NOT a Deadbead Dad..... ( Archived) (14)

This is a very difficult one for me...I've been faced with this for some time now...and still I have no answer...

My "ex" has offered to give me everything if I will let him have primary custody of the girls...(13 and 10)

I will be the first to admit that he has always been an excellent father, I could not have chosen better for my children...His whole world revolves around those children...as a matter of fact...I believe that is where the breakdown of our marriage started...he just wanted to be a "daddy"...not a "husband" anymore...there was never any time for "me" after I had the kids...
He was raised by just his father alone, and he is an only child, so when he does everything for the kids, its because its what he knows, what he saw his father do for him...so i don't think it was intentional that he somehow "squeezed" me out of that "family circle"

However, one of the reasons he can do all the things he does with the children is because i'm in the "background" taking care of all the other details so that there is money, time, arrangements made, so that he can do all that...
I love my children too...I may have made alot of mistakes in my past, but those two girls are the best thing i've ever done with my life...and i know they love me too...

Anyone have any "words of wisdom" for me???

What are the visitation arrangements? Offered to "give you everything?" What does that entail? Is he offering to "give you everything" in "exchange" for the children you gave birth to? That, of course, shouldn't even be a consideration.

If you think that he would do better as the primary custodial parent, then let him raise them; however, I'd have it clearly stipulated in legal documents what the visitation arrangements will be.

Also, discuss at great length with your girls what THEY want; this is a difficult time for pre-teen and teenaged girls and most men don't have the first clue how to deal with them. Girls that age need their mother. I'd be worried that my daughters would resent me if I gave them up, but one's personal situations can vary greatly from another's.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

sounds like he's trying to buy them from you ..


i know i'm sure that he doesnt see it that way but it sounds like it.. giving you everything if you give him primary custody.. really its up to you .. however.. i would ask the kids what they think.. its more or less their life and change for them that your speaking of..

what do they want to do .. what do you want to do.. you already know what he' wants.. now its up to you to choose but make sure to include the children involved in the decision.. talk to them about it and see how they feel.. they might not like the idea that your getting all this stuff so their dad can have the primary custody.. they might also feel as though they are being sold.. i know how much you love ur kids..


take some time and think about it and talk to them about it.. its a very difficult choice to make.. but i know you will never do anything that isnt in the best intrest of ur kids

What you have pointed out Sheila are all the things that are going through my mind as I struggle with the decision...

What he meant by he would give me "everything" is that he would not fight me on any stipulations/needs/wants of the divorce terms...
He has no problem with giving me whatever "visitation" rights I want with regards to the girls...

The fact that they are "girls" and need a mother present in their day to day life is also first and foremost in my mind...he never had sisters...doesn't understand the emotional upheaval that girls go through...

Like i said, he is a wonderful father..and financially they would never want for anything...ever...but i don't know that i can give up children that are essentially a "part" of me...

Would he be the "better" parent...I don't know...I believed that "together" we made the "perfect parent" (well as perfect as a parent can be...lol)...but i would be lying if I said the children would suffer under his care....

Good mornin Darlin,
What a struggle this is for you...I can't even imagine...Raising both of my sons alone...from the time my second was 5 days old...didn't have the option, you have...
But I think that Sheila was correct in saying the girls feelings should be held utmost in your decision...
I myself coming from divorced parents and not seeing my father much growing up, although it's different in your case..know how important it is for a father to be involved in a childs life.
Do you live far apart? Is joint custody an option? Is it all or nothing? As I feel both parents should be equally involved if all possible...
My thoughts are with you...and know the intelligent woman that you are, will make the correct decision for all involved. Either way it will be hard....

this is all this CS poster in the way of "words of wisdom"to offer.


Knowledge has three degrees—opinion, science, illumination. The means or instrument of the first is sense; of the second, dialectic; of the third, intuition.
PLOTINUS

I believe you have the ability, courage and determination and resolve to come to a decision that will be sound,fair and beneficial for the children... damn shame these decisions are never easy.

As someone that knows you both on a personal and intimate basis, I know of which you speak. He is a wonderful father and the girls would never want for anything. Since you have made this rather public I must say...you are wonderful too....but...you arent real child oriented. not meaning that as an insult in any way, just meaning in the sense of the outtings and so forth. sports, camping, STUFF...you know of what im talking about. on the other hand, they do need the mother influence...boys, dating, make-up, hair :) and they could get that still with the time they could spend with you. you live and want a full life with enough freedom to persue your dreams...he doesnt seem to really want that, just talk about it...IMO i think them being with him and visiting with you would be perfect,...for all of you. he would get to be super dad and you would still be able to seek which your heart is longing for and still be Mommy and the girls would have the best of the both of you.

not about the past or the mistakes of the past hon...whats best for ALL?

He will just have to learn to make those arrangements. the docs, the schools...etc...if he cant, then??? And besides, I know you two, you will still need to help each other out. YOU wont have as much time for all that either. you will have your own life, work, home...

I feel for you doll, I know its tough...just keep the girls in mind and what is best for THEM...whats best for you and your "ex" isnt whats important in this choice.

This is a difficult situation. One that will take communication and understanding.

You both have the childrens best interests at heart.

I would suggest that both of you continue doing so by all four of you getting together and discussing this openly. Let the kids see that mommy and daddy only want what is best for them. Show Daddy how much the kids are learning Mommy, show Mommy how much the kids are learning Daddy.

Whether mommy and daddy want or don't want to be husband and wife is irrelevant. It's about the children.

It does sound like Daddy is keeping the cycle of father being both parents alive and I'm not sure what to think about that.

I think it's great that he does all that he can for the girls- it's important to know you have the love of your daddy. Everyone here has made good points- you're an incredibly insightful person, I think in your heart you know what you're going to do...I'd be sure to have the talk with the girls, let them decide maybe- tell them that no matter where they live they'll always have mom & dad on their side...
custody issues are never easy.