Help, I need some good jokes (20)
dancingfarmerColumbia, Connecticut USA41 Threads 752 PostsLast night I had the priviledge of dancing at the Extreme Music Bash to raise money for Extreme Makeover-Home Edition who is building a home for a very needy family here in CT. I managed to enter a game and won the right to co-host the local radio station morning show. I need some good joke material (nothing naughty). Does anyone have any good jokes I can use? 
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I don't know much about building houses, but I looked in a box of nails and found out that they make nails for each side of the house. You can tell which is which by which end the head is on. I think they shorted themselves on nails for the front and back of the house though.
grandpa liked that old joke!
grandpa liked that old joke!
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A man went to the lumber yard. He asked for a 2x4. The sales person asked,"How long do you want it. He replied,"Oh! for a long time,cause I'm going to nail it to my house."
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After a man built his house, he put fertilizer under the windows. He said that the ground was so poor that he did it so he could raise the windows.
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Two parrots were sat on a perch.
One says to the other.
Can you smell fish???
Yes, I know I posted that yesterday...but its funny
One says to the other.
Can you smell fish???
Yes, I know I posted that yesterday...but its funny
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A country boy was given a circular saw to use. He was cutting lots of boards until later in the day. He was getting slow and falling behind. The boss came over and checked his saw. The saw went brrrrrrrrrrr and seemed fine. The country boy asked,"Why did that thang make a noise."
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Two guys putting in electricity. One said, "Grab that white wire." You ok!" The other one said."YUP!" The first one said,"Well don't touch the black one ...it will kill ya!"
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Keeping with the fish theme
There were two fish in a tank.
One says to the other.
How do we drive this thing!!!
There were two fish in a tank.
One says to the other.
How do we drive this thing!!!
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dancingfarmer: Last night I had the priviledge of dancing at the Extreme Music Bash to raise money for Extreme Makeover-Home Edition who is building a home for a very needy family here in CT. I managed to enter a game and won the right to co-host the local radio station morning show. I need some good joke material (nothing naughty). Does anyone have any good jokes I can use?
I'm trying to figure out which bit in your post you were laughing at
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A new guy got his arm cut off. They took him and his arm in a trash bag to the doctor. In about ten minutes,he was back to work.
He then cut his leg off. They took him and his leg in a trash bag to the doctor and in fifteen minutes he was back to work.
Then the darn fool cut his head off. They put his head in a trash bag and went to the doctor.
But, when the doctor came out....he said,"Your friend is dead. Some fool put his head in a trash bag and he suffocated on the way to the hosipital."
He then cut his leg off. They took him and his leg in a trash bag to the doctor and in fifteen minutes he was back to work.
Then the darn fool cut his head off. They put his head in a trash bag and went to the doctor.
But, when the doctor came out....he said,"Your friend is dead. Some fool put his head in a trash bag and he suffocated on the way to the hosipital."
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A old drunk falls 2 stories down a abandoned but open, elevator shaft. He comes to,stands up, brushes himself off and say's, 'Young man, I said up."
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Did you hear about the duck who went to the drugstore and asked the pharmacist to give him a chapstick and put it on his bill?
Did you hear about the cat who ate cheese and sat by the mousehole with baited breath?
What did they give the person who invented the door knocker?
The no-bell prize.
Little Junior was practicing his violin in the living room while his father was trying to read his newspaper in the den. The family dog was lying in front of the father, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the pup's ears, he began to howl dismally. The father endured the violin and the dog as long as he could. Finally, he jumped up and slammed his paper down and yelled above the ruckus; " For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Well, maybe lame, but they're tame. Good luck with your show!
Did you hear about the cat who ate cheese and sat by the mousehole with baited breath?
What did they give the person who invented the door knocker?
The no-bell prize.
Little Junior was practicing his violin in the living room while his father was trying to read his newspaper in the den. The family dog was lying in front of the father, and as the screeching sounds of the violin reached the pup's ears, he began to howl dismally. The father endured the violin and the dog as long as he could. Finally, he jumped up and slammed his paper down and yelled above the ruckus; " For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Well, maybe lame, but they're tame. Good luck with your show!
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A man cuts off a finger with the table saw. The boss asked how it happened? The man said, All I did was.....brrrrrrrrr!!!! Damn! there goes another one!"
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Did you hear about the excited Mountie who jumped off his whistle and blew his horse ?
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The boss got hurt today! He was having a fight with his wife on the site. He was holding a board and a nail. He told his wife! "Damn it! When I nod my head you hit it with the hammer!"
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Just noticed, your from Connecticut.
Think you might need some funnier jokes than these!!!
Think you might need some funnier jokes than these!!!
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What do you get when you drop a grand piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor
A flat minor
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Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Men's rebuttal, Yeah, and do you know what they said when they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"
Good luck with your project..
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.
Men's rebuttal, Yeah, and do you know what they said when they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"
Good luck with your project..
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Theres a thread 29 lines up cute saying in there... check it out! Cat
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Indyfella: That was bad......
The original version was much worse.
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Created: Dec 2008
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