"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said, "this is the Manly Ferry."
throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge. She went down to the bridge and was about
to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the
edge of the bridge, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe
in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care
of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in
Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on,
every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made
passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a
routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the
captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away "she explained
"I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said, "this is the Manly Ferry."
I was explaining to my wife one night that when you die you get
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said
I would like to come back as a Cow. I said "You are obviously not
listening."
At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point. The question was: "Where do Women mostly have
curly Hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker. Well she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
The wife has been missing a week now. The Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I went back to the charity shop to get her
clothes back.
reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said
I would like to come back as a Cow. I said "You are obviously not
listening."
At the Senior Citizens Centre they had a contest the other day.
I lost by one point. The question was: "Where do Women mostly have
curly Hair?" Apparently the correct answer was Africa.
My girlfriend thinks I am a stalker. Well she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
The wife has been missing a week now. The Police said to prepare
for the worst. So I went back to the charity shop to get her
clothes back.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my exercise gear on, the class was over.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my exercise gear on, the class was over.
Why I Like Retirement
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Crazy!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you skip classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: Crazy!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending coffee break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you skip classes, no one calls your parents.
QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Thanks for the laughs all... Digga you sure have some beauties..
Merriweather: Thanks for the laughs all... Digga you sure have some beauties..
diggadavo: Three Mr. L... Are you Tasmanian
Sorry bro
I was trying to eat my chops b4 they got cold
You def are a 5/5 with the jokes
and now with my smokers cough, i fart at your jokes at the same time 
( i have to watch what i read lol and what i have eaten b4 hand)...Where do you get them from
Lookin4missright: Sorry bro
I was trying to eat my chops b4 they got cold
You def are a 5/5 with the jokes and now with my smokers cough, i fart at your jokes at the same time ( i have to watch what i read lol and what i have eaten b4 hand)...
Where do you get them from
I was trying to eat my chops b4 they got cold
You def are a 5/5 with the jokes and now with my smokers cough, i fart at your jokes at the same time ( i have to watch what i read lol and what i have eaten b4 hand)...
Where do you get them from
Not really trying to have a go at Digga (I have laughed a lot at his posts).......I have seen a lot of these over the many years I have been around in 1 variation or 4...... and still get a laugh from them.
My son-in-law has been clearing out his 87 yo grandmothers stuff (recently departed) and it seems that I have less waste to get rid of so my waste bins are more available .... yeah, OK, I don't waste much ...... still trying to work out how to get that office chair with 1 demolished wheel into the rubbish bin.
Oops, side-tracked as usual. Came across the only "rudie" that my father ever told to us around 1970 once. Heard a simialr one abour 20 years later. Okay, mega-bag I am expected to get into my waste bin. Until I read 1 today while disposing of my son-in-law's Nan's stuff.
Sim-me-lar-eye-dear (sorry, trying for the accent affect/effect there).
diggadavo: To be able to put a smile on a face is all a man could ask for
Thanks Merri
Thanks Merri
Gloria walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Astonished, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Astonished, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.............your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
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