Waking up
About an hour ago my eyes opened. The transition from shut and asleep to open and awake was seamless, instantaneous. One second I was not there and then I was.I have been rambling through the byways in my head, thinking thoughts that do not matter about things that don"t exist, doing what I must because I am designed that way. Trying to make sense of this.
I said to my sister I would really like to learn this lesson so I can move on. She said perhaps the lesson is not for you.
I have been thinking about that. When i read the comments posted to my last entry i teared up and thought of the two way connection we have established. Trish reinforced my self confidence, goose reminded me i am not alone.
Many people have offered emotional support and encouragement and maybe that is the lesson, for us all.
The certain knowledge that we see here every day that people care.
That the milk of human kindness has not dried up, has not soured completely. Despite the bad, the stupid, the sometimes outright cruel, the good is there. Is real, and waits for us to open up and share it.
Of course it could be on a much smaller less universal scale. just a reminder that no matter what is going on, the details matter. in the biggest drama of my life (from my point of view this is a biggy) the most important things have been keeping the laundry done, eating on time, making sure my work load is covered.
i have kept this very private -yes i am aware the whole world can read it here if they choose to, but I am just a thought, a bunch of concepts gathered here by words and anchored in the ether by the product of other peoples' imaginations. In the non virtual world, the numbers of people who are sharing my current venture are limited to family and the occasional close friend.
Deliberately. everyone always gets on my case about being too calm. I do not actually KNOW why i am not out on a binge or frothing at the mouth. Partly because I am observing. Right now, my poetry has retreated (I would retreat too if I didnt live in my head) but all this angst and passion will leave its traces that later will be shaped, will drive a flow of words to speak for me.
Actually, yesterday I did complain, i was hungry and thirsty and said longingly that I wanted someting to eat. Immediately I was told "don't think of food, you can eat after the tests are done" Well, I knew that. I just wanted to complain, to let my discomfort out.
In the past two weeks I have processed a great deal of indefinite information, none of it particularly what I would choose to have in my life, and the future is an even larger question mark than usual. So if I want to b*tch about being hungry, let me!
Reading back that last paragraph, it would appear that not only my eyes opened this morning. Anger is dawning. I was a bit afraid i was going to suddenly have a major meltdown and nuke everyone out of existence (just because I am calm does not preclude thought, feelings and analysis).
I have just sat here for several minutes, typing nothing, thinking nothing. time to stop.
if they let me out this evening and i can type I will give my first hand experience of a lumbar puncture this evening, but I have been told I may have to stay in overnight.
So later, or tomorrow. i'll be thinking of you all! Except when I am thinking about me!
