You must be joking!... (47)
BnaughtyMálaga, Andalusia Spain43 Threads 2 Polls 4,685 PostsWhat are the first 3 words in a Chinese cookbook? Here kitty kitty
A Paddy walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Paddy shouts “Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo”
The man shouts back “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you”.
The Paddy shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
The Paddy shouts “Na ol an t-uisce, ta sé lan de chac bo”
The man shouts back “I’m English, speak English, I don’t understand you”.
The Paddy shouts back “Use both hands, you’ll get more in.”
The Indian Chief Weather Forcast
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting fire wood
like crazy."
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold
or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern
society, he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather
was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to
be cold and that the members of the village should collect
firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold
indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service
responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told
them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied,
"it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The
Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to
collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service
again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going
to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of
the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting fire wood
like crazy."
Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?
My name is Paul?
My name is Paul?
MysteriousGirl80: Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?
My name is Paul?
True this..... My name is Paul?
At school we had two brothers in the same year and class...
Paul Nurse and Andrew Nurse...
At regester, P Nurse and A Nurse....
What were their parents thinking....
And that's absolutely true....
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long
funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.
You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Arthur_Sixpence: True this.....
At school we had two brothers in the same year and class...
Paul Nurse and Andrew Nurse...
At regester, P Nurse and A Nurse....
What were their parents thinking....
And that's absolutely true....
Haha, poor guys.At school we had two brothers in the same year and class...
Paul Nurse and Andrew Nurse...
At regester, P Nurse and A Nurse....
What were their parents thinking....
And that's absolutely true....
"have you been hit in the head with a rhythm stick?.....you may be entitled to an Ian Dury claim....
Contact Gadstone Bricks solicitors...
fifitrixibelle: Love it !
I was in bits reading that... 
jimgi: Yeah,I got a laugh out of the Irn-Bru bit as well.
Never realised it had that much history.
Alas it didn't Jim, it was first produced in 1901....but by God, it serves the narrative...Never realised it had that much history.
"have you been sold faulty double glazing?....you may be entitled to a condensation claim"....
Contact Gadstone Bricks solicitors....
Contact Gadstone Bricks solicitors....
Anyone for a long tall cup of steaming brex-IT?...
Ahhhhh, now isn't that better...
Ahhhhh, now isn't that better...
Q: who would I like to see with James Corden in carpool karaoke?....
A: the grim reaper....
A: the grim reaper....
Arthur_Sixpence: You know the drill by now..... >>>>>
Albert Einstien's brother was a bit of a monster wasn't he....
Frank Einstein....
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?...
An irreliphant...
What do you call cheese that's not yours?...
Natcho cheese...
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?....
He let out a little wine....
5/4 of all people admit that they are bad with fractions...
Fractions aren't my thing.Albert Einstien's brother was a bit of a monster wasn't he....
Frank Einstein....
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?...
An irreliphant...
What do you call cheese that's not yours?...
Natcho cheese...
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?....
He let out a little wine....
5/4 of all people admit that they are bad with fractions...
However...trigonmetry...that's a different story.....
Enjoy your threads...only sorry Im not here more often to participate
Here's one off FB.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!
jimgi: Here's one off FB.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"
Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?
General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!
Spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Largs , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in Scotland ".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in Scotland selling pints for £1" ..
After arriving in a hotel in Largs , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in Scotland ".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in Scotland selling pints for £1" ..
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down...
He gets towed to a garage in the nearest town. When he gets there, the mechanic says it will take a while to check it out, so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream parlor. He goes in and orders a large vanilla cone, then sits on the patio and eats it.
Just as he's finishing, he sees the mechanic gesture to him. He jumps up and runs across the street to get the verdict.
"Well" said the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no" replied the penguin. "That's just ice cream. What about my car?"
He gets towed to a garage in the nearest town. When he gets there, the mechanic says it will take a while to check it out, so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream parlor. He goes in and orders a large vanilla cone, then sits on the patio and eats it.
Just as he's finishing, he sees the mechanic gesture to him. He jumps up and runs across the street to get the verdict.
"Well" said the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no" replied the penguin. "That's just ice cream. What about my car?"
jimgi: A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down...
He gets towed to a garage in the nearest town. When he gets there, the mechanic says it will take a while to check it out, so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream parlor. He goes in and orders a large vanilla cone, then sits on the patio and eats it.
Just as he's finishing, he sees the mechanic gesture to him. He jumps up and runs across the street to get the verdict.
"Well" said the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no" replied the penguin. "That's just ice cream. What about my car?"
He gets towed to a garage in the nearest town. When he gets there, the mechanic says it will take a while to check it out, so the penguin goes across the street to an ice cream parlor. He goes in and orders a large vanilla cone, then sits on the patio and eats it.
Just as he's finishing, he sees the mechanic gesture to him. He jumps up and runs across the street to get the verdict.
"Well" said the mechanic. "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no" replied the penguin. "That's just ice cream. What about my car?"
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