I once had a bag of monkeys
They were mostly well behaved
Until - one day - I took them to the racetrack
(Where quite a few of them escaped!)

One of them he
Went up a tree
And would not come down again
I waited for a long time
Until I could wait no longer
And I had to walk away

Another got onto a stable roof
And sat there taunting me
Then disappeared out of sight
(I heard him laugh with glee)

Then yet another
(Encouraged by the others)
Leaped from the sack
And made good his getaway

He jumped onto an old man's hat
And from there to a penciller's shoulder
Then hid inside a bookie's bag
(This only made him bolder)

(There were only a few left now
And they wanted to join their troupe)

"No way" (I said) "Settle down
That's enough mischief for today"
"Please" (they said) "Now let us out -
For we only want to play!"

"Maybe" (I said)
"But It seems that I
Cannot trust you lot at all-
Based on what I've seen today"

"Besides you've set my nerves on edge,
So now I need a beer -
(And by the way, am I the only one,
Who's thinking clearly here?")

"Fair enough" - the monkeys said
(As I took them to the bar)
"But can we have a drink as well-
As we have come this far?"

"It would seem fair" (I said to them)
"But you must be well behaved"
"We'll all be good" (they said to me)
"We will not act depraved"

"OK" (I said) "Then I'll let you out-
Though you'll all
Have to settle down -
And only two at a time"

"For two is company
And threes a crowd
(As you lot well know)
So come and gather round"

Cautiously I opened the bag
And let the first two monkeys out
Then cheekily (one said to me)
"I think it is your shout"

"Water for you two only" ( I told them)
"You're bad enough as it is -
And if you don't entirely mind
Sit there and mind your biz"

No sooner had they got their drinks
Then one it jumped the bar!
He grabbed a bottle of champagne
And poured it in a jar

Of course I tried to stop him quick
But soon he drank the lot
Then he smashed all of the glasses
And started throwing sh*t!

Well security - they threw him out,
And he wound up in the car park
(That was the last I saw of him -
Even though I sent a scout)

The other one sat on his bar stool
And quietly sipped his water
Then all of a sudden he jumped up
And stole a lady's fascinator!

He put the thing on his head
And then ran round and round
Then he was off and on the track
(They could not pin him down)

Now embarrassed I sat quiet
And stared into my beer
Then I said to the last one in the bag
"Why on Earth did I bring you here?"

The last monkey in the bag
Well, then he said to me:
"I cannot vouch for my friends-
So can you please now set me free?"

"Sure," I said "Your welcome now-
And trouble I can do without"
With that, I upended the bag
And that last monkey - he jumped out!

(Moral of the story?):
Don't take too many monkeys to the racetrack.


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