My wife was screaming at me "Leave! Get out of this house", she ordered!
As I was walking out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death"!!!
I turned around and replied "Ahh so you've changed your mind - so now you want me to stay"?
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Dear Abby,
Tom, My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters.
I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off!
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby ?
Your advice would be appreciated..... Mad as Hell!
Dear Mad as Hell,
You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man.
I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.!
Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan, and try to act like a lady!
Remember....... you`re running for President of the United States, so try acting like one !
Abby
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
Deer Hunting Question
If I shoot a buck, but I only have a doe tag, can I claim that the buck wasn't really a buck??? I mean … maybe he'd always wanted to be a doe, but with no choice of his own he was born with the physical attributes of a male. And yet … on the inside he'd always known he was truly a female.
I'm just wondering if the game warden will buy this concept, because society and the Supreme Court has.
What do you think?
I baked two pumpkin pies yesterday morning, Thanksgiving Day! I want to thank everyone on here who gave me input on baking the pies! My family loved them!
They were very tasty especially with "cool whip" for the topping! I have some pie left over. Anyone want some?
Does anyone on here have a delicious pumpkin pie recipe? If so, would you please share it on here? For Thanksgiving on Thursday, I have been designated by one of my daughters to make homemade pumpkin pies! I told her I would buy a couple of pies but she was insistent that I make them from scratch! I can cook and bake but have never tried to make pumpkin pie.
Thanks for your help!
Well boys and girls! We got our first snowfall over night and it is still snowing. We got 12" +. Supposed to get another 3-5 inches today. This storm is headed East! Be very careful if you have to travel in this!
Beer
Not To Be Taken Lightly.
Now, as if everything else wasn’t bad enough, we find out that beer isn’t good for us? Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued - over nothing.
2) Refused - to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained - weight.
4) Talked - excessively without making sense.
5) Became - overly emotional
6) Couldn't - drive.
7) Failed - to think rationally, and
8) Had - to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary!!
The hospital's consulting dietitian was giving a lecture to several community nurses in a hospital.
'The garbage we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Soda attacks your stomach lining. Lots of foods are loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilizers and pesticides and none of us realizes the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives.
Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, 'Wedding cake.'
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!
Can you think of a reason for not sharing this?
Neither could I.
Gentlejim Blog (705)
May you have a wonderful day and many more birthdays!!!