sarasvathy Poetry (12)

We met at a bend
You were melting into drizzle
Dropping slight and slow
There was no other sign
The piece of light inside my head turned into street lamp
That was a mysterious moment when I could see you, through
Your heart was clear, your misery was clear
There was no page marker
I have read you, all over

October, 2016

These photos of us
Are the smell of the path
Where I will always come back
And never find you there

These voice notes of us
Are the sound of love
We once used to sing
But already forgotten

These tears of mine
Are the witness
That I still love you
No matter what

C = Cause you can't turn back time
A = A day is living the present
R = Rawr everyday
P = Pretend you're the star
E = Even though they don't give you a part

D = Dream is the start
I = In time make it come true
E = Ease all that come in your way
M = Make them see what you can do and be

He was young
White and tall, long hair
Flat face, almost no expression

He talked calmly
Deeply
Beyond his age

He worked in the farm when his friends were still going crazy at a party
He witnessed his father cheated on his mother
When his friends were having their first love
He grew old sooner than most of his friends

But his laugh was loud
Almost like a kid
And he is a kid
At least to me

Not until I learned what he did to his lover
Making a Christmas tree for she never experienced Christmas as her father left her since she was a baby
And now for her birthday, he is preparing a performance as she is a dancer
Rehearsal every night
Get yelled at as she feels he is too busy and does not have enough time for her
For this he only said “I’ll take what it takes to make her happy.”

Is he acted beyond his age?
Or it is a pure love most kids still have?
After all, he is still young
Only twenty
Half of my age

Do I even have half of his patient and passion to make the one I love happy?
Do I even have the courage to love, after what I have been through, like he does after all he has been through?

Do I?

Sing with me and I’ll dance with you
To the moon which always smile though people might not see
Where you do things because you want to not because people want you to

Dance with me and I’ll sail with you
To the world of unknown
Where feelings are free to be expressed

Sail with me and I’ll settle with you
In the land of joy
Where there is only me and you

Her name is June, this is her story in April
She met a man, named Bruce
Only to let him left some bruises
Leaving a brand new scars, adding to some old still bleed one
Strange she did not cry now
Maybe there are no tears left
Maybe now she knows cry won’t take her anywhere
So June will keep on falling
in love
out of love
in another month
or another year
She does not care whether she'll be hurt
Because she has been hurt
Yet still alive
That's what matter, isn't it?
to be alive
and be able feel

All her life
She has only one dream
To reach the sky
Jump as high as she can
Fly wherever she desires
Be whatever she wants
She only has one thing to remember
It is when she can feel the ground then she would be able to jump

You appeared in my dream
Finally
After long endless conversation
It was faceless
At first
But I never doubt your being
Then came words
Voices
Everything that I need
To materialize you

Should everything be materialized?
Feelings
Longing
Would we ever reach "there"?
Should we stay "here"?
What is "here" and "there"?

Was it really a distance between us?
Only miles away and nothing else?

This morning, I brought you flower
Roses, they are red

It's a a sword, you said
I went home, with my heart bleeding

Depok, 1993

I had a dream last night
Us taking trip
Not that kind of trip
This one was without pills
Splendid time we had
As we used to
I thought I'd stay
But I wake up
After all
It was only a dream
And I
Didn't want to live in it

It was his endless questions that first caught me
An instant friendly feeling
Like an old friend who just met again
Or a gaze from a stranger in a crowded party where you feel alone
Rescued you from loneliness
Boredom
Aloofness

Then his warm smile
Telling you more than words that keeps coming from his full lips
A lips he said can hypnotize you once it touches yours
A lips that you dream that someday will meet yours
And bring you to a world of joy

Then his eyes
Those weary eyes
Even though they look unsure
You can feel that once they were full of passion
Has someone has taken that out from them?
Has something happened?

I saw him so full of life
I saw him lonely
I saw him feeling best at what he’s doing
I saw him lost in what he is seeking
“What is it I am living for if those I love live so far away?”

Those who love you will keep you in their heart no matter what
I saw those eyes were full of love being near you
Looking up to their hero
Their dad
Big wide smiles
Smiles that don’t lie
They haven’t live long enough to let life teach them how to perform a fake one
Like the one their dad sometimes wear

Live my friend
Don’t let them see some part of you dying
Don’t let them think that live is only about surviving and fulfilling other’s expectation
Don’t let them think you are suffering for them
Let them learn that life belongs to them
And it is their will that will do
Not society
Nor family

Let them know they can be happy living
Not a zombie doing order from other

Jakarta, September 7th, 2012

I am
a kamikaze woman who get stung by the bee
a fish who can not swim
a dancer who can not even move properly
a singer whose voice my get you dizzy
a stubborn little girl
a complicated lady
a stranger you wish you never met

I am
everything that you wish I were not

I am
your worst nightmare

one thing you should know
I will love you
unconditionally

are you worth my love?