Humor Poems (1,868)

Frogs jumpover things
But not a truck, squish, squish, squish!
Frog legs ,yum, yum, yum

You dressed up like a woman
You made me laugh with your standup comedy
You yelled "Good Morning Vietnam!"
You were Mork
You told lies that gave people hope in Jacob the Liar
You were an inspiring teacher in Dead Poets Society
You poked fun at politics in Man of the Year
You showed the importance of laughter and kindness in Patch Adams
You left us almost two weeks ago
You were becoming ill
You have a song called The Grim Rapper
Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever in a day
We'd live a life we'd choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way

Ode to Online Dating Sites:

This entity we call dating "online"
Is designed to make us really feel "fine"
But in the larger reality
It may be a form of insanity
We all truly believe it's ok
So we practice everyday

Desiring to make that perfect connection
We have no phone to even hear a voice inflection
It takes a certain amount of conviction
To focus and contemplate our selection
No one wants any rejection only attention
So our minds begin the process of introspection
And that one beautiful exception

Are we holding out for perfection?
Or just dreading a disconnection!
This online dating is like an infection
At some point we may need an inoculation
But not before you complete that chemistry section!
So we know we're heading in the right direction

If we live too far
That may be deal breaker
We don't want to use our car
Because one of us could be a faker
I guess people do get together
In, I presume, all kinds of weather
It all seems so surreal

To believe a profile can appeal
To the one you seek for the rest of your life
Whether it be a husband or a wife
Here's to online dating - "cheers"
I am so glad we are all here!


Wiggle your mouse and contact someone special
It won't be that awful or too stressful
There's always "delete"
So you don't have to repeat
Any mistakes on your way to success
Let's all be very extra careful
And hope we get to that next level!

For my working out routine
On bellydancing I am keen!
Can I swivel, can I sway?
Yes, I've got that part, okay.

'Tis my arms that need follow
or this dance shall ring too hollow.
Graceful, lithe and smooth...
I'll eventually find that groove.

I'll strive to keep at it, yes!
Working hard to do my best.
As I'm moving, I do wonder
Should my man come in from yonder
Will he glance at my dance,
will it put him in a trance?

Oh, dear, I do fear!
This distraction I did ponder,
it has made me twirl asunder.
Now in vain's my dream so dear
For I've fallen on my rear....

The life I’ve led has been so hard
That my body’s quite a wreck
Don’t ask about my state of mind
For up is down and in is side out

So many scars my body cover
I look like a turkey wrapped
I’m sure were it not for all of these
My insides would be on the floor outside

Now you might think I exaggerate
But you should see my left leg
Two rods, four pins, but that’s not all
Twenty seven screws together all hold

My right leg, I’m not sure where’s that
Many years ago was lost
All they gave me was a wooden peg
And with white ants that is riddled

My arms are fine, they work all right
Well, maybe not as good as yours do
It only took thirty three procedures
I swear they had fun slicing and dicing

Even my breasts did not escape
This mad ride called life
With all the ops that they performed
They now bruise my knees

I thought that when the end is near
My body to science I’ll give
Got in touch with the Body Farm
And filled out their application

Wasn’t long before round they came
To see what they’d be getting
Asked if I’d mind stripping off
For an examination so thorough

When out I stepped the woman screamed
And to her knees she dropped
“Holy Mary Mother of God,
Save me from this abomination.”

On she prayed as tears ran
While backwards she was crawling
Finally the door she reached
And down the road she fled

The man just stood there white as a ghost
His mouth wide open hanging
Faint moans escaped his lips
And sweat from his face pouring

Suddenly he turned and ran
As if on his heels Hell’s Hounds
Left his car where it was parked
Just fleeing on his mind

As slowly I dressed again
I pondered what had happened
Did that mean that the Body Farm
Had rejected my application

Tom Fool circa sixteen fifty
This is so wild fandango nifty
Tomfoolery is to crazy behavior like
Shenanigans is to a drunken sailor
Like high jinks is to a drinking game
Of irrefutable Highland Scottish fame
Roughhousing will give a crazy spin
To drunken gambling and a dollar grin

Buffoonery orders a round of drinks
Messing with your mind me thinks
Jack and Jill are still missing links
Horse playing and tumbling down
Trying to find a broken crown
With a little dicking around

Malarkey involving secret codes
Mischief and clownery explodes
There’s that monkey business
We’ll catch you later gator
Trifling gleefully layer by layer
Huge on spells and magic wands
Gotcha! Dear John, Jon, or Juan

Tomfoolery can go way beyond
Normal everyday common insanity
However, it should always remain
Sharp as a razor (more on this later)
With comic fall down slapstick
Added generously for kicks

It's Friday
There is a God!
My week has been
From the other side of
Hell
You’re wondering
Where the hell
Is the other side
of Hell
Pray tell
It’s before you get to
The bottomless pit
And just after your boss
Is a Twit
Oh, don’t pitch a fit
Or get lit
You know I’m right
It’s a blight
The other side of Hell
Exists
Recorded in diabolical
Lists
Desolate and empty
Absent of trendy
Think
As you put your
Mosquito netting
Around your work place
That torturous little space
Now, start letting
Your mind gravitate toward
Drink

Once upon a time I used to snivel
I'd even swivel with a snivel
But the mayor of Snivelsville called
a town meeting
'Hark unto me O thou snivelers of
Snivelsville.'
'Cast thy snot rags to the wind..'
'Let not thy drama torn hairy chest
find thee weeping for that is sin'
Gird up your loins and talk back to
her
Or she'll enslave you to the chinny
chin chin'
'Don't pee pee your pants on her mothers
porch for surely you'll mop it up'
'You are snivelistically out of touch
As you hug and kiss your rubber duck'
Lol

Earthly Beings

I'm searching for an earthly being who would appreciate a space cadet. Sometimes I suffer from loneliness, just to have someone aboard my ship. I’m still looking to explore this thing called sex that all the earthly beings talks so much about. I’m told sex is better enjoyed if shared with others than doing it alone. I guess I’ll find out when the time comes or when the time is right. I’ve been waiting such a long time, but I’m sure it will be worth the wait according to all my friends. My closest connection with mankind over the years has been purely through the written word via internet or spoken by phone, still hoping to change that, but growing old with failed attempts. Looking for that special earthly being who understands that tuna that looks good doesn’t always taste good, yet willing to test the flavor of a chance not taken. The path less traveled might be the best journey; to explore it is to win to ignore it is loose. ….

I like smoking dank especially from a bong but sometimes the bud is too f*cking strong. I know weed is never too strong ,but it can be if you hit it for too long. Whenever I get hella f*cking high my mouth gets super f*cking dry. This is when I need some wet pu**y for my cotton mouth because i'm legendary when it comes to licking down south. It's my motherf*cking gift I promise it'll give your mood a really good lift. As you slowly take off your miniskirt I eat your pu**y till you begin to squirt. When you squirt it reminds me of a water gun because its summer and were having hella fun. Your pu**y is a perfect shade of pink when I lick your pu**y you get wetter than a motherf*cking sink.