Jokes and humor ( Archived) (25)

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: 'Bernie is dead.'"

The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words."

The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

good one!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.

'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


Katie!!

again


hey paul!!! fancy seeing you here

Explanation of Microsoft computer messages:

It says: "Press Any Key"
It means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving."

It says: "Press A Key"
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the "A" key.)

It says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E"
It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem."

It says: "Installing program to C:\...."
It means: "... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them."

It says: "Please insert disk 11"
It means: "Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks."

It says: "Not enough memory"
It means: "I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K."

It says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."
It means: "... However, if you put the CD in correct side up..."

It says: "Please Wait...."
It means: "... Indefinitely."

It says: "Directory does not exist...."
It means: ".... any more. Whoops."

It says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close."
It means: ".... Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work back."

Happy New Year Katie. We have'nt chatted for a long while, I hope all is well with you and yours.

There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across country to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.

Farmer #1 to Farmer #2, "I'd like to buy a rooster."

Farmer #2, "No problem. What's he for?"

Farmer #1 "I want a rooster so that my chickens can have more chickens and lay more eggs."

Farmer #2 points to a rooster, "ok, take Brewster over there...he'll do all your chickens for you." The rooster he was pointing out was lying on his back and breathing heavily.

Farmer #1 says, "What? you've got to be kidding. That rooster is practically dead! He's breathing like there's no tomorro."

Farmer #2 "Don't worry, he'll do fine. I guarantee he'll do all your chickens and you'll end up with more eggs than you can ever imagine."

Well, Farmer #1 thinks about it, and finally agrees, "Okay. A guarantee is a guarantt. Sold." He scoops up Brewster and lays him in the back of the truck.

As soon as the farmer pulls into his yard, Brewster leaps out of the truck and grabs a chicken. After he's done with one, he does another, and another...

The farmer says, "Take it easy Brewster! You'll hurt yourself!"

Brewster just waves and grabs another chicken, and nails that one too. He proceeds to do all the chickens just as farmer 32 had promised. When he finishes with the chickens, he runs after the dog and does him too.

The farmer is getting a little worried.

Brewster then does the cat, the horse and all the other farm animals too. He then starts chasing the farmers wife.

Some time passes and the farmer can't find Brewster anywhere. He eventually finds the poor rooster lying on his back motionless, with a flock of vultures circling overjead.

The farmer cries out, "Oh no, I told him to be careful! Now look whats happened."

Brewster opens one eye and whispers, "Shhh! They're about to land."

nice one!!

Thanx p-seg...where's all the joke lovers?