Would you date a local man who e-mails but never calls? (70)
you have answered your own question.. you already have difficulty trusting him.. there are red flags you are seeing these,,, you already know the answer....
montecito: Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
You were out of line telling him what you expect before the relationship even got off the ground.
He's hiding something and going by what you say about him he most likely has a complicated life. Bringing you into his life with the demands you would put on him right from the start probably made him think twice that he doesn't need more complications.
You say the one date you had went well but you don't know if he thinks the same thing. If he was excited about you and couldn't wait to see you again he would have made the attempt.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but my guess is he had a vision of what you would be like judging from all the email you guys shared. When he met you, you probably weren't what he expected so I think he is trying to say .... it's not gonna work by avoiding you. Don't feel bad about that, it happens all the time. Let it be a learning experience that no phone call after you meet is sending a message.
You were out of line telling him what you expect before the relationship even got off the ground.
He's hiding something and going by what you say about him he most likely has a complicated life. Bringing you into his life with the demands you would put on him right from the start probably made him think twice that he doesn't need more complications.
You say the one date you had went well but you don't know if he thinks the same thing. If he was excited about you and couldn't wait to see you again he would have made the attempt.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but my guess is he had a vision of what you would be like judging from all the email you guys shared. When he met you, you probably weren't what he expected so I think he is trying to say .... it's not gonna work by avoiding you. Don't feel bad about that, it happens all the time. Let it be a learning experience that no phone call after you meet is sending a message.
He didn't avoid me. he bought the wine for the second date, the day we agreed upon it. he was willing to commute two hours to come and see me, crossing by sea. He kept the e-mails constant and was planning ahead for the two of us. He obviously wasn't keen enough to call or was hiding something and I don't need any complications in my life so I made my demands clear and when he showed he would not meet them, cancelled the second date. Better to cut off contact in the beginning than to let things progress and accept being with someone who can't be bothered to call. I have my expectations, if a man doesn't mean them, doesn't mean I have to lower my standards, it means I dump the man. I have no problem being single. To be with someone things have to be right. Probably some people manage to be in a relationship because they accept poor treatment from their partner. I'd rather be alone than unhappy in a relationship. Demands have to be made clear at the outset. I'm not a teenager and I'm not wasting my time. Neither was he a teenager. If he wanted something casual or a woman to be his door mat, he got the wrong number.
missingLondon: He didn't avoid me. he bought the wine for the second date, the day we agreed upon it. he was willing to commute two hours to come and see me, crossing by sea. He kept the e-mails constant and was planning ahead for the two of us. He obviously wasn't keen enough to call or was hiding something and I don't need any complications in my life so I made my demands clear and when he showed he would not meet them, cancelled the second date. Better to cut off contact in the beginning than to let things progress and accept being with someone who can't be bothered to call. I have my expectations, if a man doesn't mean them, doesn't mean I have to lower my standards, it means I dump the man. I have no problem being single. To be with someone things have to be right. Probably some people manage to be in a relationship because they accept poor treatment from their partner. I'd rather be alone than unhappy in a relationship. Demands have to be made clear at the outset. I'm not a teenager and I'm not wasting my time. Neither was he a teenager. If he wanted something casual or a woman to be his door mat, he got the wrong number.
There's a difference between expectations and standards..
missingLondon: I exchanged e-mails with a man I met online for three weeks. We had one date that went well. However, when I called him and asked if it was a good time to talk, he first said yes then cut me short and said we speak on Saturday. He only called twice in 3 weeks, once to reassure me that he was not married. When I made it clear, as he was planning ahead for us to be in a relationship, that I expected at least a call a day from someone I get into a relationship with, he answered by e-mail that he had to think about my message and get back to me the next day. I told him not to bother and cancelled the second date.
Putting aside any red flags you might have already picked up by then, he obviously had indicated in some way, of his desire to develop a relationship with you. So I am baffled as to why you set about being prescriptive such as about frequency of 'phone calls you would expect. That might worry any man. Not so much about the daily demand for 'phone calls, but it could make him conjure up 100 other demands you might make. Hence he would genuinely want to think about the implications of that.
I would personally allow the relationship to progress. Then if he had not called you over the coming days/weeks, you would have had clear evidence rather than mere projections. You both cut it short before it got off the ground. Perhaps you were each a bit hesitant and concerned, so the slightest reason to halt proceedings, you both grabbed it. As I aside, this is aside from any other possible red flags...JMO.
venere08: Putting aside any red flags you might have already picked up by then, he obviously had indicated in some way, of his desire to develop a relationship with you. So I am baffled as to why you set about being prescriptive such as about frequency of 'phone calls you would expect. That might worry any man. Not so much about the daily demand for 'phone calls, but it could make him conjure up 100 other demands you might make. Hence he would genuinely want to think about the implications of that.
I would personally allow the relationship to progress. Then if he had not called you over the coming days/weeks, you would have had clear evidence rather than mere projections. You both cut it short before it got off the ground. Perhaps you were each a bit hesitant and concerned, so the slightest reason to halt proceedings, you both grabbed it. As I aside, this is aside from any other possible red flags...JMO.
I would personally allow the relationship to progress. Then if he had not called you over the coming days/weeks, you would have had clear evidence rather than mere projections. You both cut it short before it got off the ground. Perhaps you were each a bit hesitant and concerned, so the slightest reason to halt proceedings, you both grabbed it. As I aside, this is aside from any other possible red flags...JMO.
I agree we both cut things off before they progressed. Personally it's because I know what I'm after and I want a man who's keen on me. This man obviously wasn't, so no big loss, he was not right for me.
Maybe he has lots of women ,and exspecting him to fone them all at once would be a bit silly .
missingLondon: He didn't avoid me. he bought the wine for the second date, the day we agreed upon it. he was willing to commute two hours to come and see me, crossing by sea. He kept the e-mails constant and was planning ahead for the two of us.
That shows effort though, surely?...He may have wanted to take things slowly at first, quite understandable, don't you think?
Anyhoo...I had better go.. should have gone to bed a half hour ago
p.s. you said he was local, but had to cross the sea...was that from another nearby island? I don't know my geography of Malta, sorry,lol
I'm afraid a lot of us are in the same call-free boat, Jeepers.
missingLondon: I agree we both cut things off before they progressed. Personally it's because I know what I'm after and I want a man who's keen on me. This man obviously wasn't, so no big loss, he was not right for me.
then why are we having this conversation??????????missingLondon: I agree we both cut things off before they progressed. Personally it's because I know what I'm after and I want a man who's keen on me. This man obviously wasn't, so no big loss, he was not right for me.
I do know what you mean. Really I do.
My last ex said, "Off with his head. Off with his head. It's the only way." Wonder what she meant by that.
HuggerMan4U: My last ex said, "Off with his head. Off with his head. It's the only way." Wonder what she meant by that.
Is that why you wear a helmet these days??
venere08: That shows effort though, surely?...He may have wanted to take things slowly at first, quite understandable, don't you think?
Anyhoo...I had better go.. should have gone to bed a half hour ago
p.s. you said he was local, but had to cross the sea...was that from another nearby island? I don't know my geography of Malta, sorry,lol
Anyhoo...I had better go.. should have gone to bed a half hour ago
p.s. you said he was local, but had to cross the sea...was that from another nearby island? I don't know my geography of Malta, sorry,lol
He is from Malta's sister island. It's a twenty minute crossing. He did say he wanted to eventually get intimate with me but wouldn't rush things. Yes the wine shows effort but I wasn't comfortable with him not phoning.
he has already deceived you with his age... and yet you believe him when he says he bought the wine and was ready to make the trip.? whos to say he wasn't lying then... I just wouldn't have trust him to begin with.. hes hiding something or just didn't think you were the person he thought you were and broke it off.. but like you said its his loss and its no big deal... time to let it go.. find a better man to deal with your expectations and standards..
missingLondon: He is from Malta's sister island. It's a twenty minute crossing. He did say he wanted to eventually get intimate with me but wouldn't rush things. Yes the wine shows effort but I wasn't comfortable with him not phoning.
Well, I can tell you that the opposite is no fun either...
I once started seeing a man who within the week had told me he loved me, sent non-stop text messages, numerous 'phone calls daily, to the point I felt almost suffocated. I had given him the benefit of the doubt with g/f's telling me how great it was that he was so keen...But I decided pretty quickly that he was a nutter and within 10 days, I chose never to see him or speak to him again despite his sending further text messages that finally died out. He truly was a basket case in the things he did and said.... I think I would have rather had him call only once in three weeks, ta muchly!!
So you see, never use frequency of 'phone call as the key litmus test!
Am i out of line by saying some people take these dating sites to seriously .
country_lady67: he has already deceived you with his age... and yet you believe him when he says he bought the wine and was ready to make the trip.? whos to say he wasn't lying then... I just wouldn't have trust him to begin with.. hes hiding something or just didn't think you were the person he thought you were and broke it off.. but like you said its his loss and its no big deal... time to let it go.. find a better man to deal with your expectations and standards..
In answer to your question London...No I wouldnt it smells married to me 
HuggerMan4U: My last ex said, "Off with his head. Off with his head. It's the only way." Wonder what she meant by that.
She didn't liked,your lower head,how you used it anymore,and know what!!!If they don't like the lower,they get rid of the upper as well.-
missingLondon: If a man penny pinches on phoning a lady he's not worth bothering with. Relationships require time and effort.
And money.country_lady67: then why are we having this conversation??????????
Because all of us are experts.- venere08: Well, I can tell you that the opposite is no fun either...
I once started seeing a man who within the week had told me he loved me, sent non-stop text messages, numerous 'phone calls daily, to the point I felt almost suffocated. I had given him the benefit of the doubt with g/f's telling me how great it was that he was so keen...But I decided pretty quickly that he was a nutter and within 10 days, I chose never to see him or speak to him again despite his sending further text messages that finally died out. He truly was a basket case in the things he did and said.... I think I would have rather had him call only once in three weeks, ta muchly!!
So you see, never use frequency of 'phone call as the key litmus test!
I once started seeing a man who within the week had told me he loved me, sent non-stop text messages, numerous 'phone calls daily, to the point I felt almost suffocated. I had given him the benefit of the doubt with g/f's telling me how great it was that he was so keen...But I decided pretty quickly that he was a nutter and within 10 days, I chose never to see him or speak to him again despite his sending further text messages that finally died out. He truly was a basket case in the things he did and said.... I think I would have rather had him call only once in three weeks, ta muchly!!
So you see, never use frequency of 'phone call as the key litmus test!
a belated p.s. to above post...
It was a while ago and the fellow concerned was not from CS (not sure if your guy is)... Maybe CS men tend to behave differently.
No recipe though, other than to be patient and tolerant. I tend to think it's the varied personality traits that we need to adapt to, rather than have a prescriptive way of dealing with everyone.
Then we either choose to work at developing a relationship together or run for the hills
I agree - there is also the question of honesty here. If a man wants my attention he has to SHOW it. I don't mind if the communication is only emails at first as long as they are regular and frequent. If I catch him in a lie - that is an immediate deal breaker.
venusenvy: In answer to your question London...No I wouldnt it smells married to me
Married has a smell?
Is it anything like a rotting corpse stuffed away in a warm closet?
i would count your losses and move on.. it sounds like his hinding something or maybe he don't find you attractive? so then it's his loss not yours.
or maybe it's just to much to soon for him? who knows but really your worth more then just e-mailing.
or maybe it's just to much to soon for him? who knows but really your worth more then just e-mailing.
daisy333: It's amazing isn't it - these guys usually start out guns blazing but then the reality of how much time and effort they are really prepared to give you becomes clear. I'm sure that you really started to have hopes about this guy and I'm sorry to hear that he's disappointed you.
If they are keen, you never have to worry about I absolutely agree - if they are keen you'll hear from them daily.when they'll contact you because they always do. Wiht kindness, I'd say he's married and perhaps, wondering whether or not he should tell you. The inability to talk on the phone at certain times is the give-away for me.
The no-landline thing is something that used to make me nervous but it's increasingly common nowadays for people not to have a landline. This makes it even more likely that they have a good cost effective mobile deal because it's all they use. So his excuses about the cost of mobile contact is pretty lame and I suspect the real reason he's saying this is that he is married and knows he cannot talk on the phone freely a lot of the time.
You are absolutely in your rights to expect better than this. This guy is not treating you like you are special - he is treating you like an afterthought. Life is too short for that.
If they are keen, you never have to worry about I absolutely agree - if they are keen you'll hear from them daily.when they'll contact you because they always do. Wiht kindness, I'd say he's married and perhaps, wondering whether or not he should tell you. The inability to talk on the phone at certain times is the give-away for me.
The no-landline thing is something that used to make me nervous but it's increasingly common nowadays for people not to have a landline. This makes it even more likely that they have a good cost effective mobile deal because it's all they use. So his excuses about the cost of mobile contact is pretty lame and I suspect the real reason he's saying this is that he is married and knows he cannot talk on the phone freely a lot of the time.
You are absolutely in your rights to expect better than this. This guy is not treating you like you are special - he is treating you like an afterthought. Life is too short for that.
There is nothing like a woman's intuition. Good girl for getting out early, before you got hurt. Sometimes we give them too much *benefit of the doubt*: ACTIONS always speak louder than words, no matter the *talk*. A man, or woman, can verbally promise the earth: but they can be fickle and do a 180 degree turn anytime. Sometimes the clues of what's to come are small...sometimes pretty obvious.
Don't give up gal...don't waste your heart on someone who doesn't care about yours.
missingLondon: I exchanged e-mails with a man I met online for three weeks. We had one date that went well. However, when I called him and asked if it was a good time to talk, he first said yes then cut me short and said we speak on Saturday. He only called twice in 3 weeks, once to reassure me that he was not married. When I made it clear, as he was planning ahead for us to be in a relationship, that I expected at least a call a day from someone I get into a relationship with, he answered by e-mail that he had to think about my message and get back to me the next day. I told him not to bother and cancelled the second date. He's local but claims not to have a landline, drives a very expensive car, yet says calls on a mobile are too expensive. I felt this man could not give me the attention I needed and as he lied about his age when we first sent e-mails, felt I could not trust whether he was telling the truth about being divorced. What kind of attention do you expect from someone you're in a relationship with or are considering a relationship with?
I agree..If a man doesnt call me and only sends a text message or emails, it tells me either he is in a relationship, or is dating several women or he isnt very interested in me.
I also dont trust what any man online says to me, its his "actions" that speak more and if his actions are consistant over time, then I might start taking him more seriously..Dont second guess yourself London..Usually our instincts about a man are always right.
missingLondon: I exchanged e-mails with a man I met online for three weeks. We had one date that went well. However, when I called him and asked if it was a good time to talk, he first said yes then cut me short and said we speak on Saturday. He only called twice in 3 weeks, once to reassure me that he was not married. When I made it clear, as he was planning ahead for us to be in a relationship, that I expected at least a call a day from someone I get into a relationship with, he answered by e-mail that he had to think about my message and get back to me the next day. I told him not to bother and cancelled the second date. He's local but claims not to have a landline, drives a very expensive car, yet says calls on a mobile are too expensive. I felt this man could not give me the attention I needed and as he lied about his age when we first sent e-mails, felt I could not trust whether he was telling the truth about being divorced. What kind of attention do you expect from someone you're in a relationship with or are considering a relationship with?
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Expect nothing and you won't be disappointed.
You were out of line telling him what you expect before the relationship even got off the ground.
He's hiding something and going by what you say about him he most likely has a complicated life. Bringing you into his life with the demands you would put on him right from the start probably made him think twice that he doesn't need more complications.
You say the one date you had went well but you don't know if he thinks the same thing. If he was excited about you and couldn't wait to see you again he would have made the attempt.
I don't want to hurt your feelings but my guess is he had a vision of what you would be like judging from all the email you guys shared. When he met you, you probably weren't what he expected so I think he is trying to say .... it's not gonna work by avoiding you. Don't feel bad about that, it happens all the time. Let it be a learning experience that no phone call after you meet is sending a message.