Long distance. He hesitates. Should I give him deadline? (187)
by deadline i mean we either have a plan by January or separate if nothing changed by that time
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plsbereal: Hello CS folks!
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
It seems your communication is out here, you should discuss with him what the problems are. If he can't give you any reasons it sounds like he's getting cold feet. You must push him for explanations and just tell him you want to discuss things. It's no good him coming to you if he's not sure. Hope it works out.
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please! i need a piece of advice!
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plsbereal: by deadline i mean we either have a plan by January or separate if nothing changed by that time
give him the deadline, no need to be dating forever, you both know what you want, no? in the meantime, see other potentials, don't put all your eggs in one basket
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hello plsbereal,
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
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equiya: give him the deadline, no need to be dating forever, you both know what you want, no? in the meantime, see other potentials, don't put all your eggs in one basket
Are you advocating her looking around for other possible partners at the moment Equiya??
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i think it is common sense.
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
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no deadlines. I mean no need to give him a deadline. But you can give yourself a deadline, to decide whether you want to continue waiting. Take other things into consideration and build a life without him in it. A contingency plan of sorts. Whether he makes it to you or not, you have a life to keep you grounded.
Should you decide to give him an ultimatum, be ready for the worst. Lots of people don't work well under pressure. But i do hope you achieve your goals.
Should you decide to give him an ultimatum, be ready for the worst. Lots of people don't work well under pressure. But i do hope you achieve your goals.
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lucynad: hello plsbereal,
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
i agree. but i will do what i will have to do. just he is the problem. he slow at making decisions, he is not ready he is everything . it feels like i cant do anything if he is procrastinating with making decisions.
i tried and gave him several options. he took as me pushing on him
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plsbereal: i think it is common sense.
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
have you tried suggesting avenues and walk him step by step on the process? Although it is a bit of a hassle. I dunno, but i think his lack of initiative should give you a clue about his decision and character. Best to talk to him about it really. this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
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plainlyjune: have you tried suggesting avenues and walk him step by step on the process? Although it is a bit of a hassle. I dunno, but i think his lack of initiative should give you a clue about his decision and character. Best to talk to him about it really.
thank you plainlyjune
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plsbereal: i agree. but i will do what i will have to do. just he is the problem. he slow at making decisions, he is not ready he is everything . it feels like i cant do anything if he is procrastinating with making decisions.
i tried and gave him several options. he took as me pushing on him
i tried and gave him several options. he took as me pushing on him
Well I crossed oceans and continents to be with a woman, If he really wants you, believe me he will move heaven and earth to get you. This sort of indecision makes me think he is not raedy to move.
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plainlyjune: no deadlines. I mean no need to give him a deadline. But you can give yourself a deadline, to decide whether you want to continue waiting. Take other things into consideration and build a life without him in it. A contingency plan of sorts. Whether he makes it to you or not, you have a life to keep you grounded.
Should you decide to give him an ultimatum, be ready for the worst. Lots of people don't work well under pressure. But i do hope you achieve your goals.
Should you decide to give him an ultimatum, be ready for the worst. Lots of people don't work well under pressure. But i do hope you achieve your goals.
I voted yes, but after reading this...I have to agree w/ June.
My position was going to be that you need to take an aggressive stand on it, but in all honesty...June said it perfectly.
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plsbereal: by deadline i mean we either have a plan by January or separate if nothing changed by that time
take your time and be happy with, that he might be just reasonable
there is more behind than just moving over to the next town
you could get very lost over there in the US, if it's not working out after you relocated
you wont be allowed to work, you wont have any rights over there at all for quite a while
no health insurance, just nothing!!!
you would be totally depending on him
do you have that money for to take that risk?
that you could go back to your country, for to build up everything again you left?
or for to survive over in the US until you might will be allowed to work over there for to build up an own life, in case it's not working out?
I can understand, that this time of being apart from each other hurts
but take and give him time
when nothing is going on at all, you will know and still can leave him
but you will still be save in your own environment
JMO
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tomcatwarne: Are you advocating her looking around for other possible partners at the moment Equiya??
not necessarily, she should be open. she is not married to the guy and what if he is not ready for a comittment but she is? now that they are so far apart. and then she starts all over again if he is not ready for a comittment and she is? no. I made that mistake once when I was younger, won't do it again, waiting for someone forever when you know what you want. we don't know what he is doing in the US in secret. is he having cold feet now? if yes, why?
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tomcatwarne: Well I crossed oceans and continents to be with a woman, If he really wants you, believe me he will move heaven and earth to get you. This sort of indecision makes me think he is not raedy to move.
tom i thought so too. i also think that if there is love, all the obstacle will feel like couple stones to pick up and throw away from the way.
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ?
but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
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tomcatwarne: Well I crossed oceans and continents to be with a woman, If he really wants you, believe me he will move heaven and earth to get you. This sort of indecision makes me think he is not raedy to move.
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Here my question to you is your boyfriend able to afford the immigration cost for you to come to the U.S. The immigration cost to the U.S. if you are planning to get married at minimum it will cost him $40,000.00 in legal fees and other immigration fees. This cost can be higher depending on the lawyer, I have heard people get stiffed with a price tagged of $80,000.00. Others that decide to go the cheap way what happens is that it takes 2 to 4 years to be re-united. There are other ways around it will require to marry you overseas and stay for a period of 2 years in country before he can bring you to the U.S.
That's something think about and you should talk about this with your boyfriend.
So, if your boyfriend is hesitating that might be the cause.
That's something think about and you should talk about this with your boyfriend.
So, if your boyfriend is hesitating that might be the cause.
plsbereal: Hello CS folks!
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
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JSuburbia: I voted yes, but after reading this...I have to agree w/ June.
My position was going to be that you need to take an aggressive stand on it, but in all honesty...June is perfect.
My position was going to be that you need to take an aggressive stand on it, but in all honesty...June is perfect.
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plsbereal: tom i thought so too. i also think that if there is love, all the obstacle will feel like couple stones to pick up and throw away from the way.
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
In my opinion you should be open and tell him about any deadline, but I think this would be counter productive. On the other hand, at least you would know one way or the other, if he loves you he won't let you go so easily, and as you said, if it looks as if he won't make a decision it may be better to start planning for a life without him. I really hope he comes to his senses abd makes a decision, it is unfair keeping you hanging like this.
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plsbereal: tom i thought so too. i also think that if there is love, all the obstacle will feel like couple stones to pick up and throw away from the way.
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
if you can't give that time to both of you, just leave it
it doesn't make any sense
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Deadline is the wrong word. I think you should discuss together all different options, including who/how to relocate, find a new job, move dependents (if any) etc. If you conclude that it ain't possible to move closer together and long distance doesn't work, then you can part as friends. 
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plsbereal: tom i thought so too. i also think that if there is love, all the obstacle will feel like couple stones to pick up and throw away from the way.
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
should i not tell him anything and just give deadline to myself like plainlyjune said ? but how ? what can i do to make him start doing something ?
i just dont want to wait and finaly realize i was waiting for nothing
i do love him and miss him though but to me its better to cut it for good than be in stress and pain
Hi Plsbereal
sounds like you are stressed enough..
You perhaps need to ask yourself what are you comfortable with..and mostly, look to your gut instinct... there will be your true answer just waiting for you to acknowledge it.
No other person in the world will make you happy, content and peaceful... that is something you need to do for yourself.
Another person can share your happiness but cannot create it...
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plsbereal: i think it is common sense.
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
I re located to a different country, and in hindsight wish I had thought it thro more. The language barrier was huge ( altho my partner spoke English very well)I still felt very isolated and trying to get a job was impossible, on top of that the cultural differences were enormous and there was pressure from his family and friends.this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
I can understand him being wary, and although I know many will disagree with me, love is not always enough.
Maybe you should think about which one of you could adapt more easily, taking into account the practicalities of the situation.
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plainlyjune:
thankyou for correting my post June...That was a very serious typo on my part 
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lucynad: hello plsbereal,
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
i, personally, find it hard to give advices...
i think your desires are understandable...
what i don't understand is why it is only him that is supposed to work on it...
aren't you (you and him) supposed to work on it together?
and i also think that you (always you and him) need more than one plan...more like plan A, B and possibly even C...
------ This poll is Archived ------
plsbereal: i think it is common sense.
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
Dear, sorry, to say it, but you had your answer now.
Go ahead and don`t waste your time waiting for him...
He`s not going to meeting you, take care !
Have loads of men here, try to find another, your real partner !
Good luck !
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JSuburbia: thankyou for correting my post June...That was a very serious typo on my part
what, no objections? killjoy...
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morgan5: I re located to a different country, and in hindsight wish I had thought it thro more. The language barrier was huge ( altho my partner spoke English very well)I still felt very isolated and trying to get a job was impossible, on top of that the cultural differences were enormous and there was pressure from his family and friends.
I can understand him being wary, and although I know many will disagree with me, love is not always enough.
Maybe you should think about which one of you could adapt more easily, taking into account the practicalities of the situation.
I can understand him being wary, and although I know many will disagree with me, love is not always enough.
Maybe you should think about which one of you could adapt more easily, taking into account the practicalities of the situation.
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96 Votes
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Created: Dec 2010
Last Viewed: Apr 20
Last Commented: Dec 2010
Last Voted: Jul 2017
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Long distance. He hesitates. Should I give him deadline?(Vote Below)
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost