Last Commented Comedy Blogs (1,864)

I just received this lovely message from a hunky gentleman...I'm wondering how many ladies here have received the clone of this too?


Hi

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on connectig singles we only allow 6/10 maximum . Your account will indefinitely closed if you failed to tell me your name , e mail address , your favorite color and mostly a little more about yourself . I found you attractive , just wanna know you more .


Really made my day here...

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Following the decision to utilize the carcasses of animals that fell victim to poachers, elephant carcasses became available in moderate quantities. To pave the way for the Elephant Carcass Export Company (ECEC) I founded last week, I bring you a recipe on how to prepare this African delicacy.

Ingredients
1 Large African Elephant carcass (Loxodontus Africana)
200 Bags Of Salt
500 Kg Pepper Corns
750 Pockets Of Potatoes
300 Bushels Of Carrots
200 Pockets Of Onions
200 Kg Of Parsley
1 Rabbit

Method
Cut the elephant in bite-sized chunks. This will take about six weeks.
Chop vegetables into cubes. Another four weeks.
Place meat in jumbo size missionary pot.
Add 5123.25 liters of water. (fire hose suggested)
Simmer for 28 days
Shovel in salt and pepper to taste.
When meat is tender add vegetables. (Electric conveyer belt recommended)
Simmer for another 14 days with the lid on.
Garnish with parsley
Serve warm on a bed of cold rice

The recipe serves about 3000 people. If more guests are expected, add the rabbit. However, this is not recommended because very few people like hare in their stew.

Anybody interested in investing in my new venture are welcome to apply. All inquiries will be handled in strict confidence. Only the gullible need to apply. No scammers please.


Have a joyful week.

Got this courtesy of a friend...Is it coming to this???

Daughter: "Daddy, I am coming home to get married. Take out your
check book. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in
California and he lives in New York. We met on a dating website,
became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed
to me on Skype and now we've had two months of relationship through
Viper. Dad, I need your blessings, good wishes, and a big wedding."


Father: "Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on
Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and pay through PayPal. And if you
get fed up with your husband....sell him on Ebay."

Baldness is often misunderstood, which is mainly due to a lot of hair roots filling the brain cavity. Our position on the evolution scale dictates that we should have no hair on our heads. That is why babies, in general, are born with little or no hair.

The shape of the head does not get much attention while the baby is in the mother’s womb. This is because of the natural pressure exerted on it as the womb tries to regain its normal size. It is sometimes aggravated by corsets and other tight garments. Remember, a baby’s head is soft.

During birth, this condition it goes worse. The circumference of the baby’s head is much larger than what the birth canal can accommodate. As something must give (the birth canal won’t), the baby’s head goes. Because of all the aforementioned circumstances, all babies are born with an imperfect shape of the scalp.

It takes time for the scalp to attain its perfect shape and until then nature covers our scalps with hair on order to hide the imperfections for the time being. This process of reaching that perfect shape typically takes about forty to fifty years. It can take longer and in rare cases, it can happen much sooner.

Women, being hard headed, seldom attain that perfect scalp, and normally take most their hair with them into the grave.

On the other hand, being more flexible, men mostly make it, though sometimes only partially. As perfection approaches, the hair (on the perfect parts of the scalp) is gradually shed and as the hair (and their roots) decreases it creates more space for the brain to develop until eventually a perfect specimen of our species emerges. .

When next time you see a person with a full head of hair, know that he or she still has a lot to hide under that hair. And if the person speaks a lot of garbage on top of it, bear in mind what fills the brain cavity.


Bottoms up then!

Ps.
You don’t have to thank me for this valuable information. I rendered it as a public service in order to promote a better understanding of the things in life that really matter.

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the
way much faster now.




You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they
are holding a gun, she's probably pretty upset.




Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they
drink like their fathers.




You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like
someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.




I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.




I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.




I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it
the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.




Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for
murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?




Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

This morning I woke up with wonderful news in my inbox. I got an email from the International FIFA World Cup Online Lottery informing me that I have won a large sum of money.

The message read:
Subject:
FROM THE FIFA LOTTERY 2015
Message:
Attn beneficiary your won price of 15m has been isued and prepared for dispatch by the paying bank call your agent Tony Smith on O87 555 8888 immediately to avoid diqualifications.

I have changed the contact name and phone number just in case there is a rogue lurking here amongst us who may try to usurp my winnings. This is the first time in my life that I won something. Nobody is going to deprive me of it.

I’m going to get drunk for a week and then I will have a three-month pub crawl so I can decide what to do with my new riches. If you need funds for a good course, you’re welcome to apply. I will gladly oblige. No scammers please, I can smell you a mile off.

I’m a little surprised that an organization like FIFA can use such poor grammar and I would have expected them to use a spell checker. Do they have no pride in what they do? And why will they be using a Yahoo mail address? I always imagined that FIFA would have its own domain name.

But I’m not going to split hair. I have 15 million reasons to be happy. Hey! 15 million what? Euros, US$, Rand? I must phone again to ask the guy. I hope it is not Zim Dollars. Anyway, I’m off to the bank to send the R10,000 to facilitate the transfer of funds to my banking account.


I hope your day started as well as mine.

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live ?pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy...My knees itch."


Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to one's eyes…