Just plain wrong!

All the elements are there. Everything is assembled and the first mix down is complete. Just the final touches, adding the theme music and this thing is off the wall not jelling. Three different sections of the piece and not one is singing with life and imagination. Not one is creating the invitation to open the ears and be seduced. My own ears are close to bleeding with frustration and overuse and I ache with muscles held so tight I almost thrum aloud.

I keep forgetting to breathe, or rather I am holding my breath in anticipation that is never fulfilled so oxygen deficit is setting in. At least I won't get hiccoughs! I am typing with a frenzy that pounds my fingertips to pain and triggers every speck of arthritis nestled in the joints of my fingers. For what? The eternal search for perfection I put my work through everyday? Why? I live in a world where 'ultimate' is no longer an absolute so why seek perfection? Will anyone but me even notice that the timing is a fraction off, the music does not shimmer and bait the air with promises of rich textured satisfaction for ear and mind and spirit? But this is not the tiny touch of imperfection that the Amish weave into their work to honour their god this is glaring, turning lyricism to lead and I don't know why!

I cannot feel the tug and pull like horse's reins, the wash of soul deep 'yes' that cries out when the grooves mesh and the moment is reached. And I don't know why. Something in my heart has switched to off closing down the wellspring that I plunder, bathe in, drown in for my work, my deepest joys, amphibian no longer I struggle where once I sleeked and coiled and flew. And I don't know why. I am understanding leeches at the moment for I feel the need to let my blood drain and be renewed - an image from another time and place? Perhaps tomorrow I will give blood, it has been at least two months and they always need my brand. This is all just plain wrong!