Humor Poems (1,868)

THE DADDY LONG LEGS
Those little strange creatures that never lay still
will not die cannot kill.
Cause they always seem to revive from the almost dead
those slim line insects with the gangliest of legs.
While just getting comfy they buzz and annoy
irritate or unsettle like some secret ploy.
Its always the face or the fresh groomed hair
they don't worry they don't care
You swat you shoe but they just won't go
creeping from high crawling from low
They sneak through gaps a vent a door
a slight opened window a crack in the floor.
They pretend to perish as cool as they like
and when you least expect return back to strike .
Either washing down plugholes or thrown in a bin
it makes no use they replenish with a grin
to get you to that manical state
absolute seething totally irate .
When morning comes it gives respite at least
from this small living being that acts like a beast.
So next time when conditions are ripe for those foes
best cover up from your head to the tip of your toes .

My favorite bit on David Letterman
Was when his announcer said
This is stupid!
Then he puts on a bicycle helmet
Rides a tandem bike
He flips Dave off
Yelling "Later A#$!@#$!
I am going to miss Dave
Not as much as I still miss Johnny Carson
My two favorite guests for this last week
Bill Murray and Jim Carrey
Both hilarious!

, Not to take away the other mans brother jim,I too have a bro called Jim,

My bro jim is a happy chappy I used to have to change his nappy.

He loved to scream so I fed him a block of ice cream .

His teeth nearly rotted from the sugar Ion his dummy,

He used to hide on mummy,

Once we found him on a train ,

Said he was going to Spain,

Happy jim we call him,

Except when I annoy him , then he would roar and pace the floor

Roar roar some more at me ill put some sugar on a dummy

,,,, Like I used to do ,

Yes yes he said that's why my teeth rotten in my head ,

I won't go into his teenage years but its amazing he got past the age of four,

Once he fell down the stairs and hit his head on the glass door,

He has more friends and girlfriends. I've lost count

He is the man about town is my bro jim.

,,,, Work hard play harder is his thing,

, Now things will change for him,

He will be home in a few months

,, A present .
,
He put a baby in his girlfriends belly,

He feels very proud he going to be a daddy ,

, His girlfriend too she will be a mammy,


, I hope he dos'nt. put sugar on his babies dummy.

My bro jim he is funny .

He has a big smile of pearly whites .

I hope they not gone brown and he hasn't been putting sugar on a dummy
,
My bro jim we love him,




By his big sis the real boss ,haha,
,

An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomatoe at him
Tomatoes are soft and usually don't hurt the skin
But this one a 'specially packed in a tin! :-)

Do you ever take the time to look closely at the ants

Just roll up your pants,

So they don't bite you.

I did just that as I sat back in my sun lounger one hot summers day .

I saw hundreds ants come out to play,

Tho they weren't playing they were scurrying around

What were they doing they don't stop to rest,

People poison them and call them a pest.

I looked more closely to see each ant is stratistically doing their job,

But what.

Whatever it is it is important to them.

So I won't pour boiling water over them or feed them with poison.

I just don't want them to come indoors as I think they just might

So I put the sugar and food out of their sight.

EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAS A VEIL
.AN ATOM IS VEILD BY ITS ORBIT.
A CELL IS VEILD BY ITS MEMBRANE.
AN EGG IS GAGED IN ITS SHELL.
A SEED IS VEILD IN ITS SHELL.
THE TEETH IS VEILD BY THE LIPS.
THE EYES BY THE LIDS
THE SUN, VEILD IN THE SKY FROM WHERE IT RISES EACH DAY
HONEY IS VEILD IN THE HONEY COMB.
THE RAIN, VEILD IN THE CLOUDS.
A SPOT IN THE DOT, BEGINS THE FOETUS WONDERFULLY VEILD IN THE UTERUS AWAI TING THAT GLORIOUS MOMENT TO UNVEIL ITSELF TO MOTHER EARTH
AS PRECIOUS STONE VEILS OFF ITS IMPURITIES IN THE KILN
BEFORE IT SHINES
AND AS THE TAMED ANT BUILDS ITS OWN MUNDHILL,
SO SHALL ANYONE UNVEIL HIS OWN DESTINY IF ONE BE REKNOWN.

One by one the contestants lined up
With their pants to mid mast lowered
Here they were, the best of the best
At the Aquim World competition for farting

Three different areas they would all be judged on
For this honour to be World Champion
The judges were ready to sound the bell
And the audience in their seats all excited

The sound it made was deemed important
Whether pitched high, low or an explosive sound
The length sustained was of high importance
But the smell achieved would be the winning glory

First off the rank was the wharfie, Mary the Fairy
Short of stature but wide of girth
Out ripped the farts like from a machine gun
And the smell was quite something to sniff

The audience roared their appreciation
While some on the front seats gagged
The judges conferred, seemed unanimous
The score card they held up read a seven

Next came a lady, well only by name
Her arse took up two seats coming here on the plane
She let forth a rip that droned on and on
For something so loud the smell was gone

The audience groaned, their disappointment clear
They expected something, a quality much better
The judges were quick, up went the card
To her was given nothing better than three

Next was Abdhul Hameed, the driver of camels
A hairy posterior matted with shyte
He let rip with a smell most foul
Then tragedy struck, down his legs it ran

The audience gasped, then yelled in disgust
Rules were broken, this just was not allowed
Up jumped the judges with red card displayed
Abdhul forced to leave with head hung in shame

Patrick Fitzmichael, the Irishman next
A digger of ditches, a man in training for years
The sound was loud, a high pitched squeal
And the smell was rather obnoxious

The crowd went wild as the smell hit them
He was the best this night so far
Nine point five, the judges’ card read
Tonight he was far out in front

The last one to go was a man named Bluey
He was an Aussie, real tall and skinny
The audience booed, what could he do
This skinny roustabout from the bush

His hands reached back and his cheeks opened
The audience gasped as it winked at them
No warning at all, the sound suddenly reached them
Super sonic boom like a jet flying past

From the strength of the blast the first row fell
And the second in their seats were rocked
Shocked were the judges, how could this happen
Never in history had a blast been this strong

On and on the sound kept coming
Would the end never arrive
Then oh my gawd, the smell that followed
One whiff enough and down they fell

The judges from pockets their gas masks they grabbed
Never once they’ve been needed before
On the spot Bluey was given the coveted medal
Of the best farter in the whole wide world

Those still conscious in the audience
Could barely manage a cheer
But Bluey was happy as his pants he lifted
For he still had plenty left to give

I eat peaches for breakfast one before brunch an 3 before dinner an 4 before lunch I eat peaches on my way to school on the dive and into the pool people call me a peach eating fool I eat peaches here I eat peaches there I think there's peaches coming out of my ears an now there's peach juice dripping on my chair I do care ill eat peaches any were cos I eat peaches

one day with my heart beating out of chest speeding behind with all the rest officer pull me aside and I said to him but offer I was not the only one speeding an he just pull out his pad an pen and said with a grind son' have you ever gone fishing ? lol an I drove away thinking man ill never speed again hahaahahahah

JUST ANOTHER SUNDAY; I HOPE SOON; IT WILL BE MONDAY! HERE COMES TUESDAY; JUST ANOTHER, BLUESDAY! HELLO, WEDNESDAY; TIME TO MEET NEW FRIENDS DAY! THURSDAY; I PASS THE HOURS AWAY! FRIDAY; THE WEEKENDS IN SITE, ALRIGHT! AT LAST, IT'S SATURDAY; I DON'T WORKOUT, AND I CAN EAT; WHATEVER I WANT,AND ENJOY A DRINK; BEFORE SUNDAY; PUTS ME, ON THE BRINK!