PERIL... enter at your own risk! ( Archived) (77)

spiceygamble: JB, forget the men... run away with me.
I love ya!

spiceygamble: Well, I am a PT.


I luv you hunny. Don't mind the guys. At a certain point, they begin to switch roles with us. They stop being the aggressor and we find ourselves feeling pressure to step up. It's a thankless role... but there it is. Everyone gets tired of hearing "no" and they sort of wear out.

Ambrose2007: Hi, JB!

This is an extension of the thread you started a little while ago - and a variation on the theme of some of our private conversations.

Most of your respondents are of course very well-meaning, but seem to be unaware that you're not asking for compliments or cheerleading (or are you? ), but are actually presenting a serious dilemma and asking a serious question. They don't seem to hear that at least part of you is not happy with the situation as it stands (or you won't be authoring these threads).

I think it's clear that you're torn between two rather conflicting worlds: that of the social butterfly, and that of the serious relationship. Right now you've chosen to reside in the former, but you long for the latter (or some aspects of the latter). The fact is that your current lifestyle requires a considerable amount of time and energy; the fact is that a serious relationship requires a considerable amount of time and energy. So if you wished to have a serious relationship, you would need to reduce the amount of time and energy devoted to your "lighter" relationships.

It's not so much about "signals," I think, as it is about two very different lifestyles (though your social butterfly lifestyle does signal "not interested in serious relationship at this time"). It's not about your hypothetical significant other being jealous or unwilling to accept your legions of man friends. It's really about time and energy. If you were to require your significant other to develop relationships with all your friends and to more or less join you in mid-stride in your busy social calendar, you wouldn't have any time for each other. Something has to give - kind of a Newtonian conservation of energy thing. Perhaps later, when your S.O. is integrated into your life, you could resume a more partyish lifestyle, if that suit both of you, but at least for the initial bonding stages a lot of time/energy is needed.

So I think what you have to do is honestly appraise what you truly want.

Jeff

Ambrose2007: Right, JB, as someone who prefers more intimate get-togethers to parties and activities with large groups, I probably am viewing your situation from a somewhat biased vantage point. Of course there are guys who enjoy socializing (most far more than I!), so I doubt that would be a problem.

It's pretty obvious, though, that your present routine doesn't work well for meeting serious guys. Possibly part of the problem is where and how you play isn't ideal for meeting such men. I'm not sure what activities are available there, but perhaps some activities might be more amenable to meeting relationship-guys than, say, attending bars/restaurants... How about book-reading night at the local library? I'm only half-kidding. In the past, I found the least likely place to find a suitable lady was at a bar/nightclub...but then that's doubtless due in part to my tastes in women.

I think being "smoke-free" and in good physical shape significantly enlarges the pool of possible suitors, but I suspect that's only a small percentage of the problem here.

Interesting thought-experiment - thought-experiment only! - if you had to choose between a busy/fulfilling social life and a serious relationship, which would you choose, Jacquie? An easy way to clearly view your true priorities, I'm thinking....