What is the right formula! ( Archived) (57)

I'm not accusing you of making assumptions. I'm saying people in general tend to prefer speaking in vague generalities, assuming they already know the answer so don't seek clarification. Let me give an example. Which of the following would you prefer hearing? "I love you," or "I love the smile you give me when I'm feeling down. It adds brightness and color to my life, convincing me someone special truly cares about me." We're so used to taking shortcuts, that we've lost sight of depth in relationships. I agree with what you say, though familiar patterns aren't always functional, and other alternatives are available. These alternatives can make our lives easier and more meaningful, whereas keeping communication short and sweet sets people up to fill in whatever might be missing, which may not be an accurate analysis of the original intent.

It is true we can't please everyone, but wouldn't we want to please those who are important to us?

I understand how one person's caring can be perceived of by others as saying they are too stupid to know what to do themselves. Merely share what you'd like to do and your reason and then ask the other person if this is something that would be appreciated or seen as negative. When we choose to put something on others, hopefully we take their thoughts and feelings into consideration. Just because something makes sense to one doesn't mean it will make sense to all. It would be like me telling you "after many years of experience, I've come to the conclusion it is easier and more convenient to pee standing up... so you should do it too." If you want to show caring, ask what behaviors the other sees as showing caring. Just because you might feel you are adding something significant to your relationship by cleaning your home all the time, that doesn't mean your partner wouldn't prefer quality time with you over a clean house. It is also important to understand the difference between caring and worrying. When we care, we focus on things within our control and are able to measure progress. When we worry, we focus on things out of our control, staying on an indefinite treadmill and draining the energy from everyone around us.

There is no universal good, bad, right or wrong. If we choose to interact with others, hopefully we'll reach out to understand their perspective rather than assume we already know all we need to know.

Once a person has explained his/her perspective, it isn't necessary to keep asking the same question. Hopefully, we choose to be both student and teacher... eager to learn all we can from the other and eager to make sure whatever we say or do is clear, without expecting the other to read our mind. Sometimes people ask when they aren't hearing what they want to hear. (after saying I'd like to see a movie, the other person asks, "are you sure?")

To have this type of communication, both people must feel safe. Women often feel entitled to vent, whereas it can be frustrating for a guy to hear the same thing over and over yet see neither progress nor openness to a different approach. Women are more likely to freely share their feelings than men. Men look at it as 'anything they say can and will be used against them.' Men have been criticized to the extent they choose to just not rock the boat. They tend to hold in that which they fear will trigger a negative result (unless their goal is to attack the other person).

When I say men or women, I'm not saying all men or all women. Though these may be common patterns, it makes no sense to place a label on a person if that label doesn't fit.

.....B/S......

dev/slice......is,nt an idiot.....just strange.....