Most Viewed Humor Poems (1,865)

There is a guy named Fred,
He offered a girl his bed.
'twas quite a surprise
When he saw with his eyes,
The girl was a man instead.

When your day seems long and your patience is short...
When everything seems wrong and you want to abort...
When listening to a new song that just makes you snort...
When you hear about King Kong and think it's a sport... Shove Off!

When life delivers a myriad of obstacles to hard to endure,
and your doctor recommends that you take a case of Ensure... Shove Off!

When 'getting up' for work is tougher than the work you're to do,
and looking in a mirror leaves you asking whose looking at you... Shove Off!

When you feel like a walk through cold pouring down rain,
sounds better than a soothing hot shower to ease your pain.... Shove Off!

When a friend or your partner or even your dear loving child,
asks a simple favor of you and you're tempted to go wild.... Shove Off!

There's a cruise ship docked somewhere prepared...
for a passenger like you, who of life is now scared...
You'll never know the relief of agony you'll be spared...
Until you board that ship with your sea nostrils flared...."Shove Off!"

BON VOYAGE!

Hi
Names Jebediah Claptrap
I'm mighty sick and tired of raisin barns
Churning butter, plowing fields, and raising 12 children
So I struck out and found a life among the English
First I was an Amish and now I am a day trader
I used to drive a buggy pulled by a horse
Now I have a Mercedes with a 445 horse engine
Varoom!
I still worship the lord
But instead of working by the sweat of my brow in the hot sun
I work in an air conditioned office in a luxury chair
When asked if I miss the Amish life I used to have
All I have to say is
Nope!

Is what the doctor described, as me.
I went for a 2nd opinion, to challenge
His hypocrisy.
How dare he say im dysfunctional,
He knows nothing about me.
I know there are some issues,
In my own family.
Like my grandma often runs around town
Completely naked, as we have found.
There is a explanation, you see.
She was a nudist, in the 60's
Who believed in peace, love & unity.

Then there's my brother,
what a cool dude.
He has an "imaginary friend"
who we call "drew".
They often come for dinner, &
hang out with the family
We ask him, when will he ever, get rid of "drew"
Since he will soon turn 52.

My sister, I love her dearly,
has been a career criminal,
Since the age of 13.
The last crime she committed,
was a bit embarrassing,
It seems.
She stole from a homeless man,
to give to, the needy.

The family pet which we named
Sasoon,
That we thought was a cat,
Is actually a racoon.

I could go on about my parent's,
Who've been a role model to me.
Unfortunately they are incarcerated,
In a psychiatric facility.
They will soon be out, though
Locked up since 03.
For public lewd misbehavior,
Just a little discrepancy.

Clinically dysfunctional
No way,
that could never be me.

I got a kiss from a little girl,
I was twenty and she was twelve,
I smell jasmine scent on her face,
She blushes and pull my hair!



I am her knight in pajamas,
Little did I know that I would be her victim,
A crush on that age would be so enormous,
One day she would shudder at the thought of kissing a frog!

Come join us at the long table with torches
hung from castle walls
Bare foot maidens dressed in velvet and white
Tis an evening we'll spend in enraptured delight
Harpists will play as black panthers look on
The knights pour the coffee dancing with song
Come take your first drink from goblets of gold
And toast to your spirit this potion so bold
The first sip has you floating as cloud horses
sweep you up
Another sip and you'll be happy we filled the
whole cup
A marching band of purple ants step in cadence
across your fingers
You slipped your mind in your pocket and for
the evening it lingers
The toothpick people had the wizzard arrested
But it never went to trial and was never contested
So drink up O maidens and knights do the same
And fret not of the stories of those gone insane.

Slightly cloudy with a chance of rain
Dismal skies colored in gray
Gently pierced by flaming swords of a hidden sun
Where inspiration has gathered my strength to move on
I march with determination, one foot in front of the other
Throwing my hopes and its weights over my shoulders
Beginning my journey to where the land meets the sea
Following the imprints of man here before me
I fear nothing now, not the current nor the waves
I stand here with my rod before you on this day
Casting this life way high into the skies
To land in the depths created by tides
What creature stalks my pray as I patiently await
A look at life's last moments living afraid
The deeper I get I move with the water
Becoming one with reflections in it's glorious power
Feeling the tugs no time to make a choice
Stripped of my moment I cried out in an utterly voice
Enraged I throw down my rod and I quickly grabbed my spear
I lost my patience with bait and now my dinner is here

Excessive is my love of thee
Leading me away from sorrow
Whenever I see your face in film
I fantasize about the thrill
What gives you grace is mine
When you walk onto the stage
I surrender to a helpless maze
What a vagabond can surmise

So why do stars discover time
When all light is seen at night
Can you be my guiding light
Across the scapes of Mars
That which plucks from Plato's harp
Or strums like Clapton's guitars
Let's dance dance my love
Like creatures of Renoir
Be all that my love and more

Let's drift like waves upon a shore
Each ripple one on top another
In your embrace melts sweet amour
As we lay and start to explore
The meaning we give to love
Is higher than its tidal bore
With all our ecstasy we give
To love too hot to ignore

Far more content since I've picked up a pen.
Oh no! Here comes my critic again!

"You and your thoughts are so vile!,
U cant evun spel and have another profile!"

So sorry to encrypt all my feeling
To comprehend is far past your ceiling.


I will call out your bluff,
playing comic book poker.
I am Batman

....and YOU are the Joker.