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So, for the longest time I have been doing my best. In all things and aspects of life. I have given my all to everyone and everything I encountered. Not to say I didn't have my moments of selfishness and seclusion. I kept my faith, my love and my self esteem in check. I tried to find that inner peace in such a chaotic world outside and inside my home. I have tried my best for others to say it's not good enough. I sent my money to be paid to the bills and debts accrued under my name for the money to be selfishly spent on frivolous things and be told that it wasn't good enough. I have witheld my income to pay the debts myself to have games played and the money lost within those games to never be recovered. All I seek in this life is peace. I wish to have a family of my own someday no matter how selfish I've been told that is. Very recently I have been told by an emergency room that not only are the physical pains real but the emotional ones are real too. I have been told that I suffer from severe traumatic depression and PTSD induced by my prior relationship. I didn't want the violence. I didn't want the childish name calling and public outbursts of supposed affection that were only childish tantrums from a person who manipulated every one by playing the everything is ok card and when behind closed doors the hitting themselves and hurting everyone with words or physical acts. It scares me that for so long nobody believed it was happening. The same words would be said to me about how much I should try harder and do more. I was told that I was never supporting the other person. That they only supported themselves. Then I found out online that it was one of those things where they were gaining sympathy for something that wasn't happening. It broke my heart. It broke my soul. I helped raise two children who weren't even mine. Supporting their every need I possibly could. From the beginning there was talk of having more with me but because of a tubal ligation the year prior to us meeting, there would need to be a reversal done in order to achieve that goal. that's been hung over my head from the start just to be told everytime it came up that it was said just to keep me in the relationship. There have been many many arrests due to the violence and I have been hospitalized far too many times because of how I was raised to not hit those of the opposite side of the relationship. I have no clue what or why it all happened the way it always did. It got so bad the hospital gave me a social worker who told me to start filming everything because if I didn't it would be claimed like it has all along that it didn't happen. The last time I filmed it I was attacked so violently that I have internal bleeding and I will have permanent bite marks to the top of my skull in my hairline. I would have been arrested on the spot when the sheriff showed up if not for the sake of the video. I have tried for many years to peacefully go my separate way leaving every possession I have owned behind each and every time just to have to start over again. I wish nothing but peace in their life and the children's lives, because unfortunately I don't have the will to be beaten senseless anymore. I am ashamed of myself for allowing myself to be in this for so long. I only wanted peace out of life for everyone and everything around me. I do have my job. I will have to start over again with a home. And start again with another vehicle. But time will grant me those things as long as I keep to ky work. That's the only real thing I have in this world. My career. I can go anywhere and still have my trade. I just want to find peace in this world. Just peace. I wish nothing but peace upon anyone else who is hurt and feels like they are damaged because of their inability to free themselves of the pain of this world. It is a cruel place but I wish you all peace. Nothing but peace. Please remember that regardless of what others tell you, you are loved by someone somewhere. DJD

I pulled into tolleson, az this morning around 3 am. Was told there were no deliveries today and drove across the street to the company yard and shut down and took a small nap. When I woke up I decided I wanted a hot shower and a shave and a fresh set of clothes. I grabbed my bag of supposedly clean clothes and remembered that I didn't have a chance to dry them. Well when I tossed them into the bag they were still soaking wet because the washer I was using didn't have that good of a spin cycle. That was 4 days ago. I have looked on Craigslist at all the ads for people asking for help stating that they're willing to work for the money. I've contacted all of them. Nobody is willing to wash and dry one load of laundry for a hundred bucks. when I was a teenager, I'd have dug a hole to China for a five spot. I wasn't even asking for the clothes to be folded, just washed, dried and tossed back into the bag. I figured out a way around it all until I can get to a washer and dryer. I bought gas station clothes.

I have so very much recently received emails through this site from a whole lot of wonderful people. And it hit me. Quite a bit of them keep getting their profiles deleted and banned, then the emails would disappear. So I started looking at the pages and wow. Wasn't expecting that much nudity and such crass statements in the profiles. Especially when they keep directing people to off-site pages. Good on you for trying to turn a profit, but why not just do right by yourselves and the poor souls who pictures you're using and not post some unfortunate lady's nude pictures for the sake of blatent advertising? There are many wonderful words of encouragement and support coming from actual people and then even more coming from fake accounts that a couple have truly said amazing things that disappeared because unfortunately when they deleted your account they deleted your message as well. I took a nap for a while and decided to go through some text messages I kept receiving on the phone. I see an old pattern popping up on the phone that I have encountered many many times over the years. Full of sorrys, full of blame, full of begging and back to blaming. I am not amused at any of what I saw written to the phone. I am actually mortified that it is continuing the way it has with absolutely no shame. First the tears, then the pity, then blame, followed up with manipulation then back to blame. A whole lot of excuses that have been said many, many times. I put the phone down and turned over and did something I haven't been able to bring myself to do in years. I prayed. I spoke aloud to a higher being that more than likely had deaf ears. I got my thoughts and prayers out, and when I felt I was done I got up, put my boots back on and went for a walk around the businesses and just kicked a can around the corner. I still feel as though I had a conversation with the cab of a semi truck in vain. I don't know what to say about myself for having that feeling. If it was up to me I would have been better off without putting myself through the pain of looking. But that's a good lesson. It's not just a lesson but I don't have the words to describe just how disappointed I am. I cannot explain how much regret I have. And honestly, I cannot explain why it is so hard for me to stay on topic instead of drifting off upon the same tired bore of a subject. Please do not take offense to my drivel. Tomorrow morning I will write about something joyful in my heart. A goal and purpose I have had for many many years longer than any relationship I have encountered. A secret to none but myself that I have refused to face from the start and if it touches your heart and soul, and brings joy and hope and tears and laughter, then at least I completed part of my dreams that I have been too scared to realize for the sake of my own discord and insecurities. Once again thank you to everyone in this world for the good and the bad and everything in between. Until tomorrow, may there be nothing but peace and grace around all your loving places.

So, here it is. I have about an hour before I have to fight with the receiver at this facility to get my trailer unloaded.. When I was about 14 my sister already ran away from home the year before and filed for emancipation from my mom who pretty much checked out of being a parent at that point because it was far too stressful fighting for a daughter and trying to raise a son on her own all the while losing the house she paid for off the sweat of her work, to her brother who was just trying to get a free house. I was kicked into the world and already had been living rough for the entire year before. I always held a grudge against everybody involved in all of that because at the end of the day every single day I was alone. Alone in every struggle there was. Whether it be finding a meal, a warm place to sleep, comfort from the injustices that kept tormenting a child living on the street. I started working a man's job at 13. I have always worked since. Whether or not I had shelter or clean clothes or even a warm meal, I always worked. From general labor to supervising machinists to sweeping and mopping out bars to working at the newspaper which I truly feel was the start of being career minded, to any and every odd job I could pick up until the latest career of driving a truck for the past twelve years. My life has always been filled with work. There have been times when I was in between jobs but even then I kept myself busy doing for others. But that's not the point. The struggles and hunger aren't the point. No matter what had happened before now isn't anything more than a test of my life and to be honest, in my personal opinion, I failed miserably. But the reason I have that opinion of myself is I have always, no matter what, been able to overcome all of it and move forward. My dream from the bitter beginning of the start of my life's true struggles was to carve a swath of peace out of the troubling times before me and be able to make a place that I can have a peaceful and happy life with a wife who would love me for me and stand by me through the good times and the bad times and all times in between. A wife who is strong enough to face the troubles without flinching or running from the problems. But mostly strong enough to be able to let me know when I am wrong and hold me accountable for my wrongs. But one who is gentle enough to admit when she is wrong and kind enough to accept my hand to not pull her up but allow me to lift her up. I wanted a family full of little ones. So so many that I would have to build such a magnificent home and there would be nothing but love that would radiate from that home because the foundation wouldn't be of bedrock, but of love and peace and harmony. I would have land as far as the eye can see full of grassy Meadows and cattle and goats and chickens and ducks and geese and dogs and cats and every creature in between. I would be able to live off of that in and of itself, able to support the neighbors and strangers around me so that they wouldn't have the chance to feel the pain of hunger or loneliness for lack of friends because as long as I lived they would always have a friend and a meal. If needed they would always have a home to come home to even if theirs ceased to exist. I always dreamt of waking to the still of the morning and welcoming the morning sun and feeling the warmth upon my face and knowing that as long as I put myself into my labors that nobody can take it away. That as long as I love with all of my heart there would be no pain to wish away. That as long as I have a breath of fresh air and a big dreams that seems out of reach to all but my heart, that at least if I did fall, I will have accomplished maybe not everything I wished for but enough to not be told I have accomplished nothing. I wished for people to get along and not feel anger towards one another, so that they can at least be civil and true to their words. But, I know, it's very selfish of me to dream like this. Srry

Death of infants seem to be on the rise here in Belize, the USA and other places.

The dads are physically beating two months old, eight months old babies to death by multiple cranial fractures etc. ??

Parents are you crazy ?
What can a newly born defenseless baby do to you so bad ?

Why go and copulate in the first place ? They did not ask you to bring them into existence.

Government what will you do to these wicked parents who are of well sound mind but just have the Hollywood pretense and find multiple silly reasons to do these sad things to these babies.

Drug addict parents give the child to a family member of sound mind or to the government rather that harming the child on your cocaine high.

It's so sad and I feel it for these children.


All countries should give lethal injection or electrocution to all parents who willfully kill their children.

KILL AND BE KILLED !!

My Dad was a proud man all his life. As a Father he was a hypocrite who taught us do as he said not as he did. No one is perfect. He loved the family and we are a large loving happy family.

Last year after a few accidents I bought Dad a box of Adult pull ups. It is probably the only time ever in my life that Mom got mad at me and rolled her eyes into the back of her head because I insulted Dad's dignity by buying pull ups. I told Mom I would give them away but at least take 3 in case Dad get's sick in which case, he loses control.

Two months later Mom called and asked me to order more, they prevented the mess from accidents. Still he did not lose his dignity in full. Now after being in this rehab facility for five months, he has virtually no dignity left. He has been in Adult diapers (I didn't even know they made them) and has no problem with anyone seeing him in them. The disease strips one completely of their dignity.

In my mind, I've already lost Dad. He may recognize me when I enter but forgets I was there ten minutes later. Soon he won't even know me. The worst part is that he sleeps 22 hours out of a 24 hr. day. That is no life, none, nadda, asta la bye bye. If he would have known this was his destiny he would have taken himself out last year. If death with dignity were offered here, one bro and myself would vote for him to take it, however the rest of the family would consider that blasphemy. They want him alive whether he is gone in his mind or not. When Dad was young he was the same, his Dad was in a dead coma with a strong heart and my Dad kept pounding him to keep that heart beating for as long as he could because he couldn't let go.

He has good insurance so the doctors will keep him alive most likely for years to come. Maybe it would be a good thing if he didn't have insurance. I would never dream of letting one of my dogs suffer, as much as it kills me, and it does, I put them down when they are stripped of a quality life.

And greatly missed.



I do not stand alone. What's always standing behind me to be strong, and do the right thing is the honour and love of my father. I try never to fail you. Even when I did, you were behind me.


To all the fathers on this special day. But always in our hearts.

On windy days I often think back to an event that took place long, long ago when I was but a boy and health and safety was still in short trousers. The drama that I am about to unfold for you took place on the 85th birthday of my best friend’s grandfather.

Alan’s granddad was a small, slightly built man but surprisingly sprightly for his age. In those days 85 was an good age to have reached and the family had decided that the occasion should be marked with more than the usual victoria sponge and yet more pairs of socks and pants. They could have organised some sort of surprise for him but it no doubt seemed easier just to ask him what he would most like to do on his special day. I think they expected him to take time to think about his birthday treat but when he came back with an instant reply they were both surprised and regretful that they didn’t take the trouble to organise a surprise, after all. In a manner that sounded almost rehearsed the old man stated that the only thing he wanted -and his tone of voice strongly implying the only thing he would settle for- was to perform a parachute jump. Anyway, to cut a long story short, and spare me the the trouble of making one up, the family accepted the inevitable and Alan’s dad organised the parachute jump.

Before Alan’s granddad was allowed to make the jump it was necessary for him to attend a training session; which he got through with no problem, apparently. The instructor did have one or two safety concerns, but, after the old man’s agreeing to remove his false teeth beforehand, he seemed to be satisfied that it was safe to go ahead.

The event was to take place on a Wednesday morning. Luckily, it was the school holidays and Alan invited me along to watch the spectacle. So there we all were, about a dozen of us standing in a field looking towards the skies. At first there was just a faint, distant drone, but then appeared a spec in the sky which very shortly became identifiable as a small aircraft. Up till then it had been a fine early June morning, barely a cloud in the sky and very still. Just before the aeroplane was over the field, though, a breeze seemed to come out of nowhere.

The plan was for Alan’s granddad to jump first, followed very soon after by the instructor. It was only when the chutes opened that the flaw in the plan became apparent. The first thing we noticed was that the instructor was descending noticeably quicker than the granddad. The second thing we noticed was that the granddad’s progress seemed to be more horizontal than vertical. As I mentioned earlier, Alan’s granddad was not a very substantial man, and it now became obvious that the degree of his insubstantiality had not been adequately taken into account.


As I watched I was reminded of a dandelion seed floating on the wind, after being blown free from the fluffy pom-pom of the flower head. Alan’s dad got in his car and tried to follow but the roads, of course, didn’t always run in the direction he wanted to go, so a certain amount of predicting the final destination was called for. He was never going to get it right, no one could have.

The granddad of Alan’s adventure came to a undignified end when he clattered into the dustbins behind the chiropodist’s on the High Street. Now this was an amazing coincidence because he had an appointment at that very chiropodist’s that very afternoon. The commotion brought the staff running out to see what had happened almost immediately. After a short period of questions and explanations, granddad was whisked inside and given a mug of very sweet tea; which was the remedy for most things in those days. The staff couldn’t have been better, they brought forward his appointment and treated his corns there and then.

This is a true story and everything happened exactly as I have described.

Remember that I inherited a dog named Lucy when my friend passed. Bella nor I saw that coming. Getting a spoiled dog with no instructions has been a small challenge on both ends of the leash.

Lucy had to give up canned dog food because that stuff scares me. Bella ate so little but Lucy is five times her size so I've had to figure out how much she eats and buy larger amounts of organ meats to mix with veggies, fruits and quinoa or brown rice. At first Lucy resisted but gobbles up her food now.

The only thing is her name. She doesn't come when I just call "Lucy", she doesn't come until I call her a third time then she bolts to me. So she doesn't know her name is Lucy.....she thinks it is Lucy, Lucy, Lucy.

She cracks me up. Sometimes she will sit and stare at me while making a small growl in her throat. I'm still trying to figure out what she is telling me. If she needs to go outside she makes that sound then goes sits at the door staring at it, then I know it is time for a walk. She is training me.

I've been away from blogging for quite some time due to just having too many other things taking up my attention and time.

Deciding to deactivate my facebook account so I can spend more time getting stuff done that I've procrastinated on is a good thing. But, here I am. Hmmm...

Lots of things happening these days with a request for three calendars this year, plus the book that the First Nations publishing house wants to publish, before Christmas. I'd best get going on it.

The reason I find myself back here is to vent a little bit. Those that know me know that my relationship with my daughter hasn't been the best. Not that I haven't tried to have one with her, just that her abusive b/f is bound and determined to keep her away from me. He's succeeded, too, embellishing stories and assumptions, which she seems all too willing to accept.

I did hear from her near her birthday. She wanted me to go to a local tack store to find out how much a certain girth was for my horse, which she has and is riding. I thought, why don't you just phone? But I know the request was her way of trying to get me to buy the girth and send it to her. Well, I've bought enough tack and equestrian stuff for her over the years, I wasn't prepared to buy anymore. Anyway, I did check, and there wasn't the girth she wanted, so I told her that, and sent her some money for her birthday.

I heard from her on Mother's Day, and received some house plants in a basket. They were lovely and I thanked her, but I want house plants like I want to have to pick up after someone else. I'm terrible with houseplants, and would have preferred just cut flowers. I didn't tell her that, just thanked her for the lovely arrangement.

That's the last I've heard from her. I don't phone her due to her scheduling. She usually phones me when she's on the road, and doesn't tell me her b/f is with her and listening. As a result, nothing much ever gets said. She never asks me what or how I'm doing, and if I tell her of a health concern, she'll tell me something about her b/f - like 'big deal, who cares, Mom?'

At the end of May, her Dad moved in with her. Well, that's been a dream of hers since he left, I'm sure. Her idol daddy who has never done anything wrong finally living with her. I'm sure between her Dad and her b/f, the nasty stories about me are abundant. What's so stupid is I haven't been with her dad for over 30 years, I'm not the same person I was back then, and what the heck does it matter anymore? But I still get the 'my dad said this about you', 'my dad said you did that', and I think 'so what?' Does he tell you what HE did to elicit that? Does he tell you he's a lying, abusive guy that puts on a nice guy facade to everyone else? Of course not!

So I haven't heard a peep from her. Not one word. Then I see on facebook, that she's posted a photo of two trophies she's won through her work. The won the National Championship for the commercial vehicle safety enforcement competition, and the Driver Interview. She's the first woman to win the championship and will be going to Pittsburgh to compete internationally.

Did I get a phone call saying 'hey, guess what Mom? I won!' Nope, not a freaking word. I had to read about it on facebook. So I didn't even acknowledge the post. I didn't congratulate her or anything. She can't be bothered to tell me, I can't be bothered if she's going to treat me like I'm one of her faceless facebook friends.

A week later, and still nothing. And now, there won't be. What's she going to say? Oh hey, I won the championship. Oh great, nice to be an afterthought. The person who drove her all over hell's creation when she was younger, with her horses, and gave up everything so she could attain her dreams, and what do I get 'my dad paid for everything'. Which he did not. It galls me no end, when that is STILL thrown in my face, and it's so patently untrue. (cont in comments).