Relationship patterns ( Archived) (58)

Sep 16, 2010 7:26 AM CST Relationship patterns
mmichaelm
mmichaelmmmichaelmPort Charlotte, Florida USA6 Threads 1 Polls 374 Posts
"Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result." - Bob Grant, LPC

Have you ever found this to be true in your life? If so, why do you think it works out that way despite wanting it to be different "next time"?
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Sep 16, 2010 7:28 AM CST Relationship patterns
mmichaelm: "Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result." - Bob Grant, LPC

Have you ever found this to be true in your life? If so, why do you think it works out that way despite wanting it to be different "next time"?
It's not Knowledge until you accept it!grin
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Sep 16, 2010 7:30 AM CST Relationship patterns
plainlyjune
plainlyjuneplainlyjuneLegazpi City, Bicol Philippines17 Threads 2 Polls 11,809 Posts
maybe we changed but still want the same things. confused
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Sep 16, 2010 7:33 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
mmichaelm: "Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result." - Bob Grant, LPC

Have you ever found this to be true in your life? If so, why do you think it works out that way despite wanting it to be different "next time"?


Hi mmwave

Tis a 'learned behaviour' trait... and unfortunately most people cannot see that they replace what they really have found that does not work for them... with something similar but in a different guise...

Education is the key...peace
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Sep 16, 2010 7:38 AM CST Relationship patterns
Godsgift
GodsgiftGodsgiftEnnis, Clare Ireland326 Threads 16 Polls 15,017 Posts
Conrad73: It's not Knowledge until you accept it!


Oh it's knowledge alright but once you accept it, then it becomes wisdom.

BUT...the insanity definition only holds true if all variables are at your control and I would argue that where the definition may hold true for addiction or one's own behaviour, it cannot possibly predict the behaviour or motives of another human being.

We don't go off to a club and say...Oh she looks co dependant, I think I'll imprison her with my fear and insecurity or oh, he'll beat me senseless and deepen my victim mentality!dunno
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Sep 16, 2010 7:43 AM CST Relationship patterns
mmichaelm
mmichaelmmmichaelmPort Charlotte, Florida USA6 Threads 1 Polls 374 Posts
Godsgift:

We don't go off to a club and say...Oh she looks co dependant, I think I'll imprison her with my fear and insecurity or oh, he'll beat me senseless and deepen my victim mentality!


True..but do you think its possible to subconsciously attract or gravitate to those kind of people based upon one's inner belief system? Their beliefs about themselves and the world?
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Sep 16, 2010 7:45 AM CST Relationship patterns
plainlyjune
plainlyjuneplainlyjuneLegazpi City, Bicol Philippines17 Threads 2 Polls 11,809 Posts
the person himself has to progress or grow.
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Sep 16, 2010 7:45 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
Godsgift: Oh it's knowledge alright but once you accept it, then it becomes wisdom.

BUT...the insanity definition only holds true if all variables are at your control and I would argue that where the definition may hold true for addiction or one's own behaviour, it cannot possibly predict the behaviour or motives of another human being.

We don't go off to a club and say...Oh she looks co dependant, I think I'll imprison her with my fear and insecurity or oh, he'll beat me senseless and deepen my victim mentality!



Hi Kwave wave

No we dont verbally go to a club and say... Oh she looks co-dependent and I'll imprison her with my fear and insecurity etc.. but Generally, I think people do look for what is familiar and people seem to sense what is familiar ... therefore the pattern repeats itself.

And with lower socio eco groups.. and low standard of education.. well of course they are going to attract like minded... and there in lies part of the repeat problem...


Evening hun... nice to see ya. wave
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Sep 16, 2010 7:46 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
mmichaelm: True..but do you think its possible to subconsciously attract or gravitate to those kind of people based upon one's inner belief system? Their beliefs about themselves and the world?


Of course...
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Sep 16, 2010 7:49 AM CST Relationship patterns
lucynad
lucynadlucynadSunny city, Sicilia Italy7 Threads 3,109 Posts
well...in my case
i have tried to date a different type of person in order to obtain a different result, but...

it turned out that a different type of person is not attracted enough to me to arrive at any result...lol

so...it is not me, it is them...laugh
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Sep 16, 2010 7:53 AM CST Relationship patterns
mmichaelm
mmichaelmmmichaelmPort Charlotte, Florida USA6 Threads 1 Polls 374 Posts
Merriweather: Hi K

No we dont verbally go to a club and say... Oh she looks co-dependent and I'll imprison her with my fear and insecurity etc.. but Generally, I think people do look for what is familiar and people seem to sense what is familiar ... therefore the pattern repeats itself.

And with lower socio eco groups.. and low standard of education.. well of course they are going to attract like minded... and there in lies part of the repeat problem...Evening hun... nice to see ya.


Hi Merriweather wave


Generally I would agree with that. However, there have been case-after-case situations where that did not hold true. I have seen in many times with all kinds of people. Their education/background seem to contradict what they were actually living.
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Sep 16, 2010 7:53 AM CST Relationship patterns
Godsgift
GodsgiftGodsgiftEnnis, Clare Ireland326 Threads 16 Polls 15,017 Posts
mmichaelm: True..but do you think its possible to subconsciously attract or gravitate to those kind of people based upon one's inner belief system? Their beliefs about themselves and the world?


Oh I understand where you're coming from that dysfunctional people's shortcomings meet at a subconscious level and bond them in a very unhealthy and destructive way but there's a danger that you would lock yourself away and never have another relationship. Unless you have the tools to be introspective and self honest, it's damned near impossible. Having a relationship with yourself is the key.

Remember, 85% of all relationships are dysfunctional. Our model for relationships is dysfunctional and so we all aspire to be dysfunctional. It's what we are familiar with in our upbringing and we are attracted to what is familiar. We are comfortable with it!

Every generation, blames the one before
When all of their frustrations, come beating on their door...

Like I said...ignorance is bliss!
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Sep 16, 2010 7:54 AM CST Relationship patterns
mmichaelm
mmichaelmmmichaelmPort Charlotte, Florida USA6 Threads 1 Polls 374 Posts
lucynad: well...in my case
i have tried to date a different type of person in order to obtain a different result, but...

it turned out that a different type of person is not attracted enough to me to arrive at any result...lol

so...it is not me, it is them...


But of course..who else could it be? laugh
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Sep 16, 2010 7:55 AM CST Relationship patterns
Shell225
Shell225Shell225Brisbane, Queensland Australia31 Threads 12,761 Posts
It takes a great deal of personal strength to identify poor attraction patterns and then challenge and change them.

I recently read an article on co dependency, the author stated that if you have co dependent tendancies, should you ever meet someone and think to yourself.. 'OH my GAWD this is my SOULMATE, we are so connected' ... you should RUN .. RUN away as fast as you can.

dunno
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Sep 16, 2010 7:57 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
Godsgift: Oh I understand where you're coming from that dysfunctional people's shortcomings meet at a subconscious level and bond them in a very unhealthy and destructive way but there's a danger that you would lock yourself away and never have another relationship. Unless you have the tools to be introspective and self honest, it's damned near impossible. Having a relationship with yourself is the key.
Remember, 85% of all relationships are dysfunctional. Our model for relationships is dysfunctional and so we all aspire to be dysfunctional. It's what we are familiar with in our upbringing and we are attracted to what is familiar. We are comfortable with it!

Every generation, blames the one before
When all of their frustrations, come beating on their door...

Like I said...ignorance is bliss!


There are self help tools a plenty... and courses... and counselling... but generally until a crisis comes along..most people think they can manage it alone... and some can and do it successfully, but not too many I think.?
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Sep 16, 2010 8:01 AM CST Relationship patterns
Godsgift
GodsgiftGodsgiftEnnis, Clare Ireland326 Threads 16 Polls 15,017 Posts
Merriweather: There are self help tools a plenty... and courses... and counselling... but generally until a crisis comes along..most people think they can manage it alone... and some can and do it successfully, but not too many I think.?


But there are plenty dysfunctional relationships which ok, you and I wouldn't want, but the folk in them are quite happy to blunder along and who's to say they're any worse off than we are!

Hi M! Good evening Australia!wave
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Sep 16, 2010 8:02 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
Shell225: It takes a great deal of personal strength to identify poor attraction patterns and then challenge and change them.

I recently read an article on co dependency, the author stated that if you have co dependent tendancies, should you ever meet someone and think to yourself.. 'OH my GAWD this is my SOULMATE, we are so connected' ... you should RUN .. RUN away as fast as you can.



Hi Shellgirl...wave


Living in a co-dependent relationship is not necessarily being co-dependent... but finding a like minded soul mate .. I guess spells a recipe for mental and physical co-dependency... I reckon it would end up as one boring relationship...

What was the authors verdict.. beside RUN... ???
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Sep 16, 2010 8:05 AM CST Relationship patterns
Godsgift
GodsgiftGodsgiftEnnis, Clare Ireland326 Threads 16 Polls 15,017 Posts
Merriweather: Hi Shellgirl... Living in a co-dependent relationship is not necessarily being co-dependent... but finding a like minded soul mate .. I guess spells a recipe for mental and physical co-dependency... I reckon it would end up as one boring relationship...

What was the authors verdict.. beside RUN... ???


In my dysfunctional relationships, I have been accused of many things but never of being boring! I think,'Emotional Rollercoaster" was the term used amongst others not to be repeated in polite company!blushing
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Sep 16, 2010 8:07 AM CST Relationship patterns
Merriweather
MerriweatherMerriweatherAdelaide, South Australia Australia62 Threads 15,338 Posts
Godsgift: But there are plenty dysfunctional relationships which ok, you and I wouldn't want, but the folk in them are quite happy to blunder along and who's to say they're any worse off than we are!

Hi M! Good evening Australia!


G'day to you up there...

I dont know about the 'quite happy' part... I think more that they keep stuff to themselves... and are resigned to the life they know and are comfortable in.. and justify themselves by being like one of their previous generations models.

I guess that if you saw on a daily basis what I see... I reckon we could talk about it til the cows come home..

wave cheers
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Sep 16, 2010 8:09 AM CST Relationship patterns
Shell225
Shell225Shell225Brisbane, Queensland Australia31 Threads 12,761 Posts
Merriweather: Hi Shellgirl... Living in a co-dependent relationship is not necessarily being co-dependent... but finding a like minded soul mate .. I guess spells a recipe for mental and physical co-dependency... I reckon it would end up as one boring relationship...

What was the authors verdict.. beside RUN... ???


Basically the authors view is that co dependency is similar to an addiction, and that one has to challenge the behaviour (cognitive behaviour therapy style & AA style) - the attraction. So - for example - the attraction to an abusive relationship, is in part the result of childhood, and the feeling that the person gets when they are flooded with adrenlin - the abusive moment.

I think too that the 'red flags' dont go off - hence the individual who blames themselves for the abuse. Then after ending that relationship, finds themselves in another abusive relationship.

does that makes sense M?

hug
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