I'm certifiable, and I was a chef for quite awile. And I wash the dishes I use to cook with as I go, so there are only plates and glasses. But If I'm treating, I'll take care of those, too. I'd love to have someone to share the kitchen with! When I was in cook school I dated the ETs and Yoemen ladies! Us cooks were usually a little too crazy to date each other, always caused problems down in the dungeon.
Texas, Our Texas! all hail the mighty State! Texas, Our Texas! so wonderful so great! Boldest and grandest, withstanding ev'ry test O Empire wide and glorious, you stand supremely blest. (chorus)
Texas, O Texas! your freeborn single star, Sends out its radiance to nations near and far, Emblem of Freedom! it set our hearts aglow, With thoughts of San Jacinto and glorious Alamo. (chorus)
Texas, dear Texas! from tyrant grip now free, Shines forth in splendor, your star of destiny! Mother of heroes, we come your children true, Proclaiming our allegiance, our faith, our love for you.
Chorus
God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong, That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long. God bless you Texas! And keep you brave and strong, That you may grow in power and worth, throughout the ages long.
"Duane why are you pointin' that gun in the water?" "I'm thinking about shooting my D*** off. It ain't caused me nothing but trouble my whole life." "Well I wish you wouldn't. It's an awful small target and you might miss and ruin our brand new hot tub." ---Texasville.
"Why do you want to go? You hate people." "I know, but i love gatherings." ---Clerks
MySpace was originally set up so bands could get together and swap music, lyrics, and gather for sessions and shows. But it has become much, much more.
Why do we still use the phrase When Pigs fly...and forget about Police helicopters? {I heard this from a cop buddy.}
Have you ever wondered?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
How odd was Phillip's head for a screwdriver to be named after him?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer
If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where is Old Zealand?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why did the pot call the kettle black?
Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
I don't have a single favorite. I like Carlin quite a bit. Jeff Dunham, Jim Gaffigan, Demetri Martin, Stephen Lynch, Dennis Leary, The Blue Collar Guys, and many, many others.
See the insanity you'd miss out on if I was out in the bars chasing tail? I hate out 4000 character limit. My personal forum has a 10,000 character limit, so it screws me up here. And we get to kill things.
30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs. 31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone. 32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down. 33.Hold a debate. Take both sides. 34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn. 35.Auction your date off for silverware. 36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you. 37.Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal. 38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments. 39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around. 40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience. 41.Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense). 42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out. 43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite. 44.Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant. 45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her. 46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt. 47.Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills. 48.Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it. 49.Accuse your date of espionage. 50.Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults. 51.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal. 52.Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill. 53.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow. 54.Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along. 55.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice. 4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5.Repeat every third third word you say say. 6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook. 7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date. 8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly. 9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about. 10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. 11.Order a bucket of lard. 12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. 13.Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female. 14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets. 15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves. 16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme. 17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food. 18.Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. 19.Drool. 20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs. 21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you. 22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?" 23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you. 24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates. 25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up. 26.Ask your date how much money they have with them. 27.Order for your date. Order something nasty. 28.Communicate in mime the entire evening. 29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
kieyotie Forum Posts (615)
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At least until I get that second elbow to the ribs anyway
RE: do girls like a guy that can cook?
I'm certifiable, and I was a chef for quite awile.And I wash the dishes I use to cook with as I go, so there are only plates and glasses.
But If I'm treating, I'll take care of those, too.
I'd love to have someone to share the kitchen with!
When I was in cook school I dated the ETs and Yoemen ladies! Us cooks were usually a little too crazy to date each other, always caused problems down in the dungeon.