A satire with true overtures…

Phyllis, ah, Phyllis, what would I do without her? Every morning she wakes me up at precisely the right time I asked her to the night before…,
More faithful a gal, a guy could not hope for…

Slowly, reluctantly, I wake up on Ted, he’s a tough guy, he takes a lot from me, let me tell you, especially when I made like an aardvark on some lady on top of him the nite before,
Ted, of course, is my bed…, really, my bed…, 4 legs, mattress, you’re familiar with the contraption, right?

Sleepily, I make my way to Jason, scan for emails, flowers from connecting singles, etc.,
You guessed it, Jason is my trusty old computer…

Then I visit Charlie, relishingly empty my bladder on him and thank him for his grace and acceptance…, what a guy, who else would put up with such an indignity…

Now, its time for my habit with Josephine, she’s the custodian who lovingly holds all my botanicals for me,
Slowly, methodically, and with practiced scientific care, I swallow my greens, my European systemic enzymes, my Asiatic systemic enzymes, my MSM, my vitamins, minerals, my omega’s, my probiotics, etc, while Josephine patiently watches me, sometimes I catch her amused twinkle in her eyes…,
Then I pack everything back into her and place her in a dark place out of the sun, so that he cant hurt the sensitive botanicals…

Then, its off to Carlos…,
Carlos and I have not seen eye-to-eye yet,
He’s normally cold, business-like and totally unaffectionate, and hates the mess I make in him…,
[neurotic bastard…]
What with teeth-brushing with Zelda, my electric toothbrush, shaving, and then doing battle with Telly, he’s the wretched shower, I swear I know he has a pact with the devil to either freeze me or scald me,
Never a happy medium…,
One day, one day…,
g-d, I’m always glad to get the hell outa there…

As I leave for my office, I greet everyone, starting with Rhonda, the apartment, Nestor, my TV chair,
Nestor is particularly sensitive, if I forget to wish him a good day, he makes me pay later, by not quite allowing me to settle down very nice and comfy in his many convoluted contours,
Out of frustration and curiosity, I asked him once why he’s so ornery, he said, look, you sit on me, fart on me, for half the night, bellow-laugh undignifyingly at the inane comedy ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, least you can do is thank me for my troubles, I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you know, the guy before you used to get drunk and vomit on me…,
Wow…, now, I understand the reason for his sensitive nature and sometimes I even kiss him good bye, you should see how he glows after that…
Katerina, my VCR, and Rob-Roy, my TV are a lot more steady characters, they understand me, I think…, but I caress them goodbye as well, just in case….

Lastly, I greet very affectionately, my Zoe, I love her the most, she gives me a smooth ride and asks for very little, just some gasoline once in a while…