1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
It's amazing how beautiful you can make a wall look with just a power hose
Artist Kevin McHugh has created a brilliant Halloween 'power hose mural' on a dirty old wall
This piece of artwork certainly takes a bit of skill.
Artist Kevin McHugh has created a brilliant Halloween 'power hose mural' on a dirty old wall in his native county.
As the video shows, working without a stencil, Kevin takes the dirt off the walls with a power hose - creating a terrific image with a Halloween twist.
The Fermanagh man told Belfast Live: "I like the challenge of creating art by taking something away rather than adding to it. By stripping back the dirt to reveal the light I feel like I'm bringing a little beauty or at least a touch of charm to a building that is otherwise largely ignored.
"That's not to say it didn't already have it's own character, I'm just bringing out another aspect of it, albeit it with a twist.
He added: "I guess I've always been a bit "Charlie Brown" and have a tendency to sympathise with the underdog, that's why I like to give these old buildings a new lease of life and their 15 minutes in the spotlight.
"As for the subject matter for this particular mural, it's just my lifelong love of Halloween coming to the fore.
That is still weird to accept..That you like footy. But its all good.
I am listening to various podcasts on Radio Ulster/Foyle (catching up on local events) and you'd think Derry is the only place in the O6C that is celebrating Halloween.
What happened to eating food with respect or does that only apply to chicken with garlic and ginger????
Most people read me the wrong way and walk away with a false impression. So I am putting the record straight. I am basically a lovable rogue and misunderstood..
I am not prejudiced in any shape or form. I don't like west Brits and I have never hidden the fact. If anyone finds any of my posts offensive. Thats their problem and not mine. I don't set out to offend, I just don't "do" PC talk. Never have and never will...
I have explained here and provided links to podcasts among others things here to prove to people that while they may call the 26 county state a Republic, the cold, hard facts are is, it is anything but....
Be brave Molly, be a mans woman and eat or slurp (as I just done) cold custard from a carton. Trust me you'll feel great...I have a tin of cold strawberries in my fridge aswell.. I doubt they will see sunrise, they also have their name on my short list of munchie food tonight.
Phoenix Forum Posts (6,948)
RE: Ronnie79 for RONNIE79 CALLING RONNIE79
All part of the service Molly......(Here are some more daft joke...sorry in advance)
1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.