bones and things

Today was osteo day and I learned something new. All along I have assumed that as the pressures on my brainstem eased function would return to my left side pretty much in the way it went away.

Apparently not quite. At the moment, my brain -and all its communication centres - is behaving a bit despotically, sending out commands with scant attention, just saying 'do this!' and my bones and stronger muscles are leaping, sometimes literally, to obey. Any weaker muscles are being ignored despite their best efforts so what I have to do is intercede and literally redirect the action to the weaker sisters among my muscles

the underside of my forearm, the triceps, the muscles that curve the hand over rather than thrust the fingers out. And i need to inscribe circles amd roll marbles and modelling clay into balls between my fingers, delicate fine motor activities that my brain has discarded because it functions without them. These are the refinements of life.

The delicate traceries of frost upon a window pane instead of banks of snow, the caress as opposed to the slap upside the head my left hand has to offer at the moment.

Things that should be simple. Until you realise you have no concept of how your fingers make a circle on the desk top, just one hand can do it, the other cannot and trying to focus brings up all the worst feelings from radiation and chemo making fuzzy seem a state of the world not just a moment of confusion.

Well, I know what I need to do - I just have to work out how to do it. Let's hope I am still as smart as the average baby.