Humor Poems (1,868)

When sticks brush
against your window
pane
And moon peaks
through mist
and rain
When shadows glide
accross the
walls
And clinking chains
drag the
halls
When weird figures
walk through
doors
And nails push
up through
hardwood
floors
When unseen things
start playing
that game
And you're about
to go completely
insane
Don't worry
Scare the Ghost!
That's right
Now You're
the Host!
If you call
his bluff
He'll vanish
in a puff
Cause he's
one big sissy
just throwin'
his little hissy
Scare the Ghost!
You'll be glad
you did
Scare the Ghost
He just ran
and hid..
BOO!!

I was heading out to Nowhere Else when I stopped of at Eggs and Bacon Bay. Well blow me down when in walked Delicate Nobby. He was carrying a Chinaman’s Knob.

“I’d better give me CockWash cause I’m suffering from Cockburn,” said he.

At that I thought that it would be better if I left before Tom Ugly turned up looking for a bit of Tittybong.

I reached the Worlds End where I went for Broke and bought a Banana and ate it in my Humpty Doo at Mount Buggery while playing with my Woodie Woodie.

After all that action it was time for a Nap Nap.

Hurry Up
And do your thing
Before the dryer
Buzzes

Life is tough..
I mean really, how much
can a human really endure?
I was cut off in traffic
at 7:00 am..
Stuck in traffic, a policeman
glanced over at me and stared
deeply into my eyes
I knew instantly that he knew
I had over due library books
from the fifth grade..
He yanked me out of my car
totally furious that a miserable
scoundrel like me was even
walking the streets..
He called for back up and a dozen
cops stormed the scene..
They ran a check on me and sure
enough my old elementary school
confirmed that I had in fact not
returned as many as 34 books..
I was rushed downtown and handcuffed
to five other hardened criminals
who also cursed the day of my birth..
One cop had to be restrained from
shooting me because one of the books I hadn't
returned was 'The Silly Duck Who Could,' and
he had searched for that book for his own
little girl..
Arriving at the jail I was thrown into
a damp cell where I could only see the
outline of a big fat man mumbling stuff
like, 'I'm gonna make you talk white boy..'
He had a big stick in his hand that had
thick nails sticking out..
I spit in his eye in total defiance saying,
'You slops will never get 'The Silly Duck
Who Could..'
Professionals were flown in from the east
and carved a piece of my ear off and made
a tomato sandwich out of it, but I was not
moved..
The CIA was called in a promised to beat the
living Duck out of me, but nay my dear friends,
I was not dismayed..
And in the midst of this terrible tale you may
be wondering from whence comes my strength..
Because..It's almost..
FRIDAY!!

I am pleased to be writing to find nice lady. To this I am new on site here. I am man who is gentle and charity give. I am now living in America but was born in England. I am professor of English in university and also doctor for hospital. Soon I come your country meeting for. I look for lady who always truth speak and have humour in life. I am man who family love and respect you I will. You have children is no matter I will look after. Is no matter you look skinny or fat is all same to me. You must fear and god love. We walk on beach hands holding. You write quick we get together. Me love you always.

Ribbit, ribbit, come share my Lilly pad
Here in the pond it is so nice
With sun and gentle breezes blowing
When too hot it gets we'll jump right in
Go splashing to and fro
Then at dusk, before sun sets
We'll catch a few bugs for dinner
We'll dine like royalty, you and I
So what do you say Happygolucky4u
Will you come and kiss me
Yours hopefully lovingly...Rrrroger

In the strange world
of quatum physics a
mysterious phenomenon
occurs..
If we observe any process
in nature it will obey
a certain law of physics
If we are not observing
it, it follows a completely
different process which one
may draw the conclusion that
our lives have an infinite
variety of outcomes in a
multi-dimensional universe~
It was from one of these
infinite possibilities within
the finite actions of human
endeavour that Margret Bang
first introduced herself to
me in the wee hours of the night..
She appeared as it were out of
some cosmic vortex accompanied
by an angelic chorus that quavered
within her own personal space-time..
'I am Margret, she breathed..'
'I have come from the Orion Belt of
a fading solar system..'
'We have heard your moaning and are
well aquainted with your daily grief..'
'The singles club has not produced the
mate of your dreams so the Overlord of
the Orion constelation has sent me to
soothe your wretched soul..
'I can stay by your side only until
your planets line up for the last
time..
'After that I must be sent to another
planetary dude..'
'Here! I have bought you alien fruit
which will make you feel like a cosmic
hunk..'
'Hurry now! The midnight sun is sinking!
'Take your fill of extraterrestrial bananas
and frolic with your new quatum lover..
'Just call me the big Bang.!

A soft gentle rain fell
so had to keep my rain gear on.
It looks so damn funny;
the silly riding cape,
the Harley biker chain,
those little rubbers on my shoes,
and the hat, oh my the hat.
All so regulation all so 1950’s
just climbed down off my horse
on the phony pony express.

It is universally known
(As a de facto theory)
That women judge a man
By his shoes.

(Or so they say) ; however;-
What would the reverse case be?

Are us men to make
Value judgements
About high stilettoes
Or a woman in moccasins?

No! I maintain it's her handbag
That shows her class
(Something elegant need not be expensive).

A tote bag
About the size
Between an A4 and A3
piece of paper.

If it is elegant
An imitation is OK,
(Provided it doesn't look like
A cheap knockoff).

Which of course would give
The game away.



© lovecanbereal
All rights reserved

I am no one
I know you like me
you aren't that good
you know I'm a punk
and you like when I
don't give a f*ck about you
and all your romance
is f*cking retarded

and tomorrow
I don't care if you like me
I somehow fell in love
and your whisper and your whine
is so out of line
it endears you to me

the next day
I will take you
and you will want to be taken
say what you will
I am incorrigible
and you're beautiful