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To Make you Smile

Caught Speeding


Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying IDIOT!! told you I was speeding too.



The Most Stupid Man On Earth


There was a flood in a village.

One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!”

The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!”

"No" replied the man. God will save me!

The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.

A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.”

No, God will save me!” he said

Eventually he died by drowning.

He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?”

God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”
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Who's The Boss

"A Most Wonderful Day!"

One morning a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is today."
"Of course I do!" the husband indignantly replied as he went out the door.
At 11:00 that day the doorbell rang and when the woman answered it she was handed a box full of long stemmed red roses with a card that said: " From your loving husband."
At 1:00 again the doorbell rang and she was handed a foil wrapped box of her favorite chocolates with another card stating " May this be the sweetest day of your life" from your loving husband.
Later that afternoon, a boutique delivered a designer dress to her.
The woman was so ecstatic she could hardly wait for her husband to come home.
When he walked in the door she ran up to him and said " Oh honey! First the flowers, then the candy and then the beautiful dress! Thank you so much! I have never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!"


"Dreamy"
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".


"Who's the Boss?"
The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

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A Little Humor For The Day

I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.yay

I'm so bright my mother calls me son.blushing

My eyelids are so sexy, I can't keep my eyes off them.flirty

What fits your schedule better......Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?rolling on the floor laughing

Silence is golden, Duct tape is silverhmmm
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Yummy Pizza

Last week, a friend of mine invited me to go to this bar and grill where they sell home made pizzas 50% off on Wed. Also a certain brand of beer was 50% off. We were seated outdoors on the beach. Beautiful day! Waitress took our order for pizza and a beer. You can pick your own toppings. We picked pepperoni, green olives, mushrooms and sausage. Well they make you wait a long time for your pizza so you drink lots of beer, which we did not. (Glad buttercup wasn't with us) rolling on the floor laughing Any how, the wait was worth it!yay I have to say it was one of the best pizza I have ever eaten!yay They put chunks of Italian sausage on it! Magnifico! It wasn't a large pizza. Only 12 inches but we couldn't eat it all because of so much topping! My buddy and I had 2 beers each and the pizza. The bill came to $9.50. What a deal?????? I don't know how they make any money on this except a lot of people drink a lot of the 1/2 priced beer. Going there again this Wed, weather permitting.yay

How many pizza lovers out here in CS land?

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Have a great Monday or Tuesday!
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Help To Mend A Broken Heart

Many times when I come onto the blogs, I hear of sad stories of people whose hearts has been broken! I found some great quotes maybe to help these individuals! Are you suffering through an aching heart or know someone who is? These quotes will help you ease the pain and move on again.

We have all been there. No one is immune from a broken heart.
At some time in our lives someone hurts us, or we hurt them, and we feel like rolling into a little ball on the floor in a heap of tears.
The good news is the heart does heal. And we can find the courage to love again.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."

"When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal."

"A final comfort that is small, but not cold: The heart is the only broken instrument that works."

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."


Remember....You are a creation of God, "fearfully and wonderfully made". If you ever question your worth as a person, remember that God makes nothing but the best and He loves you!

Have a wonderful, blessed day!
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The Word UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is..."UP"
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election ?
Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, we brighten UP a room and polish UP the silver.
We warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And these UPs are confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.
In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.
It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more uses.
I could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, because for now my time is UP, so.....Time for me to shut UP!confused confused
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Smile God Loves You

"What Smells?"

A young couple decided to wed.
As the big day approached they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.
I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth.
The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth.
Not a word," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.
Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.
That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.
Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.
This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

"New Hiccup Treatment?"

A woman went to doctors office.
She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.
He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"I cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"

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To Make You Smile

"Revelation!"

I have just figured out WHY I have gained so much weight!
The shampoo I use in the shower everyday, that runs down my body, says “for EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.” !!
I think I will be going to the store tomorrow to buy some DAWN Dishwashing Liquid to wash with, because it says: “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE" !

"The Job Interview"

A man had an interview at a large company.
In looking over his application the HR Representative said: "Well, in looking over your work history I see you have been fired from every job you have held!"
"Yes." the man said
"Well, how would you explain that?" said the HR Rep."There isn't much positive about that work history!"
"Sure there is !" says the man. "It shows that I am not a quitter!"

"So Brave!"
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Miller turned to his wife..."Show him your tooth, Honey."rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing wave wave wave
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Jokes To Make You Smile

"Touche!"

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started saying: "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said BE CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?

The husband calmly replied, " Well...I just wanted to show you what I feel like when I'm driving with you in the car!"


"Geneology?"

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they all developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

"Can't Take It With You?"

There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, and she went over to the casket and put it in.
Then the undertaker locked the casket down, and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "Girl, now I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put all the money in the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me that you really did it !!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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Watching 10PM News With A Blond

I was setting in this bar chatting with this blond having a beer. At 10PM the late night news came on. At the top of the news they showed this woman threatening to jump off this tall building. Everyone was shouting and trying to talk her down but she kept threatening to jump.

I said to the blond that I had been talking with: "I will bet you $10 that she jumps." The blond said "ok I will bet you she won"t." I said "deal". A few minutes later the woman jumped. So I said to the blond: "I told you so". I asked her why she thought the woman wouldn't jump? She said, earlier, I watched the 6PM news and the same woman jumped then.

(ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?)


She said to me: "I didn't think she would jump again".

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