Funnies
Monkeys relax, eat, play, sleep and have sex like crazy ...I was wondering ... why the hell did we evolve ?!
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
A man goes to bed one night and falls asleep. The next thing he knows, he is standing at the gates of heaven with St. Peter. He says "where am I?" St Peter replies "you died and you are at the gates of heaven. The man replied "omg no, I can't be dead, I got so much left to do. Can you please send me back to finish my life's work. St. Peter says "I can send you back but there is a catch, you must be sent back as a chicken. The man says "well, I'll find a way to get things done even as a chicken" so he agrees.
Next thing the man knows, he is in a farmers field as a chicken. The man thinks "well this isn't quite as bad as I thought it would be" so he mingles with the other chickens. After a while, he feels that strange feeling in his stomach, he asks the other chickens what was going on. They explained to him that he is ready to lay a egg so they tell him to just gently push and it will come out so the man pushes and sure enough, he lays an egg. The man feels another strange feeling so he pushes again to lay the second egg when all of a sudden he is slapped in the face by his wife who says "wake up you god damn old fool, your shitting in the bed!"
A man got stranded on a island in the middle of the ocean one day and all he had with him was a dog and a sheep that also got stranded with him. He decided not to eat them and have them as pets as he was going to be alone for a long time. After some time past, the sheep started to look more and more attractive to him but every time he tried the sheep, the dog would growl and get between them. This went on for some time.
This one day, he spots something on the horizon coming his way, as it got closer, he could see that it was a woman hanging on to a piece of wood and coming right for the island. When she washed onshore, he ran to her with a home made towel and some food. After she dried off and got something to eat, she said "thank you so much, how can I ever repay you looking at him seductively?"
He replied, "would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"