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The last layer has fallen
Current mood: creative


Finally the last layer has fallen. To look in the mirror and to know the person looking back at you. The feeling of being renewed and refreshed. This journey has been a test of my every being and to have past it and to have closure is somthing that I will never forget. I now know who I am and what my life can be. Peace. There have been so many people that have been there to pull me up and there have been people to pull me down to all I give my everlasting thanks

I can now start a new journey and a new life and it holds so many possibilities.I now know life is to live one day at a time and to be in the moment and to embrace it with everything you have!

Thanks to everyone who never let me give up

All my love

Amorette

Shedding


shedding
Current mood: artistic

my life and myself has been but a skin that i could never shed. To look in the mirror and wonder what is under it all. To stare at myself and wonder why it has come to this. To know myself but to be an uder stranger. Only those who are close know the real and true me. For them to see things that i can not. I wonder if its all been a sham. To lie awake and shudder at the thought of living a lie but not knowing how to be true to myself. As i write i see the scales slowly falling and wonder what is underneath it all? Will it scare me or will it feel like home. How many layers do i have to shed. Will i be able too? That is somthing unknown. To live life in udder pain and feeling lost can not be my only future. Hoping that my true skin will finally give me some inlightenment or will it bring only more confusion. Do I think that life is only a pain that we have no choice to endure or do i trully belive that there are some joys that can come only if u can reach out at wrap yourself around them. Joy seems to be repaled my me. When I have trully let myself go and let my soul speak out I hope to find peace. I can sense the crawling feeling under my skin now. It seems like im trying with all my soul to be the person I was ment to be. I feel like there is a change that I can not see but its there fighting to be seen. Peace is what i seek and leaving behind the bounderys is what I hope to embrace. My heart achs for the touch of a true soul. With no trust comes no peace. That is why I have to let go of this tight and painfull skin. To meet people that or my equl is my ever ending journey. Oh to be free of this skin to finally strech and sigh with joy of the hope it brings.
By
Amorette

...why you are not able to forgive and forget the past.
...why your life is driven by society's expectations.
...how some people are money focussed.
...how the youth have no direction or respect.
...what answers are there to make change in this world.
...where do we look for these answers.
...can we survive the current global issues unfolding.
...what can we do to save this planet.
... about the future of our children.
...our world has sped up in the last 100 years.
...what is the truth about the earth and our universe.
...can man save the plant from destruction.
...how,when,where,why and what you can do to make change.
...i do, lets hope for a wonderful end to this world we share.

I am thinking pancakes would be nice this morning, golden syrup dripping down the edges, the rich buttery flavour so much rounder and more fulfilling than maple syrup! Oh, and a quick squeeze of lime to add an accent and a counterpoint that bounces off the fragrance of the coffee, tapestry of tastes and scents that fills my head...

Ah yes. My head.It keeps coming back to that. Each pathway. Every train of thought. The ways and thoroughfares I wander always end up there with thoughts I am not pepared to think yet sneaking up behind me, going BOO.

I still have not cried. There was one tear, just one, that slipped out gently and slid past my temple to hide inside my ear while I waited, immobile, for them to bring the dye that would brighten up their pictures.

It was not a tear of feeling or discomfort, it did not sting or burn with salt or passion, just dripped down like knowledge and acceptance, a quiet yes that wrapped me in the space I need to gather my resources, find my questions and stop from running, screaming, naked into the night of terror that capers, gibbers on the edges waiting for me to forget that nothing new has happened.

What is now, was yesterday and last week only now I want to have an opinion about it. Sun rose, light may have come through a window, but nothing has changed from what it was. And nothing will ever be the same.

My friends in NY used to hate me when I'd do this. Dismantle moments right down to the heartbeat. Searching for the now that lacks opinion, just observes and labels, dispassionate yet strangely gentle where breath comes in, goes out and I am cherished in the silent pause where nothing happens, nothing changes.

Each moment is a tiny dot but link them all together and I have a line to live by, to guide me forward so i do not flail and break myself upon the armoured walls of fear.

Maybe bacon with those pancakes....

I would like to say thank you to those of you who, reading these blogs, have sent notes and flowers of caring and support. I am working to be open to the lessons in this and two are becoming clear, I need to embrace my need to bend before the storm instead of fighting to face it down, and I need to let others do for me sometimes.
My sister called me last night and offered to come over from St. Lucia to drive for me over the next few days. My immediate response was I cannot ask you to do that. She said, you can, you are my sister and I love you so i said thank you.

And I have just this second started to cry.

No one knows whats in my heart,
or seems to care to find out.
only the ones that i've lost,
truly knows what I'm all about.

I struggle to find that happy face,
to hide the everyday pain.
hoping to hide my lonely heart,
that's driving me insane.

Why is it so hard for me,
to find a love that's true,
someone that could want me
Please help me find the clue.

I was watching one of those late night interview shows a few weeks back and the subject was, knowing your next meal would be your last supper, what would you have? I sort of scoffed at it at first, then I started thinking how difficult a decision that might be. Now, we know all the hollywood versions of the condemed prisioners last supper and all that, but this was a serious question and to watch some of the folks struggle with the question, I realized just how hard it would be.

Food has never been an enemy of mine and after I got past my picky eating stage (thanks to the mess halls of the US Army) I found that there were not that many different foods that I could not find a way to enjoy, but to narrow it down to the last meal I would ever have on the face of this earth ... wow, that is tough, but I finally figured it out. It really wasen't the food so much as it would be how it was served.

When I was a kid, growing up on a farm, we still had a few old country traditions that were still in play and I think I'd have to revert to my favorite breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon, fried chicken, and mashed potato's with green beans too. Yeah, when you get up at 4:30am and go spend your first two hours of the day in a barn, shoveling our manure, feeding cattle, getting the tractors and farm impliments hooked up and ready, the food becomes a point of focus and seems to make you work a lot faster and a lot harder.

So why such a simple combination? Well, only my grandmother could fry chicken the way we all loved it and only my mother could make those eggs and bacon just right. And my dad, he would go out and pick a bunch of greenbeans fresh out of the garden and find the best potato's we had in the cold storage bins; so you see, that meal really isn't so much about the food as it would be to see those three very special folks, all together, doing what they loved, that one last time. Yeah, I couldn't top that meal if I tried.

So, aside all the mushy stuff ... tell us all what YOUR last meal would be like ...

I am a lover of peace and carressing
Think hugging and holding a blessing
I will walk with you down any street
And laugh and joke and your friends meet

I am a rebel with many a cause in life
I know others have trouble and strife
I so love to fish and to swim and play
And life is for living every day

A poetess the rebellady lady will be
Speaking of love gentle and free
Her smile is for any with love in their heart
Come and say hello it is such a good start


ann
always a rebellady

Genesis Chapter 1
1 ¶ In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

JEREMIAH 4
23 I beheld the earth, and, lo, it was without form, and void; and the heavens, and they had no light.
24 I beheld the mountains, and, lo, they trembled, and all the hills moved lightly.
25 I beheld, and, lo, there was no man, and all the birds of the heavens were fled.
26 I beheld, and, lo, the fruitful place was a wilderness, and all the cities thereof were broken down at the presence of the LORD, and by his fierce anger.
27 For thus hath the LORD said, The whole land shall be desolate; yet will I not make a full end.

Isaiah 45
18 For thus saith the LORD that created the heavens; God himself that formed the earth and made it; he hath established it, he created it not in vain, he formed it to be inhabited: I am the LORD; and there is none else.

Nahum 2
10 She is empty, and void, and waste: and the heart melteth, and the knees smite together, and much pain in all loins, and the faces of them all gather blackness

Zechariah 12:
1 The burden of the word of the LORD for Israel, saith the LORD, which stretcheth forth the heavens, and layeth the foundation of the earth, and formeth the spirit of man within him.

Psalms 33
6 By the word of the LORD were the heavens made; and all the host of them by the breath of his mouth

Job 26
7 He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, hangeth the earth upon nothing.

2 And the earth was (or possible became) without form, and void;
and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

2Peter 3
5 For this they willingly are ignorant of, that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of the water and in the water:
6 Whereby the world that then was, being overflowed with water, perished:

3 ¶ And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Psalm 33
9 For he spake, and it was ; he commanded, and it stood fast.

Eeyore is a delightfully dismal donkey. Eeyore doesn't see himself as gloomy -- he just has realistic expectations. He expects nothing from anybody, so whenever his friends do come to his aid his expectations are met beyond his realistic expectations, and he is sincerely grateful. Eeyore's tiny bright pink bow on his tail, the one hint of color against his gray, is a perfect symbol of the kernel of joy that occasionally surfaces in Eeyore. Though he may pretend he's helping because there's nothing better to do -- make no mistake, Eeyore is always there for his friends.