There has been something bothering me about an ex & still is....a guy has never done this to me before & I thought wrong! What did he do?
HE DISAPPEARED WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION....no talk,no call,no text,no email....NOTHING !! No contact whatsoever!
I've been hurt by men. I've been cheated on. I thought being cheated on was the worst feeling to be dumped. Cheated on made me feel like I wasn't good enough,that I wasn't sexy enough....yadda yadda. But this to me feels so much worse.
It felt like he took my heart with him when he disappeared & I want my heart back. He made me feel like I'm nothing. He made me feel like I meant nothing to him. I feel that I need/want closure. I want to know why. It hurts NOT knowing WHY!
Why can't I stop thinking about him? I have feelings for him! I'm in a way confused...I miss him yet I'm uoset with him. I wish it ended better. He was the first guy I trusted in my life after being hurt so many times before...& he took that trust way.
I want to move on yet I'm waiting for an answer I probably will never get. Was it him? Me? Or us? Did I hurt him...I don't know? I know I deserve better & there are other men in the sea! But....
It's been awhile since I wrote a blog. I've been busy. Lots has changed since I've been here last. I wonder if I will recognize anyone here or not. Lol :)
Here goes....... update!
A while ago I was worried about moving in with my boyfriend. Things were on my mind. Like my job, getting to work, our cats, our stuff....& such. Well fast forward about 3 months......here I am!
I quit my job in august & found another job in that same month. It's only a 5min walk from where we live. I officially moved in, in September. So the month of September was really busy with the move, new job, amongst other commitments. I'm glad all is done with. Now the fun task of putting everything in its place.
It's surprising how much I've accumulated during the years of living on my own. I had to go through my stuff & decide what to keep. Some of it was easy, some has some sentimental value...& more difficult. But I did it! It's all new to me...living in with my boyfriend. I haven't lived with a guy before, it's an adjustment. ...but its going good so far.
We both have cats, but I had 2. I found a home for my one cat. We both agreed that 3 cats is too much for us. So we have 2 cats. The fun part was introducing them. Slowly but surely they are getting along. They have their moments but they are getting better.
For those who don't know I met him through this site. We've been together for over one & a half years...& still going strong. Things are going good. We are still trying to find places for our stuff. Lol :) Our tastes are different but that's to be expected. I'm glad I found a great guy!
My regiion is my heart!. I follow my heart.
To some "the heart" is not a relgion.
This blog isn't about the discussion about religion.
Its my opinion about relgion & how I feel about it.
HERE GOES.....
My parents were brought up with different reiigious beliefs. I wasn't raised by either religion. But I have gone to church through out my life tho. I was never taught or told that any particular religion was better than another.
While growing up I had friends from different religious backgrounds. I currently have friends with different religious backgrounds. A persons religion does not define who they are, its their actions.
Regardless whether you believe/follow a particular religion, or not....it doesn't make you less/better than any other person. To me religion is a personal choice & I find nothing wrong with any particular religion. Some take it personally & for some its personal.
The problem is when a small group of people in any particular can do "bad things" & all of a sudden some people think ALL are that way. That's not true! There will always be the "the good, the bad, the ugly" in any particular religion....whether we admit it or not. History speaks for itself!
Just because I'm not religious, there's nothing wrong with it. I'm not going to hell....as I was told once. I don't look down at any religion. But it bothers me when someone "shoves" religion down my throat. I didn't come into this world to hate anyone because of their beliefs, or to hurt.
** ATTENTION **
THIS BLOG ISN'T ABOUT BASHING RELIGION. I DON'T WANT ANYONE BASHING OTHERS FOR THEIR BELIEFS. IF I FEEL THAT A COMMENT IS INAPPROPRIATE I WILL DELETE IT.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING!
I came across this earlier today.....
Did you know, when you rearrange the letters of....
CLINT EASTWOOD
You then get.....OLD WEST ACTION.!!
Now its got me thinking about all the words you can get out other words, when you rearrange the letters.
How many can you find or know of?
Here's some I came across already.....
STRAP ON = NO PARTS
BOOBYTRAP = PARTYBOOB
Have an awesome wknd everyone!
I just had a thought & it could become interesting. Here it is.....if you could come back, what would you wanna be? It can be anything!....an object, an animal, a person. And why!
SPREAD SOME VERBAL SUNSHINE
SPREAD SOME SEEDS OF LOVE
Never wait for the perfect moment...
To say how you feel.
When you feel it, just say it!
Say what you mean, mean what you say!
It never hurts to compliment someone.
It never hurts to spread some cheer.
It never hurts to give someone a hug.
It never hurts to lend a listening heart.
Never underestimate a small deed.
Never underestimate a kind word.
Little things can make a big difference.
A little can go a long way!!
JUST SAY IT!!
DON'T WAIT UNTIL ITS TOO LATE.
JUST SAY IT!!
"Life isn't tied with a bow, but its still a gift."
When you're younger, you wanna be older.
When you're older, you wanna be younger.
Then you hear....."never get old"....LOL
Whom do I usually hear this from?
Older people complaining of their aches & pains.
You can't avoid aging...its part of life!
Do you remember in your younger years, wanting to be "sophisticated"? To be on your own & independent, & "free", to do whatever you want....whenever you want. Then that time comes, & now for some reason....you want to be young again. You realize being grown up, actually has responsibilities.
Gone are the days where all you had to worry about was homework & chores. As you got older, you may of had a part time job while in high school. Some of us wanted to grow up fast....& gotten into trouble because of it.
Fast forward after you're done schooling after high school...that's if you went. Then you get a job in your chosen field....hopefully. In the meantime you search for love, as you're living your life. You pay bills, cooking & cleaning, achieve a healthy balance between....work & play, friends & family.....& so on!
Life goes on, & you get older. Your body doesn't work as it used too. You're looks change, your helath changes. There's many changes throughout life. Some of us age gracefully, & well...age catches up. Some will have "work done". Then it hits you....your lifes passes you by, where did it go?
If age is just a number, how old do you feel? Are you happier now, than before? Or were you happier at another point of your life?
Well at this moment, for me......
I'm in a better point of my life. I haven't done everything I wanted to...yet!! But in time I will....if I don't, maybe something better comes along. I'm happy at what I've accomplished, but at the same time I know I could be doing better.... There's things I still need to do....& want to do. My happier moments....happened throughout my life & still is!!
I look back at my life....& realize that its good. I can't complain! But I've had my moments where I wasn't happy with where I am or what I'm doing....at times I still do...LOL. But why? Something or someone points out to me what I'm doing wrong. I keep wondering, why can't they focus on what I've done right!!
I don't mind when "LIFE ITSELF" reminds me & gives me a gentle nudge. It throws at me these "tests" to learn from....thast when I see the hidden lesson. Life is full of them. I see it everytime I'm at work...when it comes to life & death. I see it in everyday life.
But we're never given something we can't handle. I've often thought....why? Instead I should be asking....why not? Or even saying...bring it on! How often have you said, or heard...I can't! Now the real question is this.....you can't? Or...you won't? There's a big difference! We often give or have these excuses for not.....doing "this or that".
Excuses begone! Take "U...aka YOU" out of the excuse trap. Stop making excuses! It doesn't benefit you, all it does is sabotage your success. Put "U....aka YOU" into success. Often you are your own worst critic....stop it! And start believing in yourself!
And what could be worse? That someone who likes to knodk you down when you're the most vulnerable. Instead of building you up, they want to see you fall & fail. Why? For some strange reason it makes them feel better. Why? They aren't happy with their life, so they do/say things to fill with you doubt. Why? It makes them feel better to see someone worse off than they are. Sad, eh?
I've come across people like that throughout my life. Yes they've filled me with self doubt at times. What's the best revenge?? Is having them see me succeed. The best revenge is success!! I'm in a better spot in my life now, than 10yrs ago. I'm proud of my accomplishmesnts & where I am now....even if some don't think so!
I've come to realize that, there will always be someone in your life who will try to pull you down instead building you up. Have you ever noticed that people are quick to criticize & judge. But can't or won't take the time focus on what was done right. If we could just focus what is done instead of what isn't done...wow....wouldn't that be great!
Wow! Life can be good!
That's if we dare to open.....
Our minds! Our eyes! Our hearts!
I love my life....
Even with its faults & flaws!
Its my life!
I'm where I am because of....
The choices I made!
And no one can take that away!
LIFE IS GREAT!!!
There have been times in my life when I've been hurt, for awhile it made me walk around wounded. It made me afraid to be hurt again. So much so I was afraid to date again. I avoided the dating scene for a short while. It almost paralyzed me for awhile. I did not enjoy it. But at least I felt I was in control. In control of what? Not getting hurt.
What did it accomplish? Well besides putting up a wall & being fearful....that part...nothing!! I felt many emotions. For a time I thought all guys are out to hurt me, or after one thing. But not all were tho. But I had a fear of being hurt, so I may of sabotaged by putting up this wall. This wall served no purpose. In fact it may of hurt me more.
This wall made me walk around wounded.....walking wounded is almost like dead weight....excess emotional baggage....it weighs you down, it prevents you from moving on. Its like you're holding onto something that hinders your progress. In essence, you are self sabotaging yourself. It gets you nowhere. Makes you wonder if were afraid of being hurt....or being loved.
How can anyone be afraid of being loved? Well perhaps its because....once bitten, twice shy. Loving someone requires an open heart. And to do that you must not be afraid to let someone into your life. & allow you to be vulnerable. Vulnerable? That's with your heart. In order to allow that, you must be able to trust with your heart.
You don't just trust anyone with your heart, it takes that special someone. That person holds that key to your heart. That key is trust. When you truly trust someone, you're not afraid to be vulnerable with your heart & emotions. This person allows you to open up, tear down that wall, lift the weight off your heart, let go & free yourself to love again.
Walking wounded is not easy & weighs you down. You must heal yourself through time & loving yourself again. It helps to realize that in the process you learn about yourself through self-discovery. Its different for everyone & there's no time limit. Don't rush it! Its no fun or fair to bring someone else down, while you're down yourself. Misery doesn't always love company! And don't be afraid to be alone!
I've been working at my present job for almost 9yrs. I'm getting to the point I've had enough! Why? Many reasons. I need a change. It hit me especially in the last year & on the wknd. It doesn't just take a toll on you physically, but emtionally. I'm surprised I lasted this long. I've seen so much & learned so much, in this time. I've seen many come & go. I've shed many tears. Gave many hugs. Lent a crying shoulder. A listening heart.
Will I miss some of the residents, for sure some I will. Will I miss some of the staff....well not all of them. Some work well as a team. Some, well to them its just a job. I can tell by their work ethic & attitude. It seems the morale has changed for some. Its like their heart isn't in it anymore. They fight over the workload, some want to do less. Some don't get along. Some will try to make you look bad. Ignore you & so on.
Its hard to see how a person can deteriorate in so many ways,,,,physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. In essence they start to lose their freedom & independence. Some just give up. Some are stubborn, & feel they can still do it on their own....even tho they can't. But they still try. They tell you stories, I enjoy them when I have time to listen. I wish I had more times to spend with some. But with our workload, & sometimes working short, its not always possible.
Its opened my eyes about aging & life, I've seen more about "death" than the average person. I've put bodies in a body bag & tthen down to the morgue. I'll never forget my first time doing that. It was a different experience. Its fuuny tho when I did....memories of that resident came flooding to me, I was remembering things about them, when I was interacting with them & doing their care.
My gosh I remember my first day on my practicum. I spent my lunch crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I told myself I never want to get old & be in a facilty. I wanna be healthy & strong, & take care of myself to the end. I saw a lot I didn't like on my first day. And to this day I still se things I don't like. Its hard to take at times.
To me its someones loved one. They once had a life where they took care of others. Now someone else is taking care of them. Most never expected or wanted to be in a LTC facilty...but it happens. I've heard many times...." I never thought in a milluon years, that someone would be wiping my butt". What's even harder is when they are young.
With an aging population, some people neglecting their health, & circumstances beyond ones control.....that's where they end up. Sad but true. And some require 24hr care & are totally dependent on others for everything. Some their bodies are ok, but their minds aren't. Some the mind is still there, but their bodies don't work. It can happen at any age....I've seen residents around my age & younger.
I've had enough! My body tells me so! My heart tells me so! Life is telling me so! Its time to move on! Its hard to let go, but I can do it. What to do now? Who knows? Maybe follow my heart & my passion...whatever that is. I've worked many holidays & wknds, I've missed out on life because of it. I want the Monday to Friday job, with wknds & holidays off! I miss it!
How do you want to spend your "golden years"? Do you strive for "freedom 55"? Do you see yourself retiring financially independent? Are you waiting for retirement to "finally live"? Where do you see yourself after the age of 65? I know most don't want to think about it until the time comes. But where do you see yourself?
Why am I asking or writing this blog? Well because I work with the elderly & adults at a LTC facilty....from the age of 20 to 105 years of age. DID YOU KNOW....THAT ABOUT THE LAST 10yrs OF A PERSONS LIFE IS SPENT IN SICKNESS?? Scary, eh?
Keep in mind that this can happen at ANY age. That's why we should do the best we can while we're able to. Life is unpredictable. Some of the people I've seen come & go are there for various reasons....some at no fault of their own. We must take care of ourselves, especially our body....we've only got one.
I've learned a lot while working there for 8.5yrs. I've always assumed only the elderly stay at LTC facilities. I assumed wrong. I've seen a lot. I've cried many times. I've comforted & tried me best to make them comfortable. I've given & received many hugs. And shared a few laughs. It can be an emotionally & physically draining job. Its not always easy. But it can be rewarding in different ways.
Seeing how the mind & body deteriorate as we age, kinda scares me. Who knows how we'll end up. All I know is that I want to be healthy & enjoy a long life. I don't want to be living at a LTC facility to the end...especially when the mind goes. Its really hard to see, especially withe dementia & alzheimers....they are living in the past, sometimes the not so good time of their life
Its opened my eyes to many things & made me realize that you can't plan for sickness. We assume, or we don't want it to "happen to us". Life doesn't work that way! We must appreciate what we can do for ourselves. I'm not saying that we all will end up at aLTC facilty. But some of us will. Never take your health for granted!
Never get old?.....that's what I hear a lot from the residents. Its kinda funny when they say that. When I look at them I see lots of things....fro. the...make the best of it, to giving up. When you lose your freedom & independence...it also eats up their spirit of life. I should know I've seen different "faces of death".
Its heartbreaking to see certain things. Its heartwarming to see certain things. I've seen the good, the bad, & the ugly. I've learned that all I can do is, is do the best I can do. Its not always easy especially when there's certain things you can't control. Which it can sometimes make it harder. You want to do more but you can't. Sometimes there's not enough time, or enough staff.
Sometimes I wish I had/have more time to spend doing their care. To talk to them. To make them comfortable & feel at home. I may not be able to spend the same amount with each & every resident all the time, but I do my best. To me they are someones loved one. This may be their last home. I look into their eyes & see so much. It sometimes makes me sad, when I can't do more.
Can't believe its alrwady march. Its late here now. Did some tidying up after work & some packing. I'm babysitting my niece & nephew for the wknd, it will be an interesting & fun challnge. I've babysat them before, not not overnight (for about 3 nights. I'm excited in a way!
:yay!:
I wsent sledding awhile back & I got hurt...nothing major. As I went down the hill, I bumped my head & the impact knocked my toque off. Then I kinda flew up & landed on the edge of the "flying saucer". I even got a bruise on my back from the impact. It was fun, I can't wait to do it again!
I'm also preparing for my "big move". I'm nefvous & excited at the same time. And its comming quickly. Things are starting to work out. I guess I was worrying over nothing. I found out things that is making me feel at ease. Little by litlle I'm moving things into his place. So when I axtually move, it won't seem as much.
The one thing I'm worried about is how our cats are going to get along. Hopefully they all get along. It will be an adjustment for them.
Overall I can't complain & things are sorting out. I still got lots of things to do, but I'm chuggling along doing as much as I possibly can. Boy does it feel good to declutter, too bad you couldn't lose weight just as fast. Lol :)
Hope you all are doing well. Have a good wknd.
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