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Waking up on Ted …

A satire with true overtures…

Phyllis, ah, Phyllis, what would I do without her? Every morning she wakes me up at precisely the right time I asked her to the night before…,
More faithful a gal, a guy could not hope for…

Slowly, reluctantly, I wake up on Ted, he’s a tough guy, he takes a lot from me, let me tell you, especially when I made like an aardvark on some lady on top of him the nite before,
Ted, of course, is my bed…, really, my bed…, 4 legs, mattress, you’re familiar with the contraption, right?

Sleepily, I make my way to Jason, scan for emails, flowers from connecting singles, etc.,
You guessed it, Jason is my trusty old computer…

Then I visit Charlie, relishingly empty my bladder on him and thank him for his grace and acceptance…, what a guy, who else would put up with such an indignity…

Now, its time for my habit with Josephine, she’s the custodian who lovingly holds all my botanicals for me,
Slowly, methodically, and with practiced scientific care, I swallow my greens, my European systemic enzymes, my Asiatic systemic enzymes, my MSM, my vitamins, minerals, my omega’s, my probiotics, etc, while Josephine patiently watches me, sometimes I catch her amused twinkle in her eyes…,
Then I pack everything back into her and place her in a dark place out of the sun, so that he cant hurt the sensitive botanicals…

Then, its off to Carlos…,
Carlos and I have not seen eye-to-eye yet,
He’s normally cold, business-like and totally unaffectionate, and hates the mess I make in him…,
[neurotic bastard…]
What with teeth-brushing with Zelda, my electric toothbrush, shaving, and then doing battle with Telly, he’s the wretched shower, I swear I know he has a pact with the devil to either freeze me or scald me,
Never a happy medium…,
One day, one day…,
g-d, I’m always glad to get the hell outa there…

As I leave for my office, I greet everyone, starting with Rhonda, the apartment, Nestor, my TV chair,
Nestor is particularly sensitive, if I forget to wish him a good day, he makes me pay later, by not quite allowing me to settle down very nice and comfy in his many convoluted contours,
Out of frustration and curiosity, I asked him once why he’s so ornery, he said, look, you sit on me, fart on me, for half the night, bellow-laugh undignifyingly at the inane comedy ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, least you can do is thank me for my troubles, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you know, the guy before you used to get drunk and vomit on me…,
Wow…, now, I understand the reason for his sensitive nature and sometimes I even kiss him good bye, you should see how he glows after that…
Katerina, my VCR, and Rob-Roy, my TV are a lot more steady characters, they understand me, I think…, but I caress them goodbye as well, just in case….

Lastly, I greet very affectionately, my Zoe, I love her the most, she gives me a smooth ride and asks for very little, just some gasoline once in a while…
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Posted: Aug 2010

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Comments (12)

Ladyjj
brilliant Earlgreytea..thumbs up

I'm just tickling the keys on Gertie at the moment, then must get Charlie out, so he can exercise his chest..alot of dust (Vacuum)..lol wine

very cleaver. I dont have a Zoe.. just Chaz & Dave (my feet) rolling on the floor laughing

Ljj dancing
Earlgreytea
Glad you enjoyed, and thanks for encouraging comments ladyJJ...
hedistuff
Good night nurse!...aardvark, earl grey? in the words of goodguy, might I add...methinks there may be more here than meats the tongue....
Earlgreytea
Delighted the aardvark got a laugh out of you Hedi, hope you doin allright, my friend, you certainly havent lost your sense of humour...
Barrellofart
I very much enjoy the seemingly emotional engagement you have with the second half of your, well, 'friends'. beer
Gashly
oh wow...i have enough trouble keeping track of 2 cats, let alone naming all the furniture! laugh it's a fantastic piece...and my Zoe is named Jin-ho, for she is korean, and it's just fun to yell while you're driving. cheers
gnj4u
Hi, Earlgreytea,
No mere aardvark he, for the lady remains nameless, but a gentleman to the end. My nameless possessions are going to get a complex after hearing about this!
Ladybee42
I just love this.. though i'm with gashly - my cat and my car are enough names for the moment! my cat:Pepper, my car:crazybettyblue!

thumbs up thumbs up bouquet bouquet
Earlgreytea
"emotional engagement you have with the second half of your, well, 'friends'"

Thanks BOA, what's life all about without some emotional engagement with friends, huh?
Earlgreytea
I love your spirit Gashley, thanks for your lovely comment...
agoodguy2have
Earl: how many 'friends' does it say you are allowed to have on your lease? Don't the neighbors bang on the pipes or sumthin' with all the partying that's going on at your place? ;-0
Earlgreytea
"Earl: how many 'friends' does it say you are allowed to have on your lease? Don't the neighbors bang on the pipes or sumthin' with all the partying that's going on at your place? ;-0 "

Hey Goodguy, what's a few extra friends between friends, eh? Leases? blah..., lol, thanks my friend..., which makes me think, i have not yet baptized CS site, any ideas? At any rate thanks CS site for providing such fun and friendship for us...

P.S., give me a discreet shout CS site if you want to get some stuff off your chest, scammers you're probably very tired off, anything, i will listen, ok, love you girl, she must be a girl, right? for me anyway...
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