loneliness

after being alone for almost 6 years and waging many battles with the loneliness demon i thought i'd finally come to terms with it . . i thought i'd wrestled with it, talked with it, argued with it, and laughed with it enough times that i'd finally beaten it . . one thing i've certainly done is come to know it very well.
but it turns out it was just taking a break . . and its back. its not as scary as it used to be . . i dont feel like i need to run away from it . . its more like someone that i just dont want to be around . . an unwelcome relative that makes me feel uncomfortable . . and one that i used to be very ashamed of.
for so long i was ashamed of my loneliness . . god forbid anyone ever found out i was lonely . . . so i didnt tell anyone about it. for years i kept my sad secret. the interesting thing is that when i finally began owning up about it the loneliness began to loosen its grip. maybe it had already began to do that which enabled me to tell people . . but whatever it was the more people i told the better i began to feel and suddenly it wasnt there any longer.
and so for the past little while i've been telling people that i've beaten it . . that i was finally totally happy being alone . . and for a while there i was . . but whaddayakno . . look whos back.
so i'm not going to keep it to myself this time . . i'm not going to be ashamed this time . . i'm going to tell people . . i'm feeling lonely . . I'M FEELING LONELY!! that was me yelling it out . .
and you know what i actually feel a little better already.