On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ..... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
So glad to hear you survived too. It is really upsetting to find out that so many of the fires were set on purpose or having some iijit toss his buds out the window. Having lost it all and so many of the people did not have much to begin with You take care too okay?
Thank you for asking Lilth, right now the smoke is cleared for several days we could not see the mountains, very claustrofhobic. We are not in any danger of wildfires ourselves so we can not complain
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" "It is" "This is the IRS. Can you help us?" "I can" "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?" "I do" "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is" "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" "He will".
Just A Second! So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
Church bloopers................. Hilarious Church Bulletin Bloopers by Matthew Archbold Tuesday, June 28, 2011 10:04 PM Comments (37) OK. There’s a lot of serious stuff going on in the Church and in the world right now and I was prepared to write on them but then I received an email from a friend of mine about Church bulletin bloopers and I laughed so hard I nearly choked to death. (I’m actually not kidding. My wife came running into the room to see if I was OK.) I have no idea of the veracity of these or their orignal source but they struck me as funny so I’m thinking you’ll probably get a laugh or two out of it as well.
Here they are:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.. ————————————— The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus. ————————————— Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ————————————— Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you . ————————————— Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help . ————————————— Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ————————————— For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs . ————————————— Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ————————————— Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ————————————— A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.. ————————————— At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice. ————————————— Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ————————————— Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ————————————— The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ————————————— Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ————————————— The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ————————————— This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ————————————— Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done. ————————————— The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ————————————— Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. ————————————— The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ————————————— Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ————————————— The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ” I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
Thank you Jack, one lady who was deaf would say sometimes that someoen had lazy lips as she could not easely read them. Natives don't open their mouth much either. My mom had stuck a knitting needle in her ear as a child and punctured the eai drum. Trust me she had no problem reading our lips when us kids took advantage and said something she was not supposed to hear......Ouch............
How can you spell out names in sign language as it seems to me that there would not be enough time to do so..
You are right Anno that is why English is accepted by so many. A lot of Europeans speak several languages. Flight attendance and secretaries speak at least their native language, French, German, English and preferable also Spanish. Some people speak ten or more languages fluently..............
Best thing i ever did is come to Canada, lived 11 years in California but never felt at home. Canada is the best and living where I am living, it is like Tuscany and no wild fire danger for us either
There is no egg in the eggplant, No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England, French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that: Quicksand takes you down slowly, Boxing rings are square, And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, Why hasn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, What the heck does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways? How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down, And in which you fill in a form By filling it out.....
English was invented by people, not computers, And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all.)
That is why: When the stars are out they are visible, But when the lights are out they are invisible. .
Thank you so very mucyh studecar for your compliments. I take it you also visit Butchard Gardens in Victoria. There is a unique museum and many other good things to see. Vancouver Island is indeed very beautiflul and Victoria is the capital of B.C. I live on the mainland about a 5 hour drive from Vancouver. Have visited the island several times the ferry ride is also so very nice. Come and visit again anytime soon.
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"? Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a S in it?
Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? How did a fool and his money get together? Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?
Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills? Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it? ,
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same? If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go.." The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." T"ennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?
Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
*** Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
britishcolumbian Forum Posts (894)
RE: Freemasons !!
What is the reason for their existens.What is their goal, their object.
What does anyone get out of it?