Long distance. He hesitates. Should I give him deadline? (187)
morgan5: I re located to a different country, and in hindsight wish I had thought it thro more. The language barrier was huge ( altho my partner spoke English very well)I still felt very isolated and trying to get a job was impossible, on top of that the cultural differences were enormous and there was pressure from his family and friends.
I can understand him being wary, and although I know many will disagree with me, love is not always enough.
Maybe you should think about which one of you could adapt more easily, taking into account the practicalities of the situation.
I can understand him being wary, and although I know many will disagree with me, love is not always enough.
Maybe you should think about which one of you could adapt more easily, taking into account the practicalities of the situation.
Amen, thank you.
I agree with you 100%.
The guy I was involved with in the US in the late 80s and early 90s loved me too and me him but there were other issues.
morgan5: I really don't think its as cut and dried as that that, but jmo
Yes, is very dried, but I had many experiences...
And loads of promisses..
Love is not enough really ! You need a plan, if he don`t have one, forget him and live your life !
serrambi: Yes, is very dried, but I had many experiences...
And loads of promisses..
Love is not enough really ! You need a plan, if he don`t have one, forget him and live your life !
And loads of promisses..
Love is not enough really ! You need a plan, if he don`t have one, forget him and live your life !
Me too, I have had some experiences and promises and I have learnt my lesson big time.
Depends on how long you wanna wait around, without being able to discuss issues that are important to you & feeling lost.
Life is short...
Best wishes.
Life is short...
Best wishes.
thank you so much for your help
you are right. i understand that love is important but is not enough. maybe yes, maybe the lawyer told him about all the expenses and he is thinking.
but i sent him an email now. i didnt tell about deadline, no. but i asked him straight if he is aware of all the expenses and if he is ready for them
you are right. i understand that love is important but is not enough. maybe yes, maybe the lawyer told him about all the expenses and he is thinking.
but i sent him an email now. i didnt tell about deadline, no. but i asked him straight if he is aware of all the expenses and if he is ready for them
serrambi: Yes, is very dried, but I had many experiences...
And loads of promisses..
Love is not enough really ! You need a plan, if he don`t have one, forget him and live your life !
Me too I just think maybe they need to discuss all possibilties maybe the practicalities of the Op moving there.And loads of promisses..
Love is not enough really ! You need a plan, if he don`t have one, forget him and live your life !
But sounds to me as though some open and honest communication is needed.
plsbereal: i think it is common sense.
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
this morning he was sleepy (time difference) as usually and as usually he was not inclined to have a serious conversation which Ihave been trying to have with him for couple weeks now.
i pushed him to talk. he said he is not ready to come to my counntry yet but he loves me and dont want to give up because i mean a lot to him. he said he spoke to a lawyer and said its not gonna be easy for us to get back together. but he has no plan and no clue what to do
this all sounds to me like, he really doesnt want to go that extra step, but wants to keep you hanging on....I would just cut bait and run....if he can't make up his mind...there are plenty of others who will and they will be worth your effort.
morgan5: some open and honest communication is needed.
absolutely
morgan5: Me too I just think maybe they need to discuss all possibilties maybe the practicalities of the Op moving there.
But sounds to me as though some open and honest communication is needed.
But sounds to me as though some open and honest communication is needed.
plsbereal: absolutely
you know this guy we don't. As I said I relocated without thinking it thro properly, talk to him about you moving there if thats possible, and see his reaction. Go with your gut feeling only you can really know.GOOD LUCK
well, as for the language and culture barrier which has been mentioned above by some of the commentors, i think it shouldnt be an issue. when iand him speak we understand each other very well,he always tells me that i dont sound like i am new to america. I stayed in US for more than a year and i think i adapted myself to the american culture . the only problem is he is slow at making a decision. but one commentor mentioned the expenses,,,, honestly i didnt think it could an obstacle
plsbereal: Hello CS folks!
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
I am in a weird situation. Well, at least to me it is weird and I have no clue what to do.
I met this guy in the US. We dated since June and in October I had to leave to my home country. Love was (is) strong and we didnt want to lose each other and decided to get back together.
He told me to wait till we figure out what to do.
Time is going and still nothing. I ask him if he has any idea of what we are going to do, he says "i am working on it" or "we will talk about it later". It does hurt me. He doesnt look like he is fooling. Probably he is an indecisive type and it takes hi long time to become ready for something. But what about me? I am tired of this distance and I am tired of him having no idea what we gonna do.
I just thought i am going to give him a deadline (yes , kinda weird choice of the word, but still) early January. Early January I want him to tell me he is coming to meet my family, early january is the deadline for him to elaborate a plan and everything.
my question is should I give him such deadline or should i leave it as is ?
i am feelling lost
Just the fact that he is not telling you the reason for the delay is your answer. This guy is playing games with you and is probably in a relationship or, worse, a marriage. You are filling in for something that is lacking in his life. It sounds harsh, but he is using you. You need to lose him and move on. Feeling lost is NOT a good thing! Good luck, you have my sympathy.
Hi Plsbereal,
I see a character issues, here, that hasn't been discussed enough, in my opinion. If you two do resolve the current problem and marry, are you ready to spend the rest of your life with a man who 1) seems to be unable to make a decision or does so only when pushed and 2)is unwilling and/or uaable to communicate with you. It seems to me that this situation has revealed a couple of serious character flaws that you should think about.
On amother note, my late wife was from another country and we had very few problems with the cultural and language issues because we decided very early in our dating relationship that we wouldn't take these differences serious;y and would treat them with a good humor. At least for us, that seemed to work very well.
Whatever you decise to do, I am certain that it will be the right decision and I wish you the very best of luck whatever you finally decide.
Just my $0.02 worth.
I see a character issues, here, that hasn't been discussed enough, in my opinion. If you two do resolve the current problem and marry, are you ready to spend the rest of your life with a man who 1) seems to be unable to make a decision or does so only when pushed and 2)is unwilling and/or uaable to communicate with you. It seems to me that this situation has revealed a couple of serious character flaws that you should think about.
On amother note, my late wife was from another country and we had very few problems with the cultural and language issues because we decided very early in our dating relationship that we wouldn't take these differences serious;y and would treat them with a good humor. At least for us, that seemed to work very well.
Whatever you decise to do, I am certain that it will be the right decision and I wish you the very best of luck whatever you finally decide.
Just my $0.02 worth.
MarineVet52: Hi Plsbereal,
I see a character issues, here, that hasn't been discussed enough, in my opinion. If you two do resolve the current problem and marry, are you ready to spend the rest of your life with a man who 1) seems to be unable to make a decision or does so only when pushed and 2)is unwilling and/or uaable to communicate with you. It seems to me that this situation has revealed a couple of serious character flaws that you should think about.
On amother note, my late wife was from another country and we had very few problems with the cultural and language issues because we decided very early in our dating relationship that we wouldn't take these differences serious;y and would treat them with a good humor. At least for us, that seemed to work very well.
Whatever you decise to do, I am certain that it will be the right decision and I wish you the very best of luck whatever you finally decide.
Just my $0.02 worth.
I see a character issues, here, that hasn't been discussed enough, in my opinion. If you two do resolve the current problem and marry, are you ready to spend the rest of your life with a man who 1) seems to be unable to make a decision or does so only when pushed and 2)is unwilling and/or uaable to communicate with you. It seems to me that this situation has revealed a couple of serious character flaws that you should think about.
On amother note, my late wife was from another country and we had very few problems with the cultural and language issues because we decided very early in our dating relationship that we wouldn't take these differences serious;y and would treat them with a good humor. At least for us, that seemed to work very well.
Whatever you decise to do, I am certain that it will be the right decision and I wish you the very best of luck whatever you finally decide.
Just my $0.02 worth.
that is very good questions you asked me
i also asked this questions myself too... but at times i think i am dramatizing....
it is just 2 cent MarineVet, it is a very good piece of advice that i appreciate
If her boyfriend couldn't afford immigration costs he shouldn't have let the relationship progress to the point that it has. Both people should know and understand the emotional complications and financial burdens that come with inter-continential relationships. Love, or the idea of love, is a powerful drug. Falling in love is the greatest thing on earth, just proceed with caution. Think with your head, love with your heart.
robsantiago15: Here my question to you is your boyfriend able to afford the immigration cost for you to come to the U.S. The immigration cost to the U.S. if you are planning to get married at minimum it will cost him $40,000.00 in legal fees and other immigration fees. This cost can be higher depending on the lawyer, I have heard people get stiffed with a price tagged of $80,000.00. Others that decide to go the cheap way what happens is that it takes 2 to 4 years to be re-united. There are other ways around it will require to marry you overseas and stay for a period of 2 years in country before he can bring you to the U.S.
That's something think about and you should talk about this with your boyfriend.
So, if your boyfriend is hesitating that might be the cause.
That's something think about and you should talk about this with your boyfriend.
So, if your boyfriend is hesitating that might be the cause.
Yes, deadlines are important to test if he is sincere or not.... or you could be hanging around forever
There has been a lot of good things brought up here in this thread. A lot of food for thought. When you get tired of waiting you will move on. It is human nature to do so. But remember you can only change yourself not others. A dead line or an ultimatum to me is never good when used in circumstances like these. I read it and almost started hyperventilating and looking for a way out and then remembered hey it wasn't me getting the dead line or the ultimatum. Follow your gut. That usually will guide you the best. And remember sometimes no decision is the best decision. Wish you well 
leigh2154: If her boyfriend couldn't afford immigration costs he shouldn't have let the relationship progress to the point that it has. Both people should know and understand the emotional complications and financial burdens that come with inter-continential relationships. Love, or the idea of love, is a powerful drug. Falling in love is the greatest thing on earth, just proceed with caution. Think with your head, love with your heart.
Why does the financial side just have to be down to her boyfriend? 
Also think we are making assumptions here and only hearing one side of the story
Happygolucky4u: There has been a lot of good things brought up here in this thread. A lot of food for thought. When you get tired of waiting you will move on. It is human nature to do so. But remember you can only change yourself not others. A dead line or an ultimatum to me is never good when used in circumstances like these. I read it and almost started hyperventilating and looking for a way out and then remembered hey it wasn't me getting the dead line or the ultimatum. Follow your gut. That usually will guide you the best. And remember sometimes no decision is the best decision. Wish you well
thank you ma'am thank you all!
i am thinking about everything now. maybe it is true i should better not do anything at this point. just leave it, and live my life here. and if it is meant to be, it will be
i better go and get gym membership in order to get away from these thoughts
i am thinking about everything now. maybe it is true i should better not do anything at this point. just leave it, and live my life here. and if it is meant to be, it will be
i better go and get gym membership in order to get away from these thoughts
plsbereal: thank you all!
i am thinking about everything now. maybe it is true i should better not do anything at this point. just leave it, and live my life here. and if it is meant to be, it will be
i better go and get gym membership in order to get away from these thoughts
i am thinking about everything now. maybe it is true i should better not do anything at this point. just leave it, and live my life here. and if it is meant to be, it will be
i better go and get gym membership in order to get away from these thoughts
I use to garden when bothered in life. Sometimes it is good to air out thoughts and then let them go. Life will always have good times and bad times. Happy and sad. Working out at a gym always invigorated me and made me happy. Just because your waiting don't mean you have to stand in one spot. Go have fun. Go to the gym, go to movies, live and have a great time. leigh2154: If her boyfriend couldn't afford immigration costs he shouldn't have let the relationship progress to the point that it has. Both people should know and understand the emotional complications and financial burdens that come with inter-continential relationships. Love, or the idea of love, is a powerful drug. Falling in love is the greatest thing on earth, just proceed with caution. Think with your head, love with your heart.
That's the problem a lot people don't know and don't even think about such things until they are faced with it.serrambi: Dear, sorry, to say it, but you had your answer now.
Go ahead and don`t waste your time waiting for him...
He`s not going to meeting you, take care !
Have loads of men here, try to find another, your real partner !
Good luck !
Go ahead and don`t waste your time waiting for him...
He`s not going to meeting you, take care !
Have loads of men here, try to find another, your real partner !
Good luck !
,plsbereal: i truly find this forum soooo helpful.
my big thanks and appreciation to you guys
my big thanks and appreciation to you guys
what does ur gut feeling tell you hun??
my experience with my ex hubby was a huge waiting game of sorts... everything we did to get to any next level was my making and all he did throughout was procrastinate about taking the nxt step with me and we lived in the same town with no distance between us like you have... we got to have a child, buy a house and get married yes but it was my pushing and shoving to do all those things that got us to those levels in the relationship... I was met with resistance from him all the way... after 18 yrs I made the biggest decision of all... TO END IT... I realised he couldn't make an emotional decision to save his life... but it went on and on until I stopped making excuses for him and called it for what it was... FEAR... we either embrace with LOVE or reject through FEAR... in the planning of it all there was never an "US" strangely enough... I never felt wanted but put up with it cos he was a passive player and kinda got under my raider cos he was easier to handle than an aggressive type.
I have learnt that PASSIVE people and AGGRESSIVE people are all the same to me... "ENERGY DRAINING PARESITES"... I don't waist my time anymore... the biggest thing that came from the relationship was our wonderful son who would not be here if I hadn't been so tolerant with his father's passive Bull****t!!... it hurts immensely to finally wake up and discover he just wasn't that into me in an emotional sense... that unloved feeling... he claimed that he did love me but the only way he knew how to show it was to provide for me cos he was the man and anything to do with the domestic side of life was not his job, including making emotional decisions... this attitude only gave me the impression that this man was not into sharing in a meaningful way... it was more about being happy as a stepford wife or lump it cos he didn't want to change or even compromise... may suit others but certainly didn't suit me...
when you're on ur death bed, it's not money you take with you but the love you hold in your heart...
my point to all this is, that my gut feeling was right all along but I stayed in my head and heart and ignored my gut feeling... if you allow procrastination for whatever reason, you may just have a difficult path ahead as I experienced... be wise my friend and believe with all ur might that the gut feeling is never wrong... allow it to be your guide through this difficult time and all the best
my experience with my ex hubby was a huge waiting game of sorts... everything we did to get to any next level was my making and all he did throughout was procrastinate about taking the nxt step with me and we lived in the same town with no distance between us like you have... we got to have a child, buy a house and get married yes but it was my pushing and shoving to do all those things that got us to those levels in the relationship... I was met with resistance from him all the way... after 18 yrs I made the biggest decision of all... TO END IT... I realised he couldn't make an emotional decision to save his life... but it went on and on until I stopped making excuses for him and called it for what it was... FEAR... we either embrace with LOVE or reject through FEAR... in the planning of it all there was never an "US" strangely enough... I never felt wanted but put up with it cos he was a passive player and kinda got under my raider cos he was easier to handle than an aggressive type.
I have learnt that PASSIVE people and AGGRESSIVE people are all the same to me... "ENERGY DRAINING PARESITES"... I don't waist my time anymore... the biggest thing that came from the relationship was our wonderful son who would not be here if I hadn't been so tolerant with his father's passive Bull****t!!... it hurts immensely to finally wake up and discover he just wasn't that into me in an emotional sense... that unloved feeling... he claimed that he did love me but the only way he knew how to show it was to provide for me cos he was the man and anything to do with the domestic side of life was not his job, including making emotional decisions... this attitude only gave me the impression that this man was not into sharing in a meaningful way... it was more about being happy as a stepford wife or lump it cos he didn't want to change or even compromise... may suit others but certainly didn't suit me... when you're on ur death bed, it's not money you take with you but the love you hold in your heart...
my point to all this is, that my gut feeling was right all along but I stayed in my head and heart and ignored my gut feeling... if you allow procrastination for whatever reason, you may just have a difficult path ahead as I experienced... be wise my friend and believe with all ur might that the gut feeling is never wrong... allow it to be your guide through this difficult time
and all the best when you're on ur death bed, it's not money you take with you but the love you hold in your heart...
Amen, Sister
Amen, Sister 
Yes, give him a deadline.
Cross cultural relationships are difficult enough as it is.
Having an ocean between you is only going to make it harder.
If there are definite plans to get together then it can work. But if not, if everything is in limbo, then it will probably never work and there's no point in wasting time. Life is too short.
Cross cultural relationships are difficult enough as it is.
Having an ocean between you is only going to make it harder.
If there are definite plans to get together then it can work. But if not, if everything is in limbo, then it will probably never work and there's no point in wasting time. Life is too short.
More Threads
Salami, Salami, Baloney
Feel Good Music
everything is changing
Common Issues with the BMW X1
Icebergs Still Around
Nature
Don Shits-In-Pants!!!
1830's Music
rarotonga
your personality
More Threads
Report threads that break rules, are offensive, or contain fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. click to report forum abuse »
Go ahead and don`t waste your time waiting for him...
He`s not going to meeting you, take care !
Have loads of men here, try to find another, your real partner !
Good luck !