inthemind Blog Comments (547)

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Thank you to those who were willing to take on this topic!

As I was writing it ... and as I wrote my comments ... I knew my words were too many and my message could be misunderstood...

Occasionally I'll write a blog or comment just as a way to bring my thoughts into words ... I think this blog could have just as well been a journal entry written just for myself.

Does anyone keep a personal journal or diary? I never have but I can see some benefit to turning thoughts into words... it helps organize our brain.

Thank you to all who helped me organize my brain!

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Varna and Burgas --- Outside of Sofia, a couple of your larger cities. I rather felt I didn't have it right but didn't check... seems like it was the one that's closer to the Black Sea.

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"Great patience" - That's it! (I think ). I agree that many sparks and disagreements would be likely between two like us.

Sometimes a couple who is together a long time becomes similar to each other... perhaps this is one way to have disagreements become fewer over time. The other way is to just be too tired to fight anymore. I've seen that too...

We'll find out what the future brings to each of us.

RE: Bad Boy vs Nice Guy

Hi Gloria!

Thanks for reading my post.

Your thoughts are interesting but based on the "3 of 1000" examples I provided. I gave these examples in order to make my point, not as anything close to a complete description of the blogger's topic (as I pointed out).

People are far more complicated and cannot be labeled based on a single facet of their personality or who they 'appear' to be.

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"Be the person you want other people to see you as."

If you want people to respect who you are... work on skills that allow you to be more respectable. This is the line of thought...

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Hi Ariel - (<< Do you go to clubs to see bands like this?)

Bulgaria - I knew so little about your country before meeting you and Sunrise last year (over in Vargas I was it?... I don't think she's on CS anymore... Lazly reminds me of her in some (good) ways). My perspective has opened up quite a bit and the nice ladies on CS have provided much of the motivation. Thank you for playing a significant role in this!

I wonder if two people like ourselves... rather opposite in this way... would get along well or just get on each other's nerves. ... Your self-awareness is good though ... I think that's a huge factor. Recognizing (and trusting in) positive intent is also a huge factor ... How do you do with this?

(Somewhat personal questions... never a need to answer on the blog if you don't want to)

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Do you know the emotional-reaction type who gets upset easily? ... the one who starts (nearly) every argument... and always wonders why everyone else is attacking them? They can't see and dismiss their own role (in starting the conflict) and blame the other for the (often misunderstood) trigger (statement or action) they reacted to ...

When self-awareness is high, the ship will right itself and the relationship can still prosper. People will learn and grow together.

When self-awareness is low, the ship sinks because opportunities to grow are squandered.

RE: Bad Boy vs Nice Guy

Many good comments... I've enjoyed reading...

Hey Beach -

Here's the key for me --- What do you admire in a woman?

If you're a bad boy (in the strong/tough sense)...
- you'll attract women who feel weak and insecure who will value you as a protector.

If you're a bad boy (in the chaotic/exciting sense)...
- you'll attract women who are shallow and want you to keep them from feeling bored.

If you're a bad boy (in the split-personality sense)...
- you'll attract women who thinks you'll always smile at her while always growling at everyone else (some think this sort of person exists... one with a nice/mean switch where she gets to have the remote control and decide which way to use you).

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The key lies in what type you want to attract and where your natural tendencies (and personality) are. My post is long enough (there's much more on both sides: bad and nice)... but my point is that you should think about what traits you admire in a woman and make efforts to (genuinely) be the type of man that woman would admire (and be attracted to).

Good luck.

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Ariel - The reason I like Bulgaria.

Strong, patient and confident ... hmm ... you use the word "reasonable", which leans towards the "Problem Solver" outlook ... but if you're mostly emotional, will you accept their reactions when they aren't emotional?

One thought - "I know the results I want... and I trust you to accomplish them... I don't need to understand your plan... just let me know if I can help or (better yet) just let me know when it's done."

Sometimes this is a good way to work with someone who's approach is different than our own. We talk about goals and accomplishments and then just let them take it from there.

Perhaps leading to this question:
- Could you trust someone whose approach (to trouble, disagreement, problems, etc) you don't understand?

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To have their own opinion and not change it in order to be liked by others...

Tom (a co-worker) came to see me yesterday after everyone went home... we talked for an hour (which prompted me to write this blog last night). One of the points he made is that he enjoys talking with me because I won't just agree with him or tell him what he wants to hear. I'll think about the topic and will give him my honest outlook on it.

But I also work with a guy who has no time for thinking and no patience. He often disagrees just to be disagreeable. I won't put any effort into arguing with him... his points make no sense and he has no patience... I try to find neutral ways to say "yeah, whatever" with him so I can go back to doing something worth-while. (It's a sort of game playing, controlling behavior thing... I won't play along but I'm also not going to spend time and effort fighting with him about it.)

So would this be an example of the 'changing opinions to avoid conflicts' concern you have?

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Hi Marsh!

So is a blog something to react to? Perhaps for this one, a problem to be solved?

Take all the time you'd like... I'm supposed to be working for the next several hours anyways.

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Parti - So when disagreement arises, crack a joke (change the subject and give everyone something else to react to) ... I would imagine this short-circuits any negative responses that might be coming.

It's a way to cope... I've learned to use this at times myself ... even if the joke isn't delivered well, it still preempts most negative reactions.

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

And Shay is here ... with a plan!

Hi Shay!

Reaction to misunderstanding = try to resolve it.

It would appear that you're on the 'Problem Solving' side of the fence. ... But not 100% (I'm not sure anyone is or should be) ... At times, defenses come up and you need to cool off a bit ... I can relate to that.

I have a feeling we'd get along well with each other in real life.

I think this blog (rather long, thank you all for reading it!) ... is also about why deep/challenging topics are difficult to discuss. When the subject is complicated or difficult/painful, there are going to be many misunderstandings to resolve ... and if someone gets upset each time confusion appears, we might not get a chance to complete the discussion.

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Hi V!

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Sur -

Are you saying that the tiger reacts by feeling emotion or is it considering the problem (you) then taking an action they determine is appropriate?

Perhaps... just a theory... the opportunity to pause and consider before reacting is something only humans can do. ... Hmm ... Maybe.

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RU - It sounds like 'sometimes 1 ... sometimes 2'

If you take the bus to work... and it's just a minute early today and you miss it... What's your first reaction?

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Hi V!

"What's this?"
"... is this free?... while I wait for my order"

Okay... seeing a trend... and mostly one I expected. I think the initial reaction to things not going well is typically and perhaps naturally emotional.

And equal partnership in life... so perhaps a similar reaction to disagreement... perhaps one who would speak with the waiter the same way or at least agree that your reaction was the right one. ... so, similar in the 'initial response is emotion' trait.

Thanks for sharing, V!

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

Single4 -

It sounds like your perspective has changed over time... but perhaps similar to Cyber ... the initial response is with emotion ... just more muted/measured now ...

Problem Solving -or- Anger/Defensiveness?

+1 - I'm trying to get to '1st instinct' here... If you reach for a doorknob and the door doesn't open, do you pause and think or do you just automatically pull/push harder?

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Hi Ed - There's an escalation of tension facet to this. If someone disagrees; ask them a question or raise your voice? It sounds like you've been moving towards the 'ask a question' outlook.

In business... sometimes tension seems to be necessary as they need to feel your disappointment (not just hear about it).

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Cyber - So... with familiar people you can keep tension low ... if someone 'dials it up' though, you're ready to do the same it appears. Sounds like '1st instinct' is to react with emotion... just a question of how much emotion.

Am I getting this right?

RE: It is right to

It would either be trouble with trust or a need to be controlling ... and likely both.

Privacy should be respected.

If privacy cannot be respected, the problems won't be solved by spying on each other.

RE: Love, Trust - and a $1000

My criteria would be -

1) Who is in physical danger?

Otherwise, I'll help a friend out in a pinch but this is a really bad sign for a young relationship ... $1000 isn't lunch money because they didn't have time to get to the ATM.

I would need to know the reason for the need to give an exact response. If I suspect this sort of need might be chronic, that would nix/end long-term relationship prospects in my book.

(also wondering about any unspoken motives here...)

RE: Pictures from Portland

What a cute family! And smiles by all!

So cool, Ed. Must be difficult to not be with them all the time.

<< Gender neutral good thoughts

(the ladies can send along hugs, okay? )

RE: is blocking enough

Only here for the blokes?

Maybe that was it.....

RE: Beca's truth

Firas - Read her blog from this morning before she hid or cancelled her profile ... basically, surgery can't fix her ... "time with friends and family" ... for the time remaining.

She's been facing her mortality... I'm sure that's affected at least some of her behavior here... it has to.

Is there a life after this life? A question each of us will take seriously some day (in my opinion).

RE: Beca's truth

Been on my mind today...

Thanks for finding the words.

Y-M-C-A

Hi Chica Thank you again.

RE: Timetravel

Okay ... no 'death zone' for me ... call me a wimp ... don't need to be that close to the edge...

Lots of mountains in BC ... it's cool that you're in/around them and get to play there as well!

(skiing - I've done it on water and enjoyed it - haven't done it on snow - always looks like fun though )

RE: Timetravel

Cyber - 13 feet taller??? ... The air will be even thinner!

I guess that's the key issue... hard to keep your head straight and your feet moving when oxygen is running low.

Are you close to the mountains? We have barely enough elevation for a ski slope here.

RE: Timetravel

Central European Time... How close is that to GMT? I'm just thinking ... getting a "Zulu Time" clock ... and lining up to that ... hmmm... would put me on 2nd shift I think... starting work at 2 or 3 in the afternoon (with sunrise around noon )

We'll have to think about this...

Nah ... will keep it as is ... Um, Cyber? - How far in the future? (like, next week or 100 years?) Do you know... are we okay with the whole Mayan Calendar thing?

RE: Timetravel

Chica ... hmm ... Do you figure this happened? (<< looks painful )

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If the world were flat and the sun had an on/off switch, we wouldn't need time zones! And we could all be on CS at the same time! ... well ... before we're ejected into space and other awful things ... ... perhaps we could just test it out ... make sure everyone holds onto something before we stop the Earth and begin to flatten it out... ... perhaps we should apply for a government grant to study this!

(okay... I'll get back to my work now... )

RE: I need HELP ! ! !

Hi everyone!

Good points (but not as funny as the earlier comments )

10k makes good points about the economics. That's my thought as well. It's nice to have a fancy car with new technology but not if you're facing more expensive repairs.

That's always the challenge with every sort of machine... they all break eventually and the more parts needed to make it go, the more there is that can break.

If the economics (and a chance to short-change the oil industry) works for you, you should do it. (but pay extra close attention to the warrantee)

Some day I will too ... solar panels on the roof charging a car and electric motorbike in the garage... something like that would really make me smile!

RE: Nothing replaces a good conversation ...

Yes - Communication is very important.

Communication in many forms... in smalls ways as well as long conversations. It's essential to share understanding with each other.

(you deserve at least one serious reply... )

Hi 10k

RE: I need HELP ! ! !

Cofy - Acronym humorist!

There are several now... offering significant efficiency gains for short trips 'around town' ... on long drives ('highway miles') they don't do too much better than regular small cars. I consider the technology to be rather new so personally I'm not ready to make a change.

I know one couple with a Prius they've had for several years (and well over 100k miles). They still like the car.

One gent I saw over the weekend recently bought a Camry Hybrid and took a trip to visit the kids/grandkids in Illinois. He said they got about 41 mpg average... and my 10-yr old (gasoline) Hyundai would probably average about 35 mpg for the same trip.

I think any car should go about 10 years without significant repairs... personally, I'm not sure if these are "10-year" cars yet.

I'm also certain that others view this quite differently.

If you haven't visited the Consumer Reports web site yet, if might be worth reading a few articles there.



Good luck!

Y-M-C-A

Hi Chica,

"hostel" ... Yes, I suppose that's a good word for this. I wonder how far back the use of the word 'hostel' goes. In the past, the Y certain was like a hostel here... and perhaps in some locations in the US they still are.

I suppose having the word "Christian" as part of the official name has limited its presence in some countries.

I consider it to be a non-religious (secular) organization now but that's just from my limited exposure (the local Y is just a fitness/activity center... no religion is mixed in).

The photos... no mirrors there to show me with my camera :) The front row of empty chairs on the right... my spot was at the far end of that row... near the drummer.

We had fun.

Thanks for visiting my blog, La Chica.

RE: out of mind out of sight

That's why people use Facebook!

That's where all the people I don't remember from the past are!

(well... also a few I do remember. )

Personal Quality

Cyber and Morgen - Another good discussion and again, I enjoyed just reading...

Cyber - Depression... just getting into a funk because life is tough at times... a form of grieving I think... takes some time to process, to cope, to return to a manner of normal. I don't think of this as 'clinical' (though don't really know the definitions)

Long term... chemical imbalance sort of depression... something in one's physiology I think... lots of mystery and different challenges inside that one. Sure would be great to improve on existing treatments, wouldn't it?

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no replies needed... this blog is aging out... I've enjoyed it everyone!