Humor Poems (1,876)

Lazy old grandpa sat to sleep
Light rain wets in the double beep
tickle flew in a fly
Old eyes said good-by
Big toe wiggled the target deep

Flamingos legs are tall and thin
Why should the curves be on their chin?
Watch them on one leg
Lifting two is no bet
Falling birds would have always been

Scarecrows are ugly as can be
In a moonlight sky, they are free
They give you goose bumps
Better take a light or jump
For Halloween, best to pee

Sharks are large predators at sea
Son pulls daddy and sits on knee
Afraid to swim, Daddy?
No Son, that's my gabby
These Two pictures shows how you flee
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Spaghetti: "I'm the one that wiggles into the salads. When they
eat me, they really feel full.

Tomato " Spaghetti, I may be chubby, but I do shine here with
my friend lettuce, giving a lot of coloring to a delicious
salad".

Carrot "I really catch up on the orange color, but celery
adds some extra flavors when we join together".

Lettuce " My designed leaves add beauty to salads with all the
decorations".

Onions " I'm not favored in many salads, but along with a red
pepper we can really spice them up."

Celery "Many like to chop me up and dip me in a creamy sauce."

Pasta "My body has so many forms, curls, cylinders, oval faces in
between. When I enter the beauty salon, they soften me up
and then I can fill up a banquet..."

Potatoes "Well I make a match with most anything, yet when I
get mashed, I can really comfort hard eggs all together"

Eggs "After they boil me they can cut me into slices or ground
me down to fill in several salads".

Strawberry "I am usually the top of the iceberg, giving that
ultimate finishing".

Just putter gooder one on there
What are we talking about
The storm door on my house
With a trap door for a mouse
Why heavens sake do that for
Justa gonna ruin a good door
Still better than the one before
When a big snow comes around
The cat don’t want out no more
That’s the craziest thing I heard
You sure you don’t know for sure
Nope I can’t say for sure no more

I won't respond if you say this or that, I won't
be available for nonsense chat, I won't accept
text or anything next, I won't reply if I think you
lie, I won't be here to communicate, I won't, I
won't...this is so......why am I alone?....I just
don't know.

So who will give their pixel up
Not one or two or three or five
or six or seven or eight or nine
Maybe ten will split the litttle squeak
can never have too many hens

If ya like to stare
then take the dare
and split a tire or two
cause he's about to lay her out
and there aint nothin you can do
He's gonna start real slow
gettin her wet and all squirelly
get ready cause shes sure about surely
gonna give dat Bing da Bot Bam Boom
To bang for a measily buck ride or two
And if that aint enough to make you choke
then listen up close ya all hear me now folk
We havent even gotten to the part thats rottten where
little lady slides over where we hit first gear
And we're just coastin to the startin line

Now methinks her grumble and that Hemi's rumble
Might exsplain why they be talkin bout that Ol' Fenders Flap
cause bout this time that youngin girl just made a move
Whilst twilights tinker is eyeballin the stinker
That ol chap is thinkin about taken a lap
He revs his gas knowin that shes a real drinker
Hot Lottery Damn! Shes a hook line and sinker
Dat Boy revved so hard fire came out of dem pipes
As he approaches the startin line

Oh, how I love to laugh out loud
Not at the expense of others but maybe
at...myself...well...thats...ok

I often enjoy having a little giggle,
when reflecting on funny times that may have
long gone by
and I find myself laughing until I cry.

It feels so good to laugh out loud,
And, also great to spread some joy so
here’s hoping that you catch this happy bug,
that you encourage it and long may it stay
Joy dispelling any gloom that you feel to
blow any dark clouds far away

A mountain full of gold, just double it up but still won’t be enough for a man

The Flying Dutchman glides on waves.
That image haunts me for many days,
It raises questions
And some quests work
Who is this strange wandering shade ?

Where is his harbor or his port?
Maybe he is reckless?
Maybe not.
Is he not too welcoming?
No, rather silent and strange .
Can he not come back ?
It doesn't matter anyway.
Is he a corvette,
Galleon, caravel or frigate?
Nobody knows it,
But yet I confess
He really exists
As a shade,
Drifting in my dreams

NOW THIS IS THE TALE OF YOUNG FREDDIE BLOOR.
WHOSE s*xual PARTS GOT JAMMED IN A DOOR.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD FREED HIM, HE DIN'T FEEL WELL,
FOR HIS POOR PRIVATE PARTS WE'RE ALL MANGLED TO HELL.

THEY RUSHED HIM TO HOSPITAL, THE AMBULANCE FLEW.
BY THE TIME THEY HAD GOT THERE, THERE WAS NOTHING THEY COULD DO.
POOR OLD FRED WITHOUT ANY CHOICE,
LEADS A LIFE OF NO SEX AND HAS A HIGH SQUEAKY VOICE.

BUT LUCKY FOR FRED, SO HE WOULDN'T FEEL A FOOL,
SOME BRIGHT SPARK INVENTED A BIONIC TOOL.
A BRIGHT NEW SHINY ONE, MADE OUT OF BRASS,
THOUGH THE BATTERIES WOULD HAVE TO BE KEPT UP HIS ARSE.

SO NEWLY EQUIPPED AND AFTER A REST,
FRED THOUGHT HE'D PUT HIS NEW TOOL TO THE TEST.
FINDING A WOMAN, THE NEAREST ONE HANDY,
HE PLIED HER WITH DRINK AND MADE HER FEEL RANDY.

SHE UNDID HIS ZIP AND PUT HER HAND ON HIS C**K,
BUT WHEN SHE WAS DOWN THERE, SHE HAD A BIG SHOCK!
"THAT'S MY BIONIC CHOPPER." FRED SAID. "AIN'T IT A BIG ONE?
COR BLIMEY SHE SAID. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A GUN!

SO F*****G AWAY FRED TURNED TO FULL BLAST.
HE DID NOT KNOW HID C**K WOULD NOT LAST.
WITH A "BANG!" FRED'S LEFT BOLLOCK SHOT INTO THE AIR,
THEY COULD NOT FIND THE OTHER NO BLOODY WHERE.

SO BACK TO THE HOSPITAL TO SEE WHAT THEY COULD DO.
"WE HAVE A SPARE ONE, THAT'S LUCKY FOR YOU".
SO ONCE MORE EQUIPPED AND AFTER A READ,
FRED CONNECTED HIS TOOL TO A PLUG AND A MAINS LEAD.

GOOD OLD FRED, NOW HE DON'T HAVE TO TRY,
FOR NOW HE'S AC/DC AND CAN GO WITH A GUY.

THE END.