Long distance. He hesitates. Should I give him deadline? (187)
neversaydieEdmonton, Alberta Canada1 Threads 71 PostsHow can you realistically consider marriage after only 5 months of knowing someone? I think you are a dreamer. Get real and dump him because he obviously is not interested in marriage. His excuses are merely a ploy to get you to forget about him.
JAN_is: I thought the same when I read that post. I had no idea it was so expensive to move to America.
Sorry but I think unless someone is totally illiterate and can't fill out their own applications, it shouldn't cost nearly so much to get a visa. Of course if one wants to employ a lawyer to get it all done, that's a different story I'm sure, but I have read quite a lot on some U.S. immigration forums and it doesn't really require a lawyer's assistance if you do everything right.
The medical exams, applications, travel to the embassy for the intreview etc. are going to cost something, but not $20k and not all at once....
leigh2154: He is inviting her to his country.......When I invite, I pay!!
Besides, he's a man and from a supposedly well-off, non-third-world country. And, men used to support their wives fully in the past, and many still do (I know some such fossils personally!).
inkognito: you would be totally depending on him
Indeed, doesn't sound like the most dependable man to depend on.
plainlyjune: have you tried suggesting avenues and walk him step by step on the process? Although it is a bit of a hassle. I dunno, but i think his lack of initiative should give you a clue about his decision and character.
Doesn't work (to walk a man through something which is HIS responsibility to deal with). And agreed 100% about the character it shows.
equiya: not necessarily, she should be open. she is not married to the guy and what if he is not ready for a comittment but she is?
Exactly, even though keeping the eyes open for other men might sound disgusting and even outrageous to the OP. It would to me if I was in love with a man and considered myself in a relationship. But very sound advice cos there's no point in being committed to someone who is not at all sure yet where he stands with you.
tomcatwarne: Well I crossed oceans and continents to be with a woman, If he really wants you, believe me he will move heaven and earth to get you. This sort of indecision makes me think he is not raedy to move.
Inspiring!mariespoodles: if you allow procrastination for whatever reason, you may just have a difficult path ahead as I experienced...
Exactly. Passive, apathetic men who are "not sure about their feelings", or analyze too much (if it's going to be a good deal for THEM) etc etc. are rather useless for a relationship.
By the way, I sincerely believe the fact that it's America-Kazakhstan is not really the decisive factor here. I have the displeasure right now to observe a relationship (of sorts) of people who are separated by a mere 1.5 hr low cost airline flight and no visas or special permits to speak of, and the scenario is exactly the same. 
Men like this, who keep truly fantastic girls hanging on to some dubious hopes which they don't intend to fulfil, have my utmost contempt. 
Men like this, who keep truly fantastic girls hanging on to some dubious hopes which they don't intend to fulfil, have my utmost contempt. 
Weimarlady: By the way, I sincerely believe the fact that it's America-Kazakhstan is not really the decisive factor here. I have the displeasure right now to observe a relationship (of sorts) of people who are separated by a mere 1.5 hr low cost airline flight and no visas or special permits to speak of, and the scenario is exactly the same. Men like this, who keep truly fantastic girls hanging on to some dubious hopes which they don't intend to fulfil, have my utmost contempt.
Obviously you are entitled go your opinion, but we have nothing about his side of it.How can we make judgements on a man none of us know?
morgan5: Obviously you are entitled go your opinion, but we have nothing about his side of it.
How can we make judgements on a man none of us know?
True. I think though that the OP does need to have a heart to heart chat with this guy and then need to discuss as a couple what their future will be or not be. If one person is side skirting the conversation it could be for a variety of reasons. The reality is that the relationship is extremely short in duration thus far - if she is that intent on making it permanent it may be too much for the other person to handle right now. In a way I understand her feeling in trying to make this person make a decision, but I also think its its rushing it in another sense because they've hardly been together. How can we make judgements on a man none of us know?
Its a lot to expect someone someone to give up everything and move to another country without any second thoughts. If she'd said they'd been together for a year or more (and actually spent that time together and not simply chatting on the internet), and he still couldn't make that decision then I'd think I'd have no problem in saying move on.
Weimarlady: Sorry but I think unless someone is totally illiterate and can't fill out their own applications, it shouldn't cost nearly so much to get a visa. Of course if one wants to employ a lawyer to get it all done, that's a different story I'm sure, but I have read quite a lot on some U.S. immigration forums and it doesn't really require a lawyer's assistance if you do everything right.
The medical exams, applications, travel to the embassy for the intreview etc. are going to cost something, but not $20k and not all at once....
Besides, he's a man and from a supposedly well-off, non-third-world country. And, men used to support their wives fully in the past, and many still do (I know some such fossils personally!).
Indeed, doesn't sound like the most dependable man to depend on.
Doesn't work (to walk a man through something which is HIS responsibility to deal with). And agreed 100% about the character it shows.
Exactly, even though keeping the eyes open for other men might sound disgusting and even outrageous to the OP. It would to me if I was in love with a man and considered myself in a relationship. But very sound advice cos there's no point in being committed to someone who is not at all sure yet where he stands with you.
Inspiring!
Exactly. Passive, apathetic men who are "not sure about their feelings", or analyze too much (if it's going to be a good deal for THEM) etc etc. are rather useless for a relationship.
The medical exams, applications, travel to the embassy for the intreview etc. are going to cost something, but not $20k and not all at once....
Besides, he's a man and from a supposedly well-off, non-third-world country. And, men used to support their wives fully in the past, and many still do (I know some such fossils personally!).
Indeed, doesn't sound like the most dependable man to depend on.
Doesn't work (to walk a man through something which is HIS responsibility to deal with). And agreed 100% about the character it shows.
Exactly, even though keeping the eyes open for other men might sound disgusting and even outrageous to the OP. It would to me if I was in love with a man and considered myself in a relationship. But very sound advice cos there's no point in being committed to someone who is not at all sure yet where he stands with you.
Inspiring!
Exactly. Passive, apathetic men who are "not sure about their feelings", or analyze too much (if it's going to be a good deal for THEM) etc etc. are rather useless for a relationship.
I couldn't agree more
morgan5: Obviously you are entitled go your opinion, but we have nothing about his side of it.
How can we make judgements on a man none of us know?
How can we make judgements on a man none of us know?
Simple, he's a man, that's all you need to know.
langleygirl: True. I think though that the OP does need to have a heart to heart chat with this guy and then need to discuss as a couple what their future will be or not be. If one person is side skirting the conversation it could be for a variety of reasons. The reality is that the relationship is extremely short in duration thus far - if she is that intent on making it permanent it may be too much for the other person to handle right now. In a way I understand her feeling in trying to make this person make a decision, but I also think its its rushing it in another sense because they've hardly been together.
Its a lot to expect someone someone to give up everything and move to another country without any second thoughts. If she'd said they'd been together for a year or more (and actually spent that time together and not simply chatting on the internet), and he still couldn't make that decision then I'd think I'd have no problem in saying move on.
Its a lot to expect someone someone to give up everything and move to another country without any second thoughts. If she'd said they'd been together for a year or more (and actually spent that time together and not simply chatting on the internet), and he still couldn't make that decision then I'd think I'd have no problem in saying move on.
I did say pages back they need to have honest open communication, I think she has spent time with him in the States .I did relocate to a country very different to my own with different beliefs, culture and language and its bloody hard, work was not possible at all because of the language.
I loved the guy with all my heart but it just could not work, had I thought it through, amd listened to my head and not my heart I would have seen that.
So without knowing both sides don't feel any of us have the right to make assumptions about a situation we can't possibly know.
kidatheart: Simple, he's a man, that's all you need to know.
Well I think its a bit unfair, so there 
LouiseDreaming: I read the OP's first post as she MET him in the US, and then returned to her own country?
Thank you Louis for correcting me. I was originally reading and then got interrupted with a phone call. Then I went back to reading. Must have jumped a bit ahead too quickly and missed that they had met in the US.
Well, aside from the fact that they had met, the rest that I wrote I strongly beieve is the case.
I think he has someone in his bed with him and not the Op. Guess it may be the old saying, "When the cats away, the mouse shall play." I think he is playing her and doesn't know how to put it to her that he is no longer really interested. Perhaps he figures if she realizes that he isn't going to come over to her country, the communications will fizzle out and she will go look for someone else. Some guys think they don't want to hurt a girl's feelings by saying it directly to them. So the less they say and leave the girl in a mental quandry, there is the greater possibility she will break it off.
Our Op was convenient for him when she was in the country but no longer meets his needs when she is no longer there. I feel sad to see her heart being broken like this. She deserves much better than him in my opinion.
kidatheart: Simple, he's a man, that's all you need to know.
Yep and he has not asked us for our opinion, she has, so we give it based on what she tells us.
You have to do whatever you are comfortable with. However beware giving someone an ultimatum...it usually backfires. Sometimes a fling is simply a fling...learn, grow, move on.
equiya: Yep and he has not asked us for our opinion, she has, so we give it based on what she tells us.
Opionion based on the situation fair enough, when it gets to an opinion on the man we know nothing about to me is unjust.kidatheart: I'm fine, just been replying to some people in the same manner as they post.
My friends aren't at all like that either, they're all pretty happey people, just like me!
H My friends aren't at all like that either, they're all pretty happey people, just like me!
that emoticon looks as if it has severe constipation 
morgan5: H that emoticon looks as if it has severe constipation
No, that's after the constipation is relieved.
This is before.
kidatheart: No, that's after the constipation is relieved.
This is before.
This is before.
OMG your rightmorgan5: H that emoticon looks as if it has severe constipation
I never understand that emoticon. JAN_is: I never understand that emoticon.
Sitting here in tears laughing so much. (note to self I must get out more) 
FORGET HIM, HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED, HE MADE A FOOL OF YOU..
morgan5: Sitting here in tears laughing so much. (note to self I must get out more)
Another instance where that TP emote could be useful.
Use this
it looks link an absorbant puff with legs.morgan5: Sitting here in tears laughing so much. (note to self I must get out more)
This poor sod only sat down for a minute then the curry kicked in....
Can't reach the paper
kidatheart: Another instance where that TP emote could be useful.
Use this it looks like an absorbant puff with legs.
Use this it looks like an absorbant puff with legs.
Giggle induced typos.
I do not know the man, but I agree with you, if he told me we would be together after you left the US, I would want to talk it out to make plans.
I would not like his never having a clue.
Right now, it seems he is stalling but isn't being honest with you about it.
I agree with alot of others here on CS, don't be demanding. He will clam up on you. Just tell him you need answers and talk it out. BE direct. Maybe even yes and no questions, and write the questions down. If you are demanding, and he says no to what you are asking, then you will never know what was on his mind.
During that conversation, hell, I would even make notes. Then go over everything he said. Then you decide if that is what you want.
You will know in your heart if that is the answer from him that you want.
If it isn't, it's better, to end the relationship.
If he won't give you clear answers, then I'd let him go. It seems everything was fine when you were in the US, then when you went back home, what you thought was going to happen, didn't.
So either it was a love affair or a love affair with someone who can't follow through. Like one of the CS guys said, is if a person really cares about you, he would do what he needed to do to make sure he did not lose you. It seems like that is what you are doing, you want him, but he is being a slacker.
I'm sorry this is happening because love is so wonderful, then things can get all messed up. You don't know if it is because it wasn't true or the person is just not geared up to follow through.
The Dobe
I would not like his never having a clue.
Right now, it seems he is stalling but isn't being honest with you about it.
I agree with alot of others here on CS, don't be demanding. He will clam up on you. Just tell him you need answers and talk it out. BE direct. Maybe even yes and no questions, and write the questions down. If you are demanding, and he says no to what you are asking, then you will never know what was on his mind.
During that conversation, hell, I would even make notes. Then go over everything he said. Then you decide if that is what you want.
You will know in your heart if that is the answer from him that you want.
If it isn't, it's better, to end the relationship.
If he won't give you clear answers, then I'd let him go. It seems everything was fine when you were in the US, then when you went back home, what you thought was going to happen, didn't.
So either it was a love affair or a love affair with someone who can't follow through. Like one of the CS guys said, is if a person really cares about you, he would do what he needed to do to make sure he did not lose you. It seems like that is what you are doing, you want him, but he is being a slacker.
I'm sorry this is happening because love is so wonderful, then things can get all messed up. You don't know if it is because it wasn't true or the person is just not geared up to follow through.
The Dobe
If he has had a reasonable amount of time to make things happen so you can be together I would suspect it never will happen.
I think you are not confident in this relationship and you are not sure your love story will have a happy end.
You are sure of your feelings for him, but are you sure of his feelings for you ;his way of acting,you have to put yourself in thoughts.
I know when someone wants something trying to get it ,no matter the distance,money etc.In this case I think he is not ready to face all these,maybe he is not strong enough to fight for his love and happiness.
Sometimes when people are powerless, they are cowards and don't recognize this.You don't try to be the person who decides for both,don't force the situation,sure is something foul.
If he were desperate for you love and he would have felt with all his being that he loves you and is sure that he would have proved somewhat,but I think he is not sure about that.You don't try to do what each of us have done in our lives,that is to run after illusion and to fight for something that often is not worth fighting.
I know it is not easy ,but you need to have a conversation serious with him and decide what you want to do in the future.You prefer to wait for an answer that may not come or you will try to find someone who really loves you and is worthy of you .
Anyway you be optimistic and be patient; the time solves everything,each of us has his star and there are so many stars in the sky.
Someday you'll find your star pair that you'll draw your own constellation.
You are sure of your feelings for him, but are you sure of his feelings for you ;his way of acting,you have to put yourself in thoughts.
I know when someone wants something trying to get it ,no matter the distance,money etc.In this case I think he is not ready to face all these,maybe he is not strong enough to fight for his love and happiness.
Sometimes when people are powerless, they are cowards and don't recognize this.You don't try to be the person who decides for both,don't force the situation,sure is something foul.
If he were desperate for you love and he would have felt with all his being that he loves you and is sure that he would have proved somewhat,but I think he is not sure about that.You don't try to do what each of us have done in our lives,that is to run after illusion and to fight for something that often is not worth fighting.
I know it is not easy ,but you need to have a conversation serious with him and decide what you want to do in the future.You prefer to wait for an answer that may not come or you will try to find someone who really loves you and is worthy of you .
Anyway you be optimistic and be patient; the time solves everything,each of us has his star and there are so many stars in the sky.
Someday you'll find your star pair that you'll draw your own constellation.
I suggest that you back off. DO not call him or ask him anymore about what is happening. If he is not sure and confused and you keep asking he will become more frustrated and perhaps run. He loves you but you are a long way a way and it is not an easy thing very long distance relationships.
I have always found that backing off and leaving them alone works wonders!
People hate to be pushed. Let him come to you now. He will wonder why you are suddenly not so eager. You can tell him simply that you are going on with your life and if he wants to be with you then you can work together to find a way.
My father always told me...when a man is interested and wants to be with me he will move mountains. This is very true!
It is a heart wrenching situation for you but forcing it will not make it any better. We cannot control other people and we cannot make them do what we want.
I have always found that backing off and leaving them alone works wonders!
People hate to be pushed. Let him come to you now. He will wonder why you are suddenly not so eager. You can tell him simply that you are going on with your life and if he wants to be with you then you can work together to find a way.My father always told me...when a man is interested and wants to be with me he will move mountains. This is very true!
It is a heart wrenching situation for you but forcing it will not make it any better. We cannot control other people and we cannot make them do what we want.
morgan5: Well I think its a bit unfair, so there
Kid and Morgan, with all due respect guys....
If a man is not able or, worse yet, willing to pay such expenses, he's nothing but a weakling. I don't care that it's 2010, we are all "equal" or any of that. If he is unable, for whatever reason, to take on this responsibility, I would not consider anything with him. Yes, technically many of us ladies make a LOT more than some men we go out with, but it has to do with the way they feel about us. As soon as the man starts to say "sniff, sniff, I won't have enough left for me to enjoy my hobbies then", "it's not fair, it should be 50:50" and such BS, I'd be out (and not because I have no money to contribute). (Think about what will happen if the couple has a child, for example, and the wife simply cannot work for whatever reason.)
Men that look for bargains and are not ready to give, are truly not worth bothering with. JMHO.
My friends!
Yes I spent a year in US on a student visa. In June we met. In October I left. Our relationship was an incredible experience to me, the feeling was strong. Yes, it did not last long, but all that time that we were together felt like we knew each other long long time. I could feel his love too. But I guess its about character. If another man was in his place perhaps we would have been together long time ago. It took me time to realize he is weak, he is full of doubts and fears. and the worst is he is not able to hold open honest communication. I had to push him to make him talk to me. If he loved me things would have been different. Probably he did /does love me just he its about personality and character.
and like someone asked me above : if the situation resolves, am I ready to spend the rest of my life with the man who is indecisive and not willing to do anything unless i push him? if we worked it out now, it will not work out in the future anyway.
Its done now. And i am glad that it is finally over. Yes it hurts but i will survive
I appreciate your help my friends!
Yes I spent a year in US on a student visa. In June we met. In October I left. Our relationship was an incredible experience to me, the feeling was strong. Yes, it did not last long, but all that time that we were together felt like we knew each other long long time. I could feel his love too. But I guess its about character. If another man was in his place perhaps we would have been together long time ago. It took me time to realize he is weak, he is full of doubts and fears. and the worst is he is not able to hold open honest communication. I had to push him to make him talk to me. If he loved me things would have been different. Probably he did /does love me just he its about personality and character.
and like someone asked me above : if the situation resolves, am I ready to spend the rest of my life with the man who is indecisive and not willing to do anything unless i push him? if we worked it out now, it will not work out in the future anyway.
Its done now. And i am glad that it is finally over. Yes it hurts but i will survive
I appreciate your help my friends!
plsbereal: My friends!
Yes I spent a year in US on a student visa. In June we met. In October I left. Our relationship was an incredible experience to me, the feeling was strong. Yes, it did not last long, but all that time that we were together felt like we knew each other long long time. I could feel his love too. But I guess its about character. If another man was in his place perhaps we would have been together long time ago. It took me time to realize he is weak, he is full of doubts and fears. and the worst is he is not able to hold open honest communication. I had to push him to make him talk to me. If he loved me things would have been different. Probably he did /does love me just he its about personality and character.
and like someone asked me above : if the situation resolves, am I ready to spend the rest of my life with the man who is indecisive and not willing to do anything unless i push him? if we worked it out now, it will not work out in the future anyway.
Its done now. And i am glad that it is finally over. Yes it hurts but i will survive
I appreciate your help my friends!
Yes I spent a year in US on a student visa. In June we met. In October I left. Our relationship was an incredible experience to me, the feeling was strong. Yes, it did not last long, but all that time that we were together felt like we knew each other long long time. I could feel his love too. But I guess its about character. If another man was in his place perhaps we would have been together long time ago. It took me time to realize he is weak, he is full of doubts and fears. and the worst is he is not able to hold open honest communication. I had to push him to make him talk to me. If he loved me things would have been different. Probably he did /does love me just he its about personality and character.
and like someone asked me above : if the situation resolves, am I ready to spend the rest of my life with the man who is indecisive and not willing to do anything unless i push him? if we worked it out now, it will not work out in the future anyway.
Its done now. And i am glad that it is finally over. Yes it hurts but i will survive
I appreciate your help my friends!
Weimarlady: Kid and Morgan, with all due respect guys....
If a man is not able or,worse yet, willing to pay such expenses, he's nothing but a weakling. I don't care that it's 2010, we are all "equal" or any of that. If he is unable, for whatever reason, to take on this responsibility, I would not consider anything with him. Yes, technically many of us ladies make a LOT more than some men we go out with, but it has to do with the way they feel about us. As soon as the man starts to say "sniff, sniff, I won't have enough left for me to enjoy my hobbies then", "it's not fair, it should be 50:50" and such BS, I'd be out (and not because I have no money to contribute). (Think about what will happen if the couple has a child, for example, and the wife simply cannot work for whatever reason.)
Men that look for bargains and are not ready to give, are truly not worth bothering with. JMHO.
If a man is not able or,
Men that look for bargains and are not ready to give, are truly not worth bothering with. JMHO.
Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances that prevent a person from doing just that.
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