TurkishDelight Forum Posts (3,998)

Is there...........

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is there...........

A woman walks into a Tallaght benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...
'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours? 'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'

The Irish will get this one

Is there...........

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,
And was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account,
and wrote him a Cheque....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it

Is there...........

A young deaf American was taking a vacation overseas. He got a Eurail pass and toured Holland, France, Belgium, and a bunch of other places before ending up in Germany. At his first village, he went into a pub and there, off in the corner, were three older German gentlemen who were signing. They appeared to be deaf. The young man watched and figured he could understand the signs enough to carry on a conversation.

He got a beer and asked if they would allow him to join them, and they did. They chatted about this and that, and soon conversation gave way to how each of them became deaf. The first older German said, "Well, I was a soldier in WWII, and my platoon was hit by a big American mortar, and it exploded near my head, and I lost all my hearing." The American boy was kind of saddened by this. The second German went on:" I was in a UBoat and my job was to listen for enemy ships. An American destroyer dropped a depth bomb on my ship, and it went off very close to it, and I lost my hearing as a result." Oh no, thinks the young American. How awful. The third German held forth: "I was in a plane, and we were struck by a bomb, and it went off right next to me, and it blew out my ears, and that is how I lost my hearing."

Well, that was just awful, the young American thinks. My country is indirectly responsible for these poor chaps going deaf. He was sad about this until they asked him how he became deaf. Smiling, he signed, "Well, before I was born, my mom got German measles."

Is there...........

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars.It was obvious she was a little irritated. . . She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'
The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people too!

Is there...........

LIPREADING:

Researchers tell us that only about 25 percent of what is said can be understood by lipreading.

For example:

Suppose a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean this place up,
Your stuff is lying all over on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow
unless we do the laundry right now!"

Her lipreading husband will get:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Is there...........

It thats why the patient needs a humour transplant ...before we can give it to them we needs supplies

Is there...........

Why do farts smell?So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Is there...........

Go on go on

One day a lady was driving on the Highway. She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding. I'm not drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license dues and everything!"

So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car. She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it. A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her. The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back, "I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."

Is there...........

Go on ...I dare you

remeber the patient.....they are fading away...you need to help them Jan

Is there...........

Oh my gawd they are fading fast...get a transfusion in quick!!!!!!!

Is there...........

Nurse Ratchet Line them up and we can see if they are out of date

Is there...........

Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
Man replies I don’t know about you but I stepped on a duck

Is there...........

A doctor in the house


Quick I need one ASAP!!!


OH My Goodness

Help needed now people

We have a patient going down.......fast

Hurry up Doc

You need to get the procedure done quickly before they loose it

Oh No..its happening already

We need a Humour Transplant ASAP

will assist

All jokes are needed Right Now!,.......doesn't matter the flavour just get the jokes in now...they are fading fast..

We need your ageist/deaf/blind/ gender specific/wife/husband/religious/sporting...........anything at all people................ they need a transfusion now!!!

Is there...........

A doctor in the house


Quick I need one ASAP!!!


OH My Goodness

Help needed now people

We have a patient going down.......fast

Hurry up Doc

You need to get the procedure done quickly before they loose it

Oh No..its happening already

We need a Humour Transplant ASAP

will assist

All jokes are needed Right Now!,.......doesn't matter the flavour just get the jokes in now...they are fading fast..

We need your ageist/deaf/blind/ gender specific/wife/husband/religious/sporting...........anything at all people................ they need a transfusion now!!!

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

you must be an easy lay if thats all it takes to turn you on

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

Its Annoying or what....

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

Conor is going to be so sick tonight ..he ate all the and drank all the we had stashed for the next CS meet-up

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

Stress it was a wee joke...... well you now the chap from last night did it again tonight

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

In the bogs of Ireland Love your profile and Im liking the full facial pic..damn woman your gorgeous

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

I do believe ther ahs been a misunderstanding in the negotiating process

YOU have to pay via your tickets in the BOX if you want a piece of Micky

THe I can give them to Ellson

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

I knew I forgot something...I did look at it, was distracted by Veritas..you can blame her

I sent it on to my brother..he is bonkers about Liverpool...

I'm not Oh jesus ........will there be incoming for that last statement


I better

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

Conoooooooooooooooooooooor you are going to blow up ya know with all that and

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

It'll cost ya tickets to the next Liverpool match in the Box

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

oi!! Im your wing man...you reel em in, I sell your bod to them.. its win win situation

RE: WHAT WOMEN WANT ..........!!

That fair was crazy

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

as if

Lp let me tell you about Mickey

he is so fine, he will blow your mind

Dont let on that you now..its a secret but he is so not a nice guy..he is a






Good guy with a dirty mind waiting for the right woman to come along and turn him into a

The question is...are you fit for him girl

RE: Please say Hi here if you like. Have a good weekend.

Hi and have a good weekend You havent met the Irish gorup yet have you

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

Thers is in the air
You go girl

RE: I HATE YOU ALL

I have got to introduce you to my brother

He is in London too

He is 40, divorced, good job, loves women in a good/healthy way, no issues except for Liverpool mad