1) Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5...4...3...2...1...
2) After the tone, leave your name, number, and the location of the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to come out of hiding.
3) The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.
4) I can't come to the phone right now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now... I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh, ARRRRGGGHHH. This is so confusing.
5) How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello? Hello? Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this...YOW!!
6) C'mon...you can do it...just a little one. That's the way...just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon...good boy...here we go...like this-- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...There you go!
7) Next on Public Radio 64.124.202.19 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72....
8) This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's password is FUNONE.
9) Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange...mother...unicorn. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
10) No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
Read it through to the end, it gets better as you go!
Age 5 I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sings "Silent Night".
Age 7 I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 9 I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 12 I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 14 I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 15 I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 24 I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 26 I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 29 I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 30 I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 42 I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 44 I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 46 I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 47 I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 48 I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 49 I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 50 I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 51 I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 52 I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 53 I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 58 I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 61 I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 62 I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 64 I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 65 I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 66 I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 72 I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 82 I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 90 I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 92 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
I was once, I used to work in a dry cleaning plant, very hot, steamy & dirty conditions, but it was honest labor.
Anyway there was this woman who was always dirty, I mean dirty, you could see the dirt in the crease lines in her neck, under her nails & her arms. She also never brushed her teeth and had a very foul body & breath odor about her. Now this woman was not homeless, she lived in a 3 bdrm 2 bath home, ok?
Several of the employees brought this to the boss's attention but nothing was ever accomplished. So a co-worker & myself bought a bar of soap, a stick of deoderant, a toothbrush, toothpaste, & mouthwash, and put it on the front seat of her car in a plain brown paper bag. I guess when she found it she was insulted & she told the boss about it. Well the boss figured out it was me & my co-worker & fired us both.
I was always taught "never judge a book by it's cover". That goes for people too, just because a person is covered with ink or has lots of piercings doesn't make them a bad person it just makes them different and expressive.
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password... Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured He would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P_E_N_I_S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
Scottishlass Forum Posts (3,324)
Get well soon
so nice to meet you 
RE: Powerful thoughts for 2008.............
you succeeded