Ambivalence: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay ( Archived) (290)

Yeah. But for me explanations - or trying to get them - helps. For me, understanding what happened is my path to peace.

No, it doesn't make sense Ambrose.

What you word in a way to make you appear super reasonable is in fact SUPER LOADED by infering all sorts of stuff. THAT's why it is perceived as an attack and falls on deaf ears. Because emotional blackmail and manipulation have NEVER been the way to communicate honestly within a relationship, whatever its kind and whatever stage it's at. Genuine discussions should NOT be loaded and should be completely transparent.


Usually, when asking for advice, one should pay attention to what one doesn't want to hear, not to what re-inforces our already preconceived ideas and fits nicely with what we've chosen to believe. Otherwise, one would not be asking for advice, but for validation. 2 completely different things which are prompted by completely different motivations. Both are ok. As long as one is clear what the motivation is AND whether one is looking for validation or advice. Kidding oneself that one is looking for advice when in fact one is looking for validation, isn't going to help resolve anything (within or outwards). Honesty with self is the first step towards resolve. Without it, one keeps on going in ever decreasing circles.

IMO

I can tell you that I deserve a pizza. (and maybe some beer, Canadian of course)

I think you both deserve an apology, to and from each other. All this 'holding' of positions for control is detrimental to you both. I guess if detriment doesn't bother either of you, then my point is moot.

The more time that both of you spend on squeezing out every last ounce of apology, every last ounce of pride and every last ounce of sanity, is equivalent to the amount of time it will take you both to recover your own essence as loving individuals. You can't destroy other people, you can only destroy your self, though truthfully you can help each other in synchronicity to self destruct.

There is, and will always be interplay between emotion and logic. Both parties used phrases and terms that cast the other in unfavorable light, when in truth there is no wrong in emotion, no wrong in logic. What is wrong is treating emotion and or logic, as wrong.

Your own brain is made up of a logical, linear side (left brain) and a conceptual, emotional side (right brain). When you speak ill of either logic or emotion, you are in effect telling your own brain to attack the side you 'think' is wrong. Oh I can't live with that stupid emotion, oh I can't live with that stupid logic. <-- your brain hating itself...aka you.

You are not engaging in just mutual self destruction, you both are literally self destructing. You may be thinking your battle is with each other; but it is not, you have simply agreed albeit unwittingly in mutual self destruction.

This is a truly awesome event really, a union of two minds harmonized for destruction. Yes I said harmonized. Weird huh. Whether you guys realize it or not, you are both doing things (and lovingly at that) for one another in every moment you spend together. It's just a matter of what you want to build cos even destruction is building something, perhaps ill health or lousy self esteem, but something nevertheless.

So destroy or build you two! You actually do have choice. You actually are manifesting your future with every word you choose and you actually are in an awesome synchronicity with each other aiding and abetting, ... and enabling a common goal.



Ah, the mind never rests, it only finds what it perceives and believes to be restful.

Now, where's my pizza dammit!!?

Wow!!! You must know both of them very well to be able to make such accurate and decisive judgements

There is partial truth in this depending on the 'depth' of the relationship. For instance a recently met acquaintance would fall into your statement guidelines. A deeper relationship requires at least one to be in control. Viewing it as being forced is I think, a poor line of thought that speaks more to whether or not one is a more dominant or submissive personality.

The universe functions on opposites and it does so rather majestically. To rule out someone being in 'control' is to rule out life 'force' itself. Frankly I think humans have gotten so lost over what they think is obnoxious control that they may never really find love because they want control more. (wanting control is the same as not wanting to be controlled) They must co-exist, love and control. People tend to miss a great deal of the things that ARE controlling them, things that speak very much of a lack of self control.



The universe is synchronicity. It takes two always. The underlined part is total right brain thinking Logic would say - you want to stop talking with someone, you just stop talking, otherwise something else is controlling one's need to respond. (maybe an emotion) There's that ugly control word again. It just goes unnoticed by the conscious mind.



Oh ya. More right brained thinking. Women are soooo womany. Oddly you can't do this on your own any more than you can fall in love on your own. The other person has to buy into it, either consciously or not.

What is problematic in normal relationships (jmo) is that control dynamics are rarely discussed and arranged beforehand, leaving both parties with a struggle for power when those random moments, of who should win or get to choose, arrive. Me thinks it is the downfall of most marriages/significant relationships. Failure to plan, is a plan to fail and all that.

You've mentioned many times about the downfall of most "normal relationships" is the fact that who has (ultimate) controle within the relationship has not been established.

Are you telling me that relationships where one is dominant and the other subserviant are very successful? Why are you on CS? Why are there soooooooooooo many peeps out there also looking for "non-notmal" relationships? Surely the first one they got into should still be going strong and the happy couple should be either "mastering" or "serving" with a big happy smile on their faces